April 2, 2007

Volume 103, Issue 51

Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fool’s Issue: SJT: ‘I’m the baby-daddy’

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye announced yesterday that he is joining the scores of people claiming to be Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s daddy. Other possible fathers include Michael Jackson, Scooter Libby, Bob Saget, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Treekiller sports editor […]

April Fool’s Issue: We’re number one, bitches!

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Freshmen: if you haven’t accepted the fact that your grandmother will never truly respect you now that you didn’t get into Georgetown, then you might as well stop reading this now. You’re a lost cause. For everyone else, take solace in […]

April Fool’s Issue: The Bar Belle: AA Meeting

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. AA Meeting 6 p.m. Enter meeting. Admit that I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Suck on flask of Peppermint Schnapps hidden in jacket pocket. Loudly announce it is mouthwash. 6:02 p.m. Introduce myself to those around […]

April Fool’s Issue: GW Hospital to be turned into freshman dorm

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It may be filled with patients with gruesome diseases and severe colds, but the GW Hospital will be the hottest new place for students to live next year. University officials announced last week that 600 beds will be added within the […]

April Fool’s Issue: GW rejects union

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced this week that it will no longer acknowledge the physical existence of part-time faculty. The announcement changed the University’s previous policy of refusing to recognize the part-time professors union, a move that has racked up $115 million in […]

April Fool’s Issue: Gore chastises paper for waste

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Coulda-been shoulda-been former presidential candidate Al Gore spoke at The Treekiller’s G Street office yesterday, chastising the staff for polluting the environment by printing 12,000 copies of a newspaper no one reads. “Your paper just sits in the racks and in […]

April Fool’s Issue: Program Board to bring the Wiggles to Spring Fling

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Contrary to earlier reports that pianist Regina Spektor would be performing at this year’s Spring Fling, Program Board announced that it has booked famed children’s band The Wiggles to campus for the annual event, held April 14 this year. The Wiggles, […]

April Fool’s Issue: GW administrators install emergency saving plan, rob students

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Due to a miscalculation in the University’s budget, administrators announced Friday that they will implement major cutbacks throughout the campus – getting rid of “all unnecessary luxuries.” Students in Mitchell Hall Sunday night said that their doorknobs had all been replaced […]