March 31, 2011

Volume 107, Issue 52

Stories from the March 31, 2011 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Sex columnist resigns

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It is with many apologies and even more regrets that I humbly announce my resignation as the sex columnist. The angry crowds have surrounded my compound and their murderous chants are ceaseless. I’m no Muammar Gaddafi; I can read the writing […]

April Fools’ Issue: Everything is wonderful

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. As the end of the school year approaches and we prepare ourselves for springtime in the District, it’s important to take a look around and assess how everything is going here at The George Washington University. Perusing the campus news and […]

April Fools’ Issue: J Avenue praised for food, staff quality

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. J Avenue was given a three-star rating by the prestigious Michelin Guide, making it the 82nd eatery worldwide to receive the accolade for its “exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey.” Reviewers from the Michelin Guide praised J Avenue’s cuisine for its […]

April Fools’ Issue: GW desperately seeks straight males

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University will begin an aggressive campaign to increase the number of straight males on campus, an initiative aimed at easing female students’ sexual frustrations, GW’s first provost for the Addition of Non-Jewish New York- New Jersey Students said Wednesday. Randomly […]

April Fools’ Issue: EVP-elect arrested for Rice Hall assault

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Unpopular Police Department arrested Socially Awkward Association Executive Vice President-elect Ted Tyson on multiple assault charges Tuesday, after he punched three top University administrators when they refused to make costs “go down, down, down, down, down.” Tyson – who pledged […]

April Fools’ Issue: Sheen to talk winning, tiger blood in May

Reader’s note: This story is satirical and published in a spoof issue. University officials were forced to sign a new speaker to deliver this year’s keynote Commencement address, after their original choice – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – was severely injured during a Broadway showing of “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark.” The University […]

April Fools’ Issue: Letters to the Editor

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Hi, I have to tell you guys something. I read The Hot Shit like every time it comes out and it’s soooo frustrating to read because you put a bunch of articles in here that clearly are biased. Maybe you miss […]

April Fools’ Issue: Slice of Death

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. There is a growing epidemic on GW’s campus and I think it’s time we acknowledged its existence – themed parties. What was once a fun dash of spice added to our rollerblading birthday celebrations has evolved into some kind of sick […]

April Fools’ Issue: Crime Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Hazing 3/24/11 – 6:30 p.m. Location: Multiple locations Case closed The Unpopular Police Department received a report from a group of students that alleged administrators forced them to testify at a six-hour zoning hearing in support of the Science and Engineering […]