April 1, 2009

Stories from the April 1, 2009 issue of the GW Hatchet.

April Fools’ Issue: The collegiate orgy

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It’s been said that you’ve never really had sex until you’ve done it simultaneously with several strangers. I’m not sure who said it, but I think it’s been said. Anyway, having an orgy is one of those activities best done in […]

April Fools’ Issue: Men’s basketball team transfers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In an unprecedented but not altogether surprising move, the entire GW men’s basketball team decided to transfer out of the program, according to a press release issued by the athletic department Sunday. No reason has been given for the sudden departure […]

April Fools’ Issue: A Forum on the State of Dave Matthews

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The GW Buzzkill interviewed a slew of fraternities, ultimate Frisbee teams and classic rock enthusiasts (i.e., young people who say things like “Journey is so good live,” or “My dad was right, Tom Petty rules!”) to find experts on legendary troubadour […]

April Fools’ Issue: A ‘hair’-owing night: Chemical problem makes swim team ‘fur’-ocious

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Members of GW’s swim team blamed chemical imbalances in the Smith Center pool after the team transformed into werewolves during Tuesday night’s full moon. The incident began when the usually silky-smooth swimmers reported rapid body hair growth as the sun began […]

April Fools’ Issue: Exclusive: Rahm Emanuel’s speech

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Through confidential sources, The Buzzkill has obtained a copy of Rahm Emanuel’s Commencement address, after its first round of editing by an unknown GW administrator. Reprinted here in full. Hello GW, Follow your fucking dreams. I’m going to say a lot […]

April Fools’ Issue: Hippo goes public about imprisonment, torture

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Unarmed Police Department officers rescued GW’s beloved mascot, Hippo, from the basement of the Marvin Center yesterday morning, where he had been imprisoned and tortured for more than six months. Federal investigators described Hippo’s situation as “Gitmo-esque.” The Buzzkill reported Hippo’s […]

April Fools’ Issue: Car resigns after ruining SA election

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In a candid letter addressed to Stickuptheir Ass-ociation Executive Vice President Needsa Loyer, David Fowler’s blue 1997 Jeep Cherokee officially resigned from its parking spot on H Street this week. The Cherokee, which effectively disqualified Loyer from the SA presidential election […]