April 1, 2010

Volume 106, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2010 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Times in GW History

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. 76 years ago… The University announces it will eat Foggy Bottom without remorse. 18 years ago… GW begins admitting applicants with SAT scores higher than 1500. 5 years from now… Administrators discontinue FIXIT, admitting it is useless.

April Fools’ Issue: Basketball alums pursue Olympic dreams

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Inspired by the success of fellow former Colonial Alena Byers in this year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver, a pair of former GW basketball standouts said Wednesday that they would begin training later this year with the intention of earning spots on […]

April Fools’ Issue: University planning to add non-basketball teams

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In an extensive 15-minute investigation spent looking at the official athletic department Web site, The Machete has discovered this week that the University is planning to add teams in up to 20 sports that are not basketball. “We’ve always had a […]

April Fools’ Issue: University hopes to mold perfect students with GCRs

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Columbian School of Generic Things revealed several new categories for its general curriculum requirements Tuesday, including courses teaching students how to do community service that garners national attention and how to conduct award-winning and grant-winning research. Students will also have […]

April Fools’ Issue: Friends report student missing

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. A GW senior has gone missing and both city and University police have launched a large-scale search, officials said late Wednesday night. Friends of Gohin Toveeay say they haven’t heard from her in nearly 48 hours. She was last seen walking […]

April Fools’ Issue: Tech glitch admits 500 dumbasses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. An investigation into a sharp drop in undergraduate GPAs turned up documents that suggest that most of the class of 2013 is actually made up of students that were supposed to be rejected. The Office of Mistaken Decisions said more than […]

April Fools’ Issue: Done and done.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Yes, we did! Si, se puede! That’s right, we did it, we got Obama elected, and EVERYTHING is better now. It’s only a year after Obama took office, and there is nothing left to do. The youth was the engine of […]

April Fools’ Issue: Back to nature

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University officials this week announced that the 150 rising sophomores who were waitlisted during the Hosing crisis of 2010 will be assigned to the “two best locations on campus” – Kogan Plaza and University Yard. Tents will be pitched in Kogan […]