April 1, 2009

Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.

April Fools’ Issue: This Week in GW History

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. April 4, 1992 Panhellenic Association votes to relax dress code rules for sororities. Push-up bras and hip-huggers are made the only requirement. April 2, 1999 Men’s basketball team wins 3,215th NCAA tournament. GW votes to erect new building to house all […]

April Fools’ Issue: Give us guns

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unarmed Police Department Chief Dolores Wantsaglock has been bending over backwards (sorry for the visual) to convince the University that giving her army of glorified security guards guns would be a really solid idea. “Currently, my team just isn’t equipped to […]

April Fools’ Issue: Bongs for a better earth

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The thick cigarette smoke near Gelman has recently been replaced by a distinctive smell that conjures memories of Allman Brothers concerts and your grandmother’s funeral. It’s because GW has legalized marijuana, part of an ongoing effort to “go green.” The implications […]

April Fools’ Issue: We. Don’t. Care.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. So, we’ve been thinking. Transparency is so last year. Sure, The Buzzkill’s editorial board has been calling for it in every issue since well, ever. But really, why would we want anyone at this school to be open and honest with […]

April Fools’ Issue: I’m a freshman, listen to me!

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Seriously, you should listen to everything I have to say, because my opinions are derived from about a semester of experience at this school. Who cares if I’m still bitching about Colonial Inauguration and was in high school about 6 months […]

April Fools’ Issue: These SA tools need to get laid

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Stickupyour Ass-ociation is always getting criticized for taking themselves too seriously. And it’s true there are more pimply-faced, sex-starved weirdos at most SA meetings than there are at a Lord of the Rings movie premiere. The fact is most SA […]

April Fools’ Issue: The collegiate orgy

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It’s been said that you’ve never really had sex until you’ve done it simultaneously with several strangers. I’m not sure who said it, but I think it’s been said. Anyway, having an orgy is one of those activities best done in […]