April 1, 2013

The University went public this week with news that cyclist and philanthropist Lance Armstrong will be the new dean of admissions.

Tired of students texting and whispering class, renowned chef Jose Andres flung an entire pot of scalding bisque onto the first three rows in his much-hyped food science course last week.

The University announced Monday that it would cease recording transcripts and instead only give students oral reports of their academic progress.

As acceptance letters landed in Class of 2017 inboxes last week, administrators touted an upsurge in the number of hipsters who will make up the incoming freshman class.

The Supreme Court issued a surprisingly early decision on the country’s same-sex marriage bans Monday, pointing to the flood of red equals signs that filled their Facebook feeds last week in a sweeping gay marriage victory.

GW has strived to become a green-friendly campus for the past several years.

At a stirring pep rally in front of a packed Duques classroom, athletic director Pounda Beer-o announced his newest initiative to raise school spirit: The men’s basketball team will remain unranked in solidarity with the rest of the University.

A University administrator broke from his leash and conducted an interview Sunday without a media relations babysitter, marking the first time a GW official independently and candidly responded to questions with coherent thoughts and full sentences.

The University will ban sex within 25 feet of all campus buildings next fall, forcing fornication into the middle of the street.

Zoning officials this week deemed GW’s massive science and engineering building structurally unsound, and construction workers are blaming the University for refusing to print a blueprint.