April 1, 2006

Volume 102, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2006 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: Mary Kate Olsen visits D.C.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Fans of “Full House” and anorexia were aflutter this week when former child star and current skeletal celebutante Mary Kate Olsen paid a visit to the District. Olsen arrived on Tuesday to lobby on behalf of Operation Gi-normous Sunglasses, an advocacy […]

April Fools’ Issue: NSA, CFs team up to bust students

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The BitchSlap has learned that President Bush has authorized GW’s commanding fascists to utilize the National Security Agency’s resources to conduct surveillance on students. Big Weiner, director of the Community Spying and Surveillance Center, released a statement from his lair in […]

April Fool’s Issue: Report: $JT didn’t graduate high school

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University President Stealin’ Your Trachtenbucks never graduated from high school – and his credentials from middle school and elementary school are also dubious – according to an in-depth investigation that determined he only received a diploma after paying off school officials. […]

April Fools’ Issue: Student finds rat

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The following is a true story. Read on if you have a strong stomach. zeeks: ok so i’m hungry, so i decide to order from Philadelphia Pizza Company zeeks: when the pizza guy came, he put the case that keeps the […]

April Fools’ Issue: GW buys George Mason

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. GW is going to the Final Four the only way its budget-conscious administrators know how: it bought George Mason University Wednesday, only a few days ahead of the Patriots’ Final Four game against Florida. University officials figured that the Colonials would […]

April Fools’ Issue: Store sells students’ shit

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. CLLC has just announced plans to open a revenue-generating business, tentatively called Random Shit that Your Daddy Already Paid For, which will feature a variety of halogen lamps and scented candles. Random Shit is set to open at the end of […]

April Fools’ Issue: Sobbs to coach deaf university

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After a remarkable season at GW, it was no surprise that head coach Snarl Sobbs would be sought after by some of the larger programs in the country. With phone calls from NCAA powerhouses Indiana, Cincinnati, Missouri and Seton Hall, it […]

April Fools’ Issue: Scientologists buy Square 54

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Members of the Church of Scientology have purchased Square 54, the former site of the old GW Hospital, in honor of their religion’s founder, GW alumnus L. Ron Hubbard, University officials announced Wednesday. The spot was chosen for a new headquarters […]

April Fools’ Issue: Club Gelman to install $15 cover charge

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Aspiring to make it the city’s hottest social spot, Club Gelman managers instituted a new $15 cover charge at the door as well as a dress code prohibiting any clothing other than club attire. The result: nothing’s changed. Attendance has not […]