April 1, 2009

Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.

April Fools’ Issue: A ‘hair’-owing night: Chemical problem makes swim team ‘fur’-ocious

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Members of GW’s swim team blamed chemical imbalances in the Smith Center pool after the team transformed into werewolves during Tuesday night’s full moon. The incident began when the usually silky-smooth swimmers reported rapid body hair growth as the sun began […]

April Fools’ Issue: Exclusive: Rahm Emanuel’s speech

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Through confidential sources, The Buzzkill has obtained a copy of Rahm Emanuel’s Commencement address, after its first round of editing by an unknown GW administrator. Reprinted here in full. Hello GW, Follow your fucking dreams. I’m going to say a lot […]

April Fools’ Issue: Hippo goes public about imprisonment, torture

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unarmed Police Department officers rescued GW’s beloved mascot, Hippo, from the basement of the Marvin Center yesterday morning, where he had been imprisoned and tortured for more than six months. Federal investigators described Hippo’s situation as “Gitmo-esque.” The Buzzkill reported Hippo’s […]

April Fools’ Issue: Car resigns after ruining SA election

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In a candid letter addressed to Stickuptheir Ass-ociation Executive Vice President Needsa Loyer, David Fowler’s blue 1997 Jeep Cherokee officially resigned from its parking spot on H Street this week. The Cherokee, which effectively disqualified Loyer from the SA presidential election […]

April Fools’ Issue: Krapp forms task force on task forces

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Steamin’ Krapp announced yesterday the formation of a new task force to examine the effectiveness of task forces. The Task Force on Task Forces (TFTF) will evaluate the necessity and relevance of the 3,000 existing administrative task forces on […]

April Fools’ Issue: Budget laser light show features fast laser pointers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The popular Colonial Inauguration laser show will be resurrected this summer, but economic woes have forced organizers to replace the $15,000 automated presentation with work study students moving laser pointers really quickly. Administrators have praised the cost-saving measure, which has resulted […]