April 1, 2006

Volume 102, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2006 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Grads to walk at Pentagon City Mall

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University administrators announced Wednesday that due to the construction of an irrigation system by the National Parks Service, May’s Commencement ceremony will be moved from the National Mall to Pentagon City Mall. The Monumental Celebration, an annual party for graduating seniors, […]

April Fools’ Issue: The Bar Belle: DJ’s Fast Break

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Whhoaa whoa whoa holy shit I’m STARVING give me some motha’ fuckin’ PANCAKES!!!!! I mean, SHIT! Hey, hey hey you know I don’t speak Spanish! Hey can I get me some chickin with that? No? Not with pancakes? How about on […]

April Fools’ Issue: Endangered species found in SJT beard

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Reports confirm that an endangered species, the Singapore roundleaf horseshoe bat, has been found nesting in University President Stealin Your Trachtenbucks’ thick, white Jew-beard. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services offered Trachtenbucks $1.50, a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney […]

April Fools’ Issue: Mary Kate Olsen visits D.C.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Fans of “Full House” and anorexia were aflutter this week when former child star and current skeletal celebutante Mary Kate Olsen paid a visit to the District. Olsen arrived on Tuesday to lobby on behalf of Operation Gi-normous Sunglasses, an advocacy […]

April Fools’ Issue: NSA, CFs team up to bust students

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The BitchSlap has learned that President Bush has authorized GW’s commanding fascists to utilize the National Security Agency’s resources to conduct surveillance on students. Big Weiner, director of the Community Spying and Surveillance Center, released a statement from his lair in […]

April Fool’s Issue: Report: $JT didn’t graduate high school

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Stealin’ Your Trachtenbucks never graduated from high school – and his credentials from middle school and elementary school are also dubious – according to an in-depth investigation that determined he only received a diploma after paying off school officials. […]

April Fools’ Issue: Student finds rat

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The following is a true story. Read on if you have a strong stomach. zeeks: ok so i’m hungry, so i decide to order from Philadelphia Pizza Company zeeks: when the pizza guy came, he put the case that keeps the […]