April 1, 2010

Volume 106, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2010 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Tech glitch admits 500 dumbasses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. An investigation into a sharp drop in undergraduate GPAs turned up documents that suggest that most of the class of 2013 is actually made up of students that were supposed to be rejected. The Office of Mistaken Decisions said more than […]

April Fools’ Issue: Done and done.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Yes, we did! Si, se puede! That’s right, we did it, we got Obama elected, and EVERYTHING is better now. It’s only a year after Obama took office, and there is nothing left to do. The youth was the engine of […]

April Fools’ Issue: Back to nature

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University officials this week announced that the 150 rising sophomores who were waitlisted during the Hosing crisis of 2010 will be assigned to the “two best locations on campus” – Kogan Plaza and University Yard. Tents will be pitched in Kogan […]

April Fools’ Issue: Puppies: The next great threat to America

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to tell you about the single biggest threat to American democracy, society, liberty, freedom, business, cuisine, and morality. No, I’m not talking about Obama’s socialist agenda, people with foreign names, or even Keith Olbermann. I’m […]

April Fools’ Issue: Official: University poorly endowed

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Despite extensive measures aimed at reviving limp fundraising efforts over the past year, the University remains very poorly endowed, an administrator said last week. “We’ve tried every method of enhancement we can find – scouring books, the Internet, and late-night cable […]

April Fools’ Issue: SA endorsement: The Machete’s editorial board

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After assessing all of the candidates, we have decided that the only appropriate choice to lead the Senseless Administration is us. During our endorsement hearings, it was clear that we are the most knowledgeable on campus issues, have the most life […]

April Fools’ Issue: Metro trains run without delays

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Reports are coming in that Metrorail service ran on schedule Wednesday, leaving many customers both pleasantly surprised and highly confused as to what was going on. The Washington Metropolitan Area Troublesome Administration could not explain why the system worked perfectly, but […]

April Fools’ Issue: Shit Y’all Sent Us

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. You lost. Deal with it. In a recent Machete column entitled “Election losers have winning ideas,” columnist Mark Isin Goggles noted that the Senseless Administration tools who lost to other SA tools had platforms with many favorable plans for the University. […]

April Fools’ Issue: Columbian School to add visors

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced plans Wednesday to increase the number of visors available to students in the Columbian School of Generic Things, in what appears to be a misinterpretation of student complaints about academic advising. The buff and blue visors will cost […]