Volume 103, Issue 51
Stories from the April 2, 2007 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye announced yesterday that he is joining the scores of people claiming to be Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s daddy. Other possible fathers include Michael Jackson, Scooter Libby, Bob Saget, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Treekiller sports editor […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Freshmen: if you haven’t accepted the fact that your grandmother will never truly respect you now that you didn’t get into Georgetown, then you might as well stop reading this now. You’re a lost cause. For everyone else, take solace in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. AA Meeting 6 p.m. Enter meeting. Admit that I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Suck on flask of Peppermint Schnapps hidden in jacket pocket. Loudly announce it is mouthwash. 6:02 p.m. Introduce myself to those around […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. It may be filled with patients with gruesome diseases and severe colds, but the GW Hospital will be the hottest new place for students to live next year. University officials announced last week that 600 beds will be added within the […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Columbian College sophomore and hipster asshole Kevin Dyer said he can’t believe you haven’t heard of this band. “I mean, I guess they’re not that mainstream,” he said, sipping a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his West End dorm room. […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The University announced this week that it will no longer acknowledge the physical existence of part-time faculty. The announcement changed the University’s previous policy of refusing to recognize the part-time professors union, a move that has racked up $115 million in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. If you have $5 You probably shouldn’t be at GW. Seriously, you’ve only got $5 to spend? God, what’s wrong with you? My parents are so much richer than yours. Go to your work-study job, peasant. No, you know what, come […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Coulda-been shoulda-been former presidential candidate Al Gore spoke at The Treekiller’s G Street office yesterday, chastising the staff for polluting the environment by printing 12,000 copies of a newspaper no one reads. “Your paper just sits in the racks and in […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Contrary to earlier reports that pianist Regina Spektor would be performing at this year’s Spring Fling, Program Board announced that it has booked famed children’s band The Wiggles to campus for the annual event, held April 14 this year. The Wiggles, […]
Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Due to a miscalculation in the University’s budget, administrators announced Friday that they will implement major cutbacks throughout the campus – getting rid of “all unnecessary luxuries.” Students in Mitchell Hall Sunday night said that their doorknobs had all been replaced […]