Volume 103, Issue 51
Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After leaving the presidency April 1, Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye decided against taking a year off, choosing instead to vie for a park bench with Old Man Schenley. Sources close to the at-one-point-outgoing leader said he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It’s about time! The Gelman Library has slowly but surely been updating its infrastructure for GW students. An effective new student liaison is partly responsible for the improvements that deserve our praise. Student outreach has never been better, and as a […]
Indie rock isn’t cool. In a community thriving on pretension, sometimes it’s hard to remember this. Tuesday night at the 9:30 Club gave an uncomfortable reminder. Classic indie rock band Sebadoh brought a crowd that served as an unfriendly reminder. In checking out the crowd, the whole show seemed an excuse to gather everyone who […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye announced yesterday that he is joining the scores of people claiming to be Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s daddy. Other possible fathers include Michael Jackson, Scooter Libby, Bob Saget, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Treekiller sports editor […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Freshmen: if you haven’t accepted the fact that your grandmother will never truly respect you now that you didn’t get into Georgetown, then you might as well stop reading this now. You’re a lost cause. For everyone else, take solace in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. AA Meeting 6 p.m. Enter meeting. Admit that I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Suck on flask of Peppermint Schnapps hidden in jacket pocket. Loudly announce it is mouthwash. 6:02 p.m. Introduce myself to those around […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It may be filled with patients with gruesome diseases and severe colds, but the GW Hospital will be the hottest new place for students to live next year. University officials announced last week that 600 beds will be added within the […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Columbian College sophomore and hipster asshole Kevin Dyer said he can’t believe you haven’t heard of this band. “I mean, I guess they’re not that mainstream,” he said, sipping a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his West End dorm room. […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced this week that it will no longer acknowledge the physical existence of part-time faculty. The announcement changed the University’s previous policy of refusing to recognize the part-time professors union, a move that has racked up $115 million in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. If you have $5 You probably shouldn’t be at GW. Seriously, you’ve only got $5 to spend? God, what’s wrong with you? My parents are so much richer than yours. Go to your work-study job, peasant. No, you know what, come […]