April 1, 2009

Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.

April Fools’ Issue: Krapp forms task force on task forces

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Steamin’ Krapp announced yesterday the formation of a new task force to examine the effectiveness of task forces. The Task Force on Task Forces (TFTF) will evaluate the necessity and relevance of the 3,000 existing administrative task forces on […]

April Fools’ Issue: Budget laser light show features fast laser pointers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The popular Colonial Inauguration laser show will be resurrected this summer, but economic woes have forced organizers to replace the $15,000 automated presentation with work study students moving laser pointers really quickly. Administrators have praised the cost-saving measure, which has resulted […]

April Fools’ Issue: University admits Square 54 is dig to China

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Masked as the preliminary construction of an office and retail complex, The Buzzkill has learned that Square 54 is actually the beginning of a University-funded dig to China. In an elaborate scheme to directly connect GW with the source of science […]

April Fools’ Issue: University to adopt National Mall

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced plans Sunday to adopt the National Mall, in an attempt to expand its national profile and assist the government in reducing federal spending. The move gives GW freedom to decorate or modify the national park however it pleases, […]

April Fools’ Issue: Letters from the Unwashed Masses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. I’m not bitter I fucking hate this school. I was going to try and make this craphole better for you idiots, but two of you just had to vote for Lame-y Lopez and his microwaves instead. Fine, screw you all. Here’s […]

April Fools’ Issue: Varsity Roundup

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Gymnastics: The gymnastics team had one of their most successful weekends to date, knocking off Rhode Island 196.43434344-195.323434 and prevailing 21-16 when a Smith Center scheduling conflict forced them to scrimmage the men’s basketball team. Squash: Cook whole in boiling water […]