Volume 103, Issue 51
Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Columbian College sophomore and hipster asshole Kevin Dyer said he can’t believe you haven’t heard of this band. “I mean, I guess they’re not that mainstream,” he said, sipping a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his West End dorm room. […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced this week that it will no longer acknowledge the physical existence of part-time faculty. The announcement changed the University’s previous policy of refusing to recognize the part-time professors union, a move that has racked up $115 million in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. If you have $5 You probably shouldn’t be at GW. Seriously, you’ve only got $5 to spend? God, what’s wrong with you? My parents are so much richer than yours. Go to your work-study job, peasant. No, you know what, come […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Coulda-been shoulda-been former presidential candidate Al Gore spoke at The Treekiller’s G Street office yesterday, chastising the staff for polluting the environment by printing 12,000 copies of a newspaper no one reads. “Your paper just sits in the racks and in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Contrary to earlier reports that pianist Regina Spektor would be performing at this year’s Spring Fling, Program Board announced that it has booked famed children’s band The Wiggles to campus for the annual event, held April 14 this year. The Wiggles, […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Due to a miscalculation in the University’s budget, administrators announced Friday that they will implement major cutbacks throughout the campus – getting rid of “all unnecessary luxuries.” Students in Mitchell Hall Sunday night said that their doorknobs had all been replaced […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Due to popular demand, all DC bars will now carry Lo-Carb Watermelon Smirnoff Ice on tap. After a sharp drop in beer sales after January, local proprietors noticed a simultaneous spike in the consumption of what is known to many as […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. MC Rove, n?e Karl Rove, signed to Def Jam Records yesterday, announced label president Shawn Carter, better known as Jay-Z. The move ends weeks of speculation that the Deputy Chief of Staff to President Bush was looking for a career change […]
The sun has come out from behind the dismal clouds. Its radiance shines once again on our forlorn faces, reminding us how it feels to truly live again. That’s right, Good Charlotte is back! Joel and Benji, the Waldorf, Maryland Madden dream team, delivered an impassioned musical tour de force Friday night that left the […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. With her divorce and subsequent mental breakdown, Britney Spears has officially become too sad of a case to make fun of. “It’s like kicking a three-legged blind dog, or making fun of a retarded dwarf,” said one TreeKiller editor. Long a […]