April 1, 2009

Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.

April Fools’ Issue: Exclusive: Rahm Emanuel’s speech

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Through confidential sources, The Buzzkill has obtained a copy of Rahm Emanuel’s Commencement address, after its first round of editing by an unknown GW administrator. Reprinted here in full. Hello GW, Follow your fucking dreams. I’m going to say a lot […]

April Fools’ Issue: Hippo goes public about imprisonment, torture

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unarmed Police Department officers rescued GW’s beloved mascot, Hippo, from the basement of the Marvin Center yesterday morning, where he had been imprisoned and tortured for more than six months. Federal investigators described Hippo’s situation as “Gitmo-esque.” The Buzzkill reported Hippo’s […]

April Fools’ Issue: Car resigns after ruining SA election

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In a candid letter addressed to Stickuptheir Ass-ociation Executive Vice President Needsa Loyer, David Fowler’s blue 1997 Jeep Cherokee officially resigned from its parking spot on H Street this week. The Cherokee, which effectively disqualified Loyer from the SA presidential election […]

April Fools’ Issue: Krapp forms task force on task forces

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Steamin’ Krapp announced yesterday the formation of a new task force to examine the effectiveness of task forces. The Task Force on Task Forces (TFTF) will evaluate the necessity and relevance of the 3,000 existing administrative task forces on […]

April Fools’ Issue: Budget laser light show features fast laser pointers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The popular Colonial Inauguration laser show will be resurrected this summer, but economic woes have forced organizers to replace the $15,000 automated presentation with work study students moving laser pointers really quickly. Administrators have praised the cost-saving measure, which has resulted […]

April Fools’ Issue: University admits Square 54 is dig to China

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Masked as the preliminary construction of an office and retail complex, The Buzzkill has learned that Square 54 is actually the beginning of a University-funded dig to China. In an elaborate scheme to directly connect GW with the source of science […]

April Fools’ Issue: University to adopt National Mall

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced plans Sunday to adopt the National Mall, in an attempt to expand its national profile and assist the government in reducing federal spending. The move gives GW freedom to decorate or modify the national park however it pleases, […]

April Fools’ Issue: Letters from the Unwashed Masses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. I’m not bitter I fucking hate this school. I was going to try and make this craphole better for you idiots, but two of you just had to vote for Lame-y Lopez and his microwaves instead. Fine, screw you all. Here’s […]