March 31, 2011

Volume 107, Issue 52

Stories from the March 31, 2011 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: EVP-elect arrested for Rice Hall assault

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Unpopular Police Department arrested Socially Awkward Association Executive Vice President-elect Ted Tyson on multiple assault charges Tuesday, after he punched three top University administrators when they refused to make costs “go down, down, down, down, down.” Tyson – who pledged […]

April Fools’ Issue: Sheen to talk winning, tiger blood in May

Reader’s note: This story is satirical and published in a spoof issue. University officials were forced to sign a new speaker to deliver this year’s keynote Commencement address, after their original choice – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – was severely injured during a Broadway showing of “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark.” The University […]

April Fools’ Issue: Letters to the Editor

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Hi, I have to tell you guys something. I read The Hot Shit like every time it comes out and it’s soooo frustrating to read because you put a bunch of articles in here that clearly are biased. Maybe you miss […]

April Fools’ Issue: Slice of Death

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. There is a growing epidemic on GW’s campus and I think it’s time we acknowledged its existence – themed parties. What was once a fun dash of spice added to our rollerblading birthday celebrations has evolved into some kind of sick […]

April Fools’ Issue: Crime Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Hazing 3/24/11 – 6:30 p.m. Location: Multiple locations Case closed The Unpopular Police Department received a report from a group of students that alleged administrators forced them to testify at a six-hour zoning hearing in support of the Science and Engineering […]

April Fools’ Issue: Calendar

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Thursday Complain about GW biddies Join fellow Foggy Bottom-ites to rant about how GW students like to listen to music while they walk. Marvin Center, Room 201 – 7 to 8:30 p.m. Friday Students should be caged Help neighbors devise a […]

April Fools’ Issue: Professor ejected from building, teaches class from car

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Accounting professor Bob Cashmere was forced to teach his Introduction to Financial Accounting class from the hood of his 2002 Toyota Corolla Wednesday after being ejected from a University building for the third time this month. Cashmere, who earned moderate fame […]

April Fools’ Issue: Rejections Office screws up numbers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University was forced to relinquish its standing as the recipient of the largest applicant increase in the country, after the University’s 90 percent increase turned out to be just a 0.9 percent increase upon further inspection. GW escaped harsh penalties […]

April Fools’ Issue: Hot Shit staff evicted from townhouse for hazing

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unjust Judicial Service found members of The Hot Shit guilty of hazing, and evicted the newspaper staff from its University-rented townhouse this week, bringing a months-long investigation to a close. Acting on tips from hazed Hot Shit reporters, UJS unraveled a […]