April 2, 2007

Volume 103, Issue 51

Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fool’s Issue: Only a few months left to fuck

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Senior guys: imagine your life in a few months – going on dates, pretending to respect girls you meet at work and at bars and having a lot less sex. Girls: you’ll have a similar predicament. No longer will you be […]

April Fool’s Issue: Successful candidates’ initiatives find support from administration

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Stickupyourass Association President-elect N’Capable and other students winning seats in the SA have received glowing praise from administrators for their very feasible campaign platforms. N’Capable won the election in February with three main platform initiatives, including “GWorld Around the Universe,” which […]

April Fool’s Issue: Now for something completely different …

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The Hatchet’s “We’re Right, You’re Stupid” board often comes under fire for being overly critical and harsh on a variety of individuals and groups. While we usually respond to our critics by telling them to go fuck themselves, the board considered […]

April Fool’s Issue: GW Blind Date: A huge shitshow

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Rebecca We went to this Asian restaurant in Dupont called Sum Yung Poon Eatery. He was 40 minutes late. When he finally came in, we ordered. I ate some horse’s meat and he had monkey brains. The food was really good; […]

April Fool’s Issue: Oh right, other sports exist too…

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Baseball If they didn’t play games in China, people might go. M. and W. Soccer Kicking balls around all day has its benefits, we guess. Swimming & Diving “We have to constantly come up for air.” That’s what she said. Crew […]

April Fool’s Issue: Univ. implements 0x40

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In a drastic measure taken just months before he leaves office, University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye said he is implementing a zero-by-40 class academic structure, set to begin next fall. “Something happens here at GW,” the outgoing president said. “We want […]

April Fool’s Issue: Wanna fuck?

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Nearing the commencement of his fourth year in college, Adam has learned quite a few things about sex. Adam, The Hatchet’s anonymous sex columnist, will share his observations and (sometimes dirty) thoughts about sex at GW with the population that fuels […]

April Fool’s Issue: Ads

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The following ads can be found in the Print issue:

April Fool’s Issue: Police seize primo bud

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The music, theater and freshman communities were shaken by tragedy this weekend when a vital shipment of marijuana was disrupted. At about 11 p.m. Saturday, more than 40 half-pound parcels of cannabis rained down on Potomac House, more commonly known as […]