April 1, 2010

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Death 3/28/2010 – 10:00 a.m. – Phillips Hall – Case open A janitor at GW called UPD while cleaning the Columbian School’s office. All CSGT academic advisers were found to have been dead for quite some time due to overexertion. Referred […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Here’s the deal: We figured out how to time travel. It’s no big deal, but our shit makes the Dolorean look like a toy. So, we decided to have some fun and send a reporter 10 years into the future to […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University is known for its style-conscious student body, and these three runway whores are no exception. Captured by The Machete’s fashion columnist in Kogan Plaza, they have each brought their own accouterments to traditional GW styles, and in this elitist […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. 76 years ago… The University announces it will eat Foggy Bottom without remorse. 18 years ago… GW begins admitting applicants with SAT scores higher than 1500. 5 years from now… Administrators discontinue FIXIT, admitting it is useless.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Inspired by the success of fellow former Colonial Alena Byers in this year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver, a pair of former GW basketball standouts said Wednesday that they would begin training later this year with the intention of earning spots on […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. School spirit on campus markedly improved last week and nearly all formal complaints filed by the student body were eliminated after a University task force began distributing free drugs in Kogan Plaza. Students were told the drugs – a buff and […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In an extensive 15-minute investigation spent looking at the official athletic department Web site, The Machete has discovered this week that the University is planning to add teams in up to 20 sports that are not basketball. “We’ve always had a […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Columbian School of Generic Things revealed several new categories for its general curriculum requirements Tuesday, including courses teaching students how to do community service that garners national attention and how to conduct award-winning and grant-winning research. Students will also have […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. A GW senior has gone missing and both city and University police have launched a large-scale search, officials said late Wednesday night. Friends of Gohin Toveeay say they haven’t heard from her in nearly 48 hours. She was last seen walking […]

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.