Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unarmed Police Department officers rescued GW’s beloved mascot, Hippo, from the basement of the Marvin Center yesterday morning, where he had been imprisoned and tortured for more than six months. Federal investigators described Hippo’s situation as “Gitmo-esque.” The Buzzkill reported Hippo’s […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In a candid letter addressed to Stickuptheir Ass-ociation Executive Vice President Needsa Loyer, David Fowler’s blue 1997 Jeep Cherokee officially resigned from its parking spot on H Street this week. The Cherokee, which effectively disqualified Loyer from the SA presidential election […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In an effort to start new GW traditions, University President Steamin’ Krapp created what some have called the lamest secret society in school history this week: the Order of the Sheep. Members of the secret group have been meeting in Rice […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Steamin’ Krapp announced yesterday the formation of a new task force to examine the effectiveness of task forces. The Task Force on Task Forces (TFTF) will evaluate the necessity and relevance of the 3,000 existing administrative task forces on […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The popular Colonial Inauguration laser show will be resurrected this summer, but economic woes have forced organizers to replace the $15,000 automated presentation with work study students moving laser pointers really quickly. Administrators have praised the cost-saving measure, which has resulted […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Masked as the preliminary construction of an office and retail complex, The Buzzkill has learned that Square 54 is actually the beginning of a University-funded dig to China. In an elaborate scheme to directly connect GW with the source of science […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced plans Sunday to adopt the National Mall, in an attempt to expand its national profile and assist the government in reducing federal spending. The move gives GW freedom to decorate or modify the national park however it pleases, […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. I’m not bitter I fucking hate this school. I was going to try and make this craphole better for you idiots, but two of you just had to vote for Lame-y Lopez and his microwaves instead. Fine, screw you all. Here’s […]