March 31, 2011

Volume 107, Issue 52

Stories from the March 31, 2011 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Hot Shit staff evicted from townhouse for hazing

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unjust Judicial Service found members of The Hot Shit guilty of hazing, and evicted the newspaper staff from its University-rented townhouse this week, bringing a months-long investigation to a close. Acting on tips from hazed Hot Shit reporters, UJS unraveled a […]

April Fools’ Issue: Rejections Office screws up numbers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University was forced to relinquish its standing as the recipient of the largest applicant increase in the country, after the University’s 90 percent increase turned out to be just a 0.9 percent increase upon further inspection. GW escaped harsh penalties […]

April Fools’ Issue: Schnapps named Ivory vandal

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Security camera footage revealed that University President Steven Schnapps’ fist pumping is the cause of destruction that has plagued Ivory Tower residence hall this year, University officials announced Monday. GW installed 36 surveillance cameras last semester, after the Unpopular Police Department […]

April Fools’ Issue: I’m spying on The Hot Shit right now

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. I’m going to tell you all something that I’ve known for a while now: The Hot Shit sucks. I’ve spent the last year of my life writing for a student-run blog, trying to expose the dirty practices and shoddy reporting of […]

April Fools’ Issue: GW offers study abroad on the Vern

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. GW announced a new study abroad program this week designed to immerse students in the completely foreign culture of the Mount Vernon Campus. Students in the semester-long program will live among Vern residents, eating traditional Pelham cuisine and taking interior design […]

April Fools’ Issue: The Corner of Truth

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University finally did it. It took 190 years but GW finally broke the billion dollar barrier on its debt reaching $1.04 billion – yes, a fucking billion dollars in September. But, because you’re all so busy being super important to […]

April Fools’ Issue: Wikileaks releases internal SA documents

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. HIDING PLACE, Sweden – In an unprecedented breach of Socially Awkward Association security protocol, whistleblower and information freedom activist Julian Assange released thousands of pages of documents revealing the internal workings of the SA Wednesday. The documents, sent to GW media […]

April Fools’ Issue: University honors Grey again

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced Wednesday that its new namesake will be District Overlord Vinny Grey, after officials determined that honoring the alumnus just twice throughout his two-month tenure was insufficient. University President Steven Schnapps said the decision to switch the University’s name […]