April 2, 2007

Volume 103, Issue 51

Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fool’s Issue: Straight at GW: a nonexistent culture?

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The sight of two boys kissing at GW isn’t a rare scene. GW’s campus is full of two males walking hand in hand or making out goodbye. It’s the sight of a boy and a girl kissing on campus that you […]

April Fool’s Issue: April Fools’ nicknames for SJT through the years

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. 1988: Pres-elect Stephen Joel Tractor 1989: Trachtorbutt 1990: Stephen Joel Trachtorbutt 1991: Skeevin’ Mole Smackherbutt 1992: Semen Gel Slappin’Her 1993: Billy Ray Trachtengerg 1995: Stir Jo Trakkenburk 1996: Stevie Ray Vaughan Tractorbutt 1997: Steven Testesburg 1998: Steven Jole Trachtenburgh 1999: Stevie […]

April Fool’s Issue: The sheep he rode in on

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After incoming University President Sheepish Sleep pries the position out of Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye’s cold hands this July, celebration events will be held across campus. Sleep who (literally) lives on a sheep farm at his rich-white-guy home in Maryland, is expected […]

April Fool’s Issue: Sodexho fires everyone

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. All Sodexho employees at GW were fired yesterday in an attempt to maximize profits and improve efficiency, representatives for the food service provider announced this morning. Q Avenue food venues were empty Sunday afternoon, and students aimlessly wandered around the area […]

April Fool’s Issue: Foggy Bottom geriatric protesters shut campus down

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Less than a day following the passage of GW’s Campass Plan, mostly geriatric protesters from Foggy Bottom turned the Cube 54 construction site into a sea of canes, walkers and empty Metamucil bottles. Local residents, mostly allied with the Fighting and […]

April Fool’s Issue: SA to run Iraq government

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. With an ever-worsening situation in Iraq, U.S. and Iraqi government officials have turned to a desperate option and placed GW’s Stickupyourass Association Senate in charge of governing the war-torn nation. The SA deployed its senators to Baghdad last week to assume […]

April Fool’s Issue: Tuition unimaginably high

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Despite a $75,000 hike in tuition last week, administrators are still contending that GW is the least-expensive university on the Eastern Seaboard. Cost of attendance – including tuition, room and board, books, fees and travel expenses – is hovering around $125,000 […]

April Fool’s Issue: Corrections and clarifications

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The GW Treekiller mistakenly identified Hillel executive embarrasser Bobby Gefilteman as a “she” in “Gefilteman accuses basketball team of enslaving Jews in Egypt” (March 29, p. 1). In “New equipment for new times” (March 26, p. 3), Undersized Penis Department Chief […]

April Fool’s Issue: Campus Calendar

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Monday Nude fashion All proceedes from the show will go to the Clothe a Child charity. 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. Marvin Center Continental Ballroom Sponsored by the Stickitupyourass Association and GW Pornstars Screening of “24: The life of a sloth” […]

April Fool’s Issue: Only a few months left to fuck

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Senior guys: imagine your life in a few months – going on dates, pretending to respect girls you meet at work and at bars and having a lot less sex. Girls: you’ll have a similar predicament. No longer will you be […]