Volume 106, Issue 52
Stories from the April 1, 2010 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to tell you about the single biggest threat to American democracy, society, liberty, freedom, business, cuisine, and morality. No, I’m not talking about Obama’s socialist agenda, people with foreign names, or even Keith Olbermann. I’m […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Despite extensive measures aimed at reviving limp fundraising efforts over the past year, the University remains very poorly endowed, an administrator said last week. “We’ve tried every method of enhancement we can find – scouring books, the Internet, and late-night cable […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After assessing all of the candidates, we have decided that the only appropriate choice to lead the Senseless Administration is us. During our endorsement hearings, it was clear that we are the most knowledgeable on campus issues, have the most life […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Reports are coming in that Metrorail service ran on schedule Wednesday, leaving many customers both pleasantly surprised and highly confused as to what was going on. The Washington Metropolitan Area Troublesome Administration could not explain why the system worked perfectly, but […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. You lost. Deal with it. In a recent Machete column entitled “Election losers have winning ideas,” columnist Mark Isin Goggles noted that the Senseless Administration tools who lost to other SA tools had platforms with many favorable plans for the University. […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced plans Wednesday to increase the number of visors available to students in the Columbian School of Generic Things, in what appears to be a misinterpretation of student complaints about academic advising. The buff and blue visors will cost […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Following the hospitalization of two STAR tour guides, administrators announced yesterday that the program would no longer force unpaid students to walk backwards when giving tours. As STAR tour guides Bobby Maximum and Preztobe Clifton continue to recover from broken tailbones […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Twice a week we get together and tell you the same shit over and over. Well we’re tired of it and you’re tired of it, so we are just going to give you a list, check whatever the hell you think […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. South Hall has won this year’s eco-challenge, using 50 percent less energy than all other residence halls by using “creative electricity and water preservation tactics.” Frigid showers, frequent electricity outages and regularly broken elevators significantly reduced the University’s energy output – […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Thursday The Failing Future of Journalism Listen to industry experts discuss journalism’s future and the top five reasons that future is bleak. Free food will be provided for SMPA majors. Jack Morton Auditorium | 7 to 9 p.m. Friday “You’re Not […]