April 1, 2006

Volume 102, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2006 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: I’m on Adderall right now… again

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Sunday, 7:15 p.m. I swore I’d stop taking Adderall. I was sick of overdrive digestion, sick of the shakes, sick of lying awake analyzing the aesthetic merits of “serifs” versus “sans-serif” font. I thought I’d never live down the experience of […]

April Fools’ Issue: Crime Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. We can’t make this shit up. Every Thursday The Bitchslap publishes the Crime Log, which documents incidents on campus reported to University Police during the previous week. Some of them are pretty funny. All of these are true entries – we […]

April Fools’ Issue: Grads to walk at Pentagon City Mall

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. University administrators announced Wednesday that due to the construction of an irrigation system by the National Parks Service, May’s Commencement ceremony will be moved from the National Mall to Pentagon City Mall. The Monumental Celebration, an annual party for graduating seniors, […]

April Fools’ Issue: The Bar Belle: DJ’s Fast Break

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Whhoaa whoa whoa holy shit I’m STARVING give me some motha’ fuckin’ PANCAKES!!!!! I mean, SHIT! Hey, hey hey you know I don’t speak Spanish! Hey can I get me some chickin with that? No? Not with pancakes? How about on […]

April Fools’ Issue: Endangered species found in SJT beard

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Reports confirm that an endangered species, the Singapore roundleaf horseshoe bat, has been found nesting in University President Stealin Your Trachtenbucks’ thick, white Jew-beard. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services offered Trachtenbucks $1.50, a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney […]