April 1, 2009

Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.

April Fools’ Issue: LCME: ‘Stop killing people, GW’

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Last fall, GW’s School of Malpractice and Hazardous Sciences had its accreditation placed on probation by the Losers Creating Medical Expectations. SMHS has since gone above and beyond the call of duty to keep the true reasons for this embarrassment under […]

April Fools’ Issue: Fuck-ups

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Buzzkill reported that Stickupyour Ass-ociation presidential candidate Gorgeous Stunner was convicted of second-degree murder before coming to GW. He was actually convicted of first-degree murder. The Buzzkill erroneously reported that the University was not raising tuition for incoming freshmen. The […]

April Fools’ Issue: FML Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. March 27 – 11:32 p.m. – Thurston Hall Two male students experimenting with psychedelic drugs reported to the Unarmed Police Department that their microwave was verbally berating them. When officers arrived on the scene, the subjects were crying naked on the […]

April Fools’ Issue: The Truthy Center

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Reader’s note to the reader’s note: Sadly, these statistics are accurate. So here’s a newsflash for you: The University is nearly one billion dollars in debt. That’s right – one billion goddamn dollars – with a capital “B.” Of course, none […]

April Fools’ Issue: Campus Calendar

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Monday Pseudo-Celebrity Speaks in Lisner Come hear Richard Karn, Al Borland from “Home Improvement,” talk about his newfound love of knitting and beard shaving. 3:30 a.m. to 4:40 a.m. Lisner Auditorium Tuesday Fountainflingfest Program Board combined all events in the year […]

April Fools’ Issue: This Week in GW History

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. April 4, 1992 Panhellenic Association votes to relax dress code rules for sororities. Push-up bras and hip-huggers are made the only requirement. April 2, 1999 Men’s basketball team wins 3,215th NCAA tournament. GW votes to erect new building to house all […]

April Fools’ Issue: Give us guns

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unarmed Police Department Chief Dolores Wantsaglock has been bending over backwards (sorry for the visual) to convince the University that giving her army of glorified security guards guns would be a really solid idea. “Currently, my team just isn’t equipped to […]