April 1, 2010

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After University officials searched for months to find a replacement for retiring UPD Chief Dolores Didntgetaglock, former Counter Terrorism Unit agent Jack Bauer took over the position Friday. Bauer immediately went out on patrol himself and made drastic changes to how […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Following October’s hammer attack in Duques, the University announced Tuesday that no tools will be allowed in public restrooms on campus, complicating the urinary plans of a good chunk of the student body. University President Schemin’ Steven – who created the […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The third phase of Smitten Centre renovations is beginning to get underway this month, with the last round of additions to include a front fa?ade, a revamped concessions area, and fans, an administrator said this week. “We’re really excited about all […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Death 3/28/2010 – 10:00 a.m. – Phillips Hall – Case open A janitor at GW called UPD while cleaning the Columbian School’s office. All CSGT academic advisers were found to have been dead for quite some time due to overexertion. Referred […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Here’s the deal: We figured out how to time travel. It’s no big deal, but our shit makes the Dolorean look like a toy. So, we decided to have some fun and send a reporter 10 years into the future to […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University is known for its style-conscious student body, and these three runway whores are no exception. Captured by The Machete’s fashion columnist in Kogan Plaza, they have each brought their own accouterments to traditional GW styles, and in this elitist […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. 76 years ago… The University announces it will eat Foggy Bottom without remorse. 18 years ago… GW begins admitting applicants with SAT scores higher than 1500. 5 years from now… Administrators discontinue FIXIT, admitting it is useless.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Inspired by the success of fellow former Colonial Alena Byers in this year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver, a pair of former GW basketball standouts said Wednesday that they would begin training later this year with the intention of earning spots on […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. School spirit on campus markedly improved last week and nearly all formal complaints filed by the student body were eliminated after a University task force began distributing free drugs in Kogan Plaza. Students were told the drugs – a buff and […]