April 1, 2009

Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.

April Fools’ Issue: Letters from the Unwashed Masses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. I’m not bitter I fucking hate this school. I was going to try and make this craphole better for you idiots, but two of you just had to vote for Lame-y Lopez and his microwaves instead. Fine, screw you all. Here’s […]

April Fools’ Issue: Varsity Roundup

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Gymnastics: The gymnastics team had one of their most successful weekends to date, knocking off Rhode Island 196.43434344-195.323434 and prevailing 21-16 when a Smith Center scheduling conflict forced them to scrimmage the men’s basketball team. Squash: Cook whole in boiling water […]

April Fools’ Issue: Cheney to lead hospital

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced Friday that former Vice President Dick Cheney will be the new leader of the GW Hospital. At a press conference, Cheney proclaimed that he accepted the position because “GW is where my heart is.” He meant the comment […]

April Fools’ Issue: LCME: ‘Stop killing people, GW’

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Last fall, GW’s School of Malpractice and Hazardous Sciences had its accreditation placed on probation by the Losers Creating Medical Expectations. SMHS has since gone above and beyond the call of duty to keep the true reasons for this embarrassment under […]

April Fools’ Issue: Fuck-ups

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Buzzkill reported that Stickupyour Ass-ociation presidential candidate Gorgeous Stunner was convicted of second-degree murder before coming to GW. He was actually convicted of first-degree murder. The Buzzkill erroneously reported that the University was not raising tuition for incoming freshmen. The […]

April Fools’ Issue: FML Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. March 27 – 11:32 p.m. – Thurston Hall Two male students experimenting with psychedelic drugs reported to the Unarmed Police Department that their microwave was verbally berating them. When officers arrived on the scene, the subjects were crying naked on the […]