March 31, 2008

Volume 104, Issue 51

Stories from the March 31, 2008 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fool’s Issue: Weekly Checkup: Fungus

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. If you love how clean your clothes feel after a nice laundry session-and you enjoy not being sick-then DON’T WASH THEM ON CAMPUS. In late January, a fuzzy, green fungus was reported in several of Ivory Tower’s washing machines and dryers. […]

April Fool’s Issue: Shitty Cop-out-for-an-arena gets new shit

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The GW Apathetic Department announced yesterday it has received an additional $20 million for renovations to 32-year-old Shitty Cop-out-for-an-arena. The additional funds will come from Long Island based GW Rich Daddies, LLC. Director of Apathetics Yack Nopants told the The Pussy […]

April Fool’s Issue: Gawker finds Gelman Lover

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Sophomore Marco Polo thought he was only waking up to the dull roar of janitor’s vacuums during the month that he slept in the Gelman Library. Little did he know that the People Watching Association was also breathing softly in the […]

Amid jeers, Rove speaks to YAF

Republican strategist Karl Rove was unfazed by two separate interruptions from protesters calling him a war criminal as he spoke about the 2008 election in front of a sold-out crowd at the Elliott School of International Affairs Friday night. The first interruption came five minutes into Rove’s remarks, when an unidentified male stood up and […]

April Fool’s Issue: Campus Calendar

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Monday Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting Come join us for a night of discussion about the immense joys of sex and the lack of any consequences. 9 p.m. to 11 p.m. Marvin Center Grand Ballroom Sponsored by S.L.U.T.S. Tuesday Planned Parenthood In a […]

For seniors, the run is done

GREENSBORO, N.C., March 30 – Sitting in front of media after her sixth-seeded GW women’s basketball team was eliminated from the NCAA tournament by second-seeded Rutgers University Sunday afternoon, senior Kim Beck got choked up when trying to sum up her four years as a Colonial. It was a rare moment for the point guard, […]

Nats finally find a home

It took 22 months, 450 truckloads of dirt per day, 25 miles of pilling and 3,500 pieces of steel. But after more than $600 million of public funding the nomadic Washington Nationals finally have a place to call home. Nearly two years of digging brought out a glistening diamond from decrepit dust. The construction of […]

April Fool’s Issue: Trach is “Client No. 8”

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. FBI documents obtained by The Hatchet revealed the prostitution ring which brought down the governor of New York also brought down former University President Stella Joke Trachtenomorejob. Identified as “Client No. 8,” Trachtenomorejob frequented the President’s Club VIP on GW’s dime. […]