Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. What better way to realize your untapped potential as a musician of influence than by appropriating the behavior of guitar rock prophet Dave Matthews? A compilation of things Dave has that you, most esteemed fan, can also have in the pursuit […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Stickupyour Ass-ociation is always getting criticized for taking themselves too seriously. And it’s true there are more pimply-faced, sex-starved weirdos at most SA meetings than there are at a Lord of the Rings movie premiere. The fact is most SA […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It’s been said that you’ve never really had sex until you’ve done it simultaneously with several strangers. I’m not sure who said it, but I think it’s been said. Anyway, having an orgy is one of those activities best done in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In an unprecedented but not altogether surprising move, the entire GW men’s basketball team decided to transfer out of the program, according to a press release issued by the athletic department Sunday. No reason has been given for the sudden departure […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The GW Buzzkill interviewed a slew of fraternities, ultimate Frisbee teams and classic rock enthusiasts (i.e., young people who say things like “Journey is so good live,” or “My dad was right, Tom Petty rules!”) to find experts on legendary troubadour […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Members of GW’s swim team blamed chemical imbalances in the Smith Center pool after the team transformed into werewolves during Tuesday night’s full moon. The incident began when the usually silky-smooth swimmers reported rapid body hair growth as the sun began […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Dave Matthews is the greatest living performer of all time. He has sweat blood onstage through his crown of thorns and crucified himself before us, his sweet followers. The Buzzkill presents a playlist compiled by the above Dave Matthews enthusiasts for […]
View the bracket in full size here. Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Through confidential sources, The Buzzkill has obtained a copy of Rahm Emanuel’s Commencement address, after its first round of editing by an unknown GW administrator. Reprinted here in full. Hello GW, Follow your fucking dreams. I’m going to say a lot […]