April 1, 2006

Volume 102, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2006 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Calendar

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Thursday Counseling center depression session Feeling blue? Come hang with the counseling center and share your secrets – we promise we won’t snitch … honest! Time: 4:20 p.m. Location: Woodhull House, 2033 G St. Sponsored by the University Police Department, Student […]

April Fools’ Issue: GW: You need to get FUCKED

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. This school needs to get fucked. That’s right. You are uptight. You need to loosen up a little. I know what you need. You need to get fucked. We all know that you haven’t been fucked in a while. Maybe you […]

April Fools’ Issue: GW disengages from FB; $JT in coma

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After decades of terrorist attacks from the Dying Geezers Association, GW completed its unilateral disengagement from the Western Strip of campus Wednesday morning. Later that day, University President Stealin’ Your Trachtenbucks fell into a coma on the way back to campus […]

April Fools’ Issue: U.S. Postal Service sues the Sunday Mail

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Citing malicious defamation, the United States Postal Service announced Tuesday that they would be taking legal steps to force a GW-based band, The Sunday Mail, to change its name. “Due to a heinously irresponsible title, this band has convinced what we […]

April Fools’ Issue: Hurricane Shaniqua irony: blacks saved, Jews screwed

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. A half-year after Hurricane Katrina’s devastation in the Gulf, a new disaster has taken the country by storm, this time striking the nation’s capital. Hurricane Shaniqua struck Washington over the weekend, causing the Potomac River to overflow, reaching GW’s campus early […]

April Fools’ Issue: I’m on Adderall right now… again

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Sunday, 7:15 p.m. I swore I’d stop taking Adderall. I was sick of overdrive digestion, sick of the shakes, sick of lying awake analyzing the aesthetic merits of “serifs” versus “sans-serif” font. I thought I’d never live down the experience of […]