April 1, 2010

Volume 106, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2010 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Tools banned from public restrooms

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Following October’s hammer attack in Duques, the University announced Tuesday that no tools will be allowed in public restrooms on campus, complicating the urinary plans of a good chunk of the student body. University President Schemin’ Steven – who created the […]

April Fools’ Issue: Third phase of arena upgrades to add fans

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The third phase of Smitten Centre renovations is beginning to get underway this month, with the last round of additions to include a front fa?ade, a revamped concessions area, and fans, an administrator said this week. “We’re really excited about all […]

April Fools’ Issue: Crime Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Death 3/28/2010 – 10:00 a.m. – Phillips Hall – Case open A janitor at GW called UPD while cleaning the Columbian School’s office. All CSGT academic advisers were found to have been dead for quite some time due to overexertion. Referred […]

April Fools’ Issue: Crowning the king and queens of GW fashion

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University is known for its style-conscious student body, and these three runway whores are no exception. Captured by The Machete’s fashion columnist in Kogan Plaza, they have each brought their own accouterments to traditional GW styles, and in this elitist […]

April Fools’ Issue: Times in GW History

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. 76 years ago… The University announces it will eat Foggy Bottom without remorse. 18 years ago… GW begins admitting applicants with SAT scores higher than 1500. 5 years from now… Administrators discontinue FIXIT, admitting it is useless.

April Fools’ Issue: Basketball alums pursue Olympic dreams

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Inspired by the success of fellow former Colonial Alena Byers in this year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver, a pair of former GW basketball standouts said Wednesday that they would begin training later this year with the intention of earning spots on […]

April Fools’ Issue: University planning to add non-basketball teams

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In an extensive 15-minute investigation spent looking at the official athletic department Web site, The Machete has discovered this week that the University is planning to add teams in up to 20 sports that are not basketball. “We’ve always had a […]

April Fools’ Issue: University hopes to mold perfect students with GCRs

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Columbian School of Generic Things revealed several new categories for its general curriculum requirements Tuesday, including courses teaching students how to do community service that garners national attention and how to conduct award-winning and grant-winning research. Students will also have […]