April 1, 2010

Volume 106, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2010 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Shit Y’all Sent Us

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. You lost. Deal with it. In a recent Machete column entitled “Election losers have winning ideas,” columnist Mark Isin Goggles noted that the Senseless Administration tools who lost to other SA tools had platforms with many favorable plans for the University. […]

April Fools’ Issue: Columbian School to add visors

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced plans Wednesday to increase the number of visors available to students in the Columbian School of Generic Things, in what appears to be a misinterpretation of student complaints about academic advising. The buff and blue visors will cost […]

April Fools’ Issue: Tour guides hospitalized after falling on asses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Following the hospitalization of two STAR tour guides, administrators announced yesterday that the program would no longer force unpaid students to walk backwards when giving tours. As STAR tour guides Bobby Maximum and Preztobe Clifton continue to recover from broken tailbones […]

April Fools’ Issue: Staff Editorial: The Checklist

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Twice a week we get together and tell you the same shit over and over. Well we’re tired of it and you’re tired of it, so we are just going to give you a list, check whatever the hell you think […]

April Fools’ Issue: South Hall wins eco-challenge

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. South Hall has won this year’s eco-challenge, using 50 percent less energy than all other residence halls by using “creative electricity and water preservation tactics.” Frigid showers, frequent electricity outages and regularly broken elevators significantly reduced the University’s energy output – […]

April Fools’ Issue: Campus Calendar

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Thursday The Failing Future of Journalism Listen to industry experts discuss journalism’s future and the top five reasons that future is bleak. Free food will be provided for SMPA majors. Jack Morton Auditorium | 7 to 9 p.m. Friday “You’re Not […]

April Fools’ Issue: ’24’ star takes over as chief of police

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After University officials searched for months to find a replacement for retiring UPD Chief Dolores Didntgetaglock, former Counter Terrorism Unit agent Jack Bauer took over the position Friday. Bauer immediately went out on patrol himself and made drastic changes to how […]

April Fools’ Issue: Tools banned from public restrooms

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Following October’s hammer attack in Duques, the University announced Tuesday that no tools will be allowed in public restrooms on campus, complicating the urinary plans of a good chunk of the student body. University President Schemin’ Steven – who created the […]

April Fools’ Issue: Third phase of arena upgrades to add fans

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The third phase of Smitten Centre renovations is beginning to get underway this month, with the last round of additions to include a front fa?ade, a revamped concessions area, and fans, an administrator said this week. “We’re really excited about all […]