April 2, 2007

Volume 103, Issue 51

Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fool’s Issue: Britney Spears too sad to make fun of

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. With her divorce and subsequent mental breakdown, Britney Spears has officially become too sad of a case to make fun of. “It’s like kicking a three-legged blind dog, or making fun of a retarded dwarf,” said one TreeKiller editor. Long a […]

April Fool’s Issue: Lady Colonials dominate against men

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Billy Jean King was proud when the GW women’s basketball team defeated the men’s squad 77- 45 Saturday afternoon in front of a sold-out Smith Center. King, who is known for her victory over Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the […]

April Fool’s Issue: Unofficial conduct

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The GW Treekiller obtained these AIM records of University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye, who is a former congressman, and a GW student. Since these conversations were initially released, Trachtenbye resigned from his position saying he has an addiction to Manischewitz wine […]

April Fool’s Issue: Straight at GW: a nonexistent culture?

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The sight of two boys kissing at GW isn’t a rare scene. GW’s campus is full of two males walking hand in hand or making out goodbye. It’s the sight of a boy and a girl kissing on campus that you […]

April Fool’s Issue: April Fools’ nicknames for SJT through the years

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. 1988: Pres-elect Stephen Joel Tractor 1989: Trachtorbutt 1990: Stephen Joel Trachtorbutt 1991: Skeevin’ Mole Smackherbutt 1992: Semen Gel Slappin’Her 1993: Billy Ray Trachtengerg 1995: Stir Jo Trakkenburk 1996: Stevie Ray Vaughan Tractorbutt 1997: Steven Testesburg 1998: Steven Jole Trachtenburgh 1999: Stevie […]

April Fool’s Issue: The sheep he rode in on

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After incoming University President Sheepish Sleep pries the position out of Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye’s cold hands this July, celebration events will be held across campus. Sleep who (literally) lives on a sheep farm at his rich-white-guy home in Maryland, is expected […]

April Fool’s Issue: Sodexho fires everyone

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. All Sodexho employees at GW were fired yesterday in an attempt to maximize profits and improve efficiency, representatives for the food service provider announced this morning. Q Avenue food venues were empty Sunday afternoon, and students aimlessly wandered around the area […]

April Fool’s Issue: Foggy Bottom geriatric protesters shut campus down

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Less than a day following the passage of GW’s Campass Plan, mostly geriatric protesters from Foggy Bottom turned the Cube 54 construction site into a sea of canes, walkers and empty Metamucil bottles. Local residents, mostly allied with the Fighting and […]

April Fool’s Issue: SA to run Iraq government

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. With an ever-worsening situation in Iraq, U.S. and Iraqi government officials have turned to a desperate option and placed GW’s Stickupyourass Association Senate in charge of governing the war-torn nation. The SA deployed its senators to Baghdad last week to assume […]