Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. March 27 – 11:32 p.m. – Thurston Hall Two male students experimenting with psychedelic drugs reported to the Unarmed Police Department that their microwave was verbally berating them. When officers arrived on the scene, the subjects were crying naked on the […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Sigma Upsilon Kappa sorority raised a record $2.57 at their annual fundraiser Saturday night for SUK’s national philanthropy, the Juvenile Alzheimer’s Fund. SUK President Skanky McSlutberg said she was pleased with the record haul. “I think that it is important […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Reader’s note to the reader’s note: Sadly, these statistics are accurate. So here’s a newsflash for you: The University is nearly one billion dollars in debt. That’s right – one billion goddamn dollars – with a capital “B.” Of course, none […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Stickuptheir Ass-ociation office was ransacked early Friday morning after SA President-elect AutoCandidate 2.0, a robot also known as Julie Bindlegass, “took back the SA” in a violent coup d’etat. AutoCandidate defeated her runoff opponent by 112 votes at around 9:45 […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Monday Pseudo-Celebrity Speaks in Lisner Come hear Richard Karn, Al Borland from “Home Improvement,” talk about his newfound love of knitting and beard shaving. 3:30 a.m. to 4:40 a.m. Lisner Auditorium Tuesday Fountainflingfest Program Board combined all events in the year […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. April 4, 1992 Panhellenic Association votes to relax dress code rules for sororities. Push-up bras and hip-huggers are made the only requirement. April 2, 1999 Men’s basketball team wins 3,215th NCAA tournament. GW votes to erect new building to house all […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unarmed Police Department Chief Dolores Wantsaglock has been bending over backwards (sorry for the visual) to convince the University that giving her army of glorified security guards guns would be a really solid idea. “Currently, my team just isn’t equipped to […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The thick cigarette smoke near Gelman has recently been replaced by a distinctive smell that conjures memories of Allman Brothers concerts and your grandmother’s funeral. It’s because GW has legalized marijuana, part of an ongoing effort to “go green.” The implications […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. So, we’ve been thinking. Transparency is so last year. Sure, The Buzzkill’s editorial board has been calling for it in every issue since well, ever. But really, why would we want anyone at this school to be open and honest with […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. SOMEPLACE YOU AREN’T – I’ve only been here a couple of months, but I feel completely at home, nearly native even. I think I have finally overcome the culture shock. Living in a different country is just so, well, different. I […]