April 2, 2007

Volume 103, Issue 51

Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fool’s Issue: Foggy Bottom geriatric protesters shut campus down

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Less than a day following the passage of GW’s Campass Plan, mostly geriatric protesters from Foggy Bottom turned the Cube 54 construction site into a sea of canes, walkers and empty Metamucil bottles. Local residents, mostly allied with the Fighting and […]

April Fool’s Issue: SA to run Iraq government

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. With an ever-worsening situation in Iraq, U.S. and Iraqi government officials have turned to a desperate option and placed GW’s Stickupyourass Association Senate in charge of governing the war-torn nation. The SA deployed its senators to Baghdad last week to assume […]

April Fool’s Issue: Tuition unimaginably high

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Despite a $75,000 hike in tuition last week, administrators are still contending that GW is the least-expensive university on the Eastern Seaboard. Cost of attendance – including tuition, room and board, books, fees and travel expenses – is hovering around $125,000 […]

April Fool’s Issue: Corrections and clarifications

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The GW Treekiller mistakenly identified Hillel executive embarrasser Bobby Gefilteman as a “she” in “Gefilteman accuses basketball team of enslaving Jews in Egypt” (March 29, p. 1). In “New equipment for new times” (March 26, p. 3), Undersized Penis Department Chief […]

April Fool’s Issue: Campus Calendar

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Monday Nude fashion All proceedes from the show will go to the Clothe a Child charity. 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. Marvin Center Continental Ballroom Sponsored by the Stickitupyourass Association and GW Pornstars Screening of “24: The life of a sloth” […]

April Fool’s Issue: Only a few months left to fuck

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Senior guys: imagine your life in a few months – going on dates, pretending to respect girls you meet at work and at bars and having a lot less sex. Girls: you’ll have a similar predicament. No longer will you be […]

April Fool’s Issue: Successful candidates’ initiatives find support from administration

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Stickupyourass Association President-elect N’Capable and other students winning seats in the SA have received glowing praise from administrators for their very feasible campaign platforms. N’Capable won the election in February with three main platform initiatives, including “GWorld Around the Universe,” which […]

April Fool’s Issue: Now for something completely different …

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Hatchet’s “We’re Right, You’re Stupid” board often comes under fire for being overly critical and harsh on a variety of individuals and groups. While we usually respond to our critics by telling them to go fuck themselves, the board considered […]

April Fool’s Issue: GW Blind Date: A huge shitshow

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Rebecca We went to this Asian restaurant in Dupont called Sum Yung Poon Eatery. He was 40 minutes late. When he finally came in, we ordered. I ate some horse’s meat and he had monkey brains. The food was really good; […]