April 2, 2007

Volume 103, Issue 51

Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fool’s Issue: Glory holes in Gelman

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It’s about time! The Gelman Library has slowly but surely been updating its infrastructure for GW students. An effective new student liaison is partly responsible for the improvements that deserve our praise. Student outreach has never been better, and as a […]

WEB EXTRA: Sebadoh: reuniting too soon

Indie rock isn’t cool. In a community thriving on pretension, sometimes it’s hard to remember this. Tuesday night at the 9:30 Club gave an uncomfortable reminder. Classic indie rock band Sebadoh brought a crowd that served as an unfriendly reminder. In checking out the crowd, the whole show seemed an excuse to gather everyone who […]

April Fool’s Issue: SJT: ‘I’m the baby-daddy’

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye announced yesterday that he is joining the scores of people claiming to be Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s daddy. Other possible fathers include Michael Jackson, Scooter Libby, Bob Saget, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Treekiller sports editor […]

April Fool’s Issue: We’re number one, bitches!

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Freshmen: if you haven’t accepted the fact that your grandmother will never truly respect you now that you didn’t get into Georgetown, then you might as well stop reading this now. You’re a lost cause. For everyone else, take solace in […]

April Fool’s Issue: The Bar Belle: AA Meeting

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. AA Meeting 6 p.m. Enter meeting. Admit that I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Suck on flask of Peppermint Schnapps hidden in jacket pocket. Loudly announce it is mouthwash. 6:02 p.m. Introduce myself to those around […]

April Fool’s Issue: GW Hospital to be turned into freshman dorm

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It may be filled with patients with gruesome diseases and severe colds, but the GW Hospital will be the hottest new place for students to live next year. University officials announced last week that 600 beds will be added within the […]

April Fool’s Issue: GW rejects union

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced this week that it will no longer acknowledge the physical existence of part-time faculty. The announcement changed the University’s previous policy of refusing to recognize the part-time professors union, a move that has racked up $115 million in […]

April Fool’s Issue: Gore chastises paper for waste

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Coulda-been shoulda-been former presidential candidate Al Gore spoke at The Treekiller’s G Street office yesterday, chastising the staff for polluting the environment by printing 12,000 copies of a newspaper no one reads. “Your paper just sits in the racks and in […]