April 1, 2006

Volume 102, Issue 52

Stories from the April 1, 2006 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

April Fools’ Issue: GW buys George Mason

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. GW is going to the Final Four the only way its budget-conscious administrators know how: it bought George Mason University Wednesday, only a few days ahead of the Patriots’ Final Four game against Florida. University officials figured that the Colonials would […]

April Fools’ Issue: Store sells students’ shit

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. CLLC has just announced plans to open a revenue-generating business, tentatively called Random Shit that Your Daddy Already Paid For, which will feature a variety of halogen lamps and scented candles. Random Shit is set to open at the end of […]

April Fools’ Issue: Sobbs to coach deaf university

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After a remarkable season at GW, it was no surprise that head coach Snarl Sobbs would be sought after by some of the larger programs in the country. With phone calls from NCAA powerhouses Indiana, Cincinnati, Missouri and Seton Hall, it […]

April Fools’ Issue: Scientologists buy Square 54

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Members of the Church of Scientology have purchased Square 54, the former site of the old GW Hospital, in honor of their religion’s founder, GW alumnus L. Ron Hubbard, University officials announced Wednesday. The spot was chosen for a new headquarters […]

April Fools’ Issue: Club Gelman to install $15 cover charge

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. Aspiring to make it the city’s hottest social spot, Club Gelman managers instituted a new $15 cover charge at the door as well as a dress code prohibiting any clothing other than club attire. The result: nothing’s changed. Attendance has not […]

April Fools’ Issue: University V.P. shoots donor in the face

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. GW Vice President Bab Cherney accidentally shot and wounded a wealthy donor of the University in the face during a hippopotamus hunting trip along the Potomac Saturday afternoon. After 45 minutes on hold with Undersized Penis officers, an EMeRG vehicle was […]

April Fools’ Issue: WMDs at package services

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. One of President Bush’s myriad causes for war in Iraq finally panned out after the now-occupied country’s infamous weapons of mass destruction surfaced Wednesday afternoon at GW’s package center. Long thought to be hidden in Iraqi bunkers or terrorist encampments in […]

April Fools’ Issue: The Cartoon Controversy

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. In recent weeks, cartoons depicting GW President Stealing Your Trachtenbucks appeared in Israeli newspapers and ignited riots all over the world. You may be surprised to see these photos on the pages of the BitchSlap. While the editorial board feels that […]

April Fools’ Issue: Staff Editorial: Name your price: cash-money bitches!

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. The “we’re right, you’re stupid” board is perennially derided for negativity in editorials. In response, the board has decided to offer positive editorials for sale. If you can meet the price, we can throw journalistic ethics out the window and spin […]