April 1, 2005

Volume 101, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2005 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

Spoof Issue: It’s Pat!

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Following in the footsteps of his bigger, higher profile teammates, freshman standout Pat Royce will leave school early for the NBA. According to the NBA’s office in New York, the super-sensational, super-scoring guard will take his high-flying game to the pros next […]

Spoof Issue: Red Sox win, bitching continues

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. While celebrating in the middle of Kogan Plaza on that fateful night last October, a freshman tool-bag with a bright orange shirt and popped collar had an epiphany. “My life is complete!” said the unidentified student, whose first Red Sox experience happened […]

Spoof Issue: Bono to Succeed John Paul II

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. In a surprising turn of events for the worlds of faith and commercial music, Pope John Paul II announced that Bono, lead singer of the popular rock group U2, will succeed him as the Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. In a […]

Spoof Issue: The tables are turnin’

It all started back in 1992. The East Coast/West Coast battle between Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G was heating up when PBS NewsHour’s Jim Lehrer called the similarities “whack.” But at the time, the public just wouldn’t believe. More recently, the parallel between hip-hop and political feuds have made themselves painfully clear, as a polarized […]

Spoof Issue: Mini Shockers

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Students may sue after 4-RIDE Long Island trip Two GW sophomores have filed complaints against the 4-RIDE service after they were driven from D.C. to a Long Island mall. The driver left them at the corner instead of right at the door […]

Spoof Issue: I’m on Adderall RIGHT NOW

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Maybe I could just get a prescription. It would be easy enough. Just go into the doctor’s office and start fiddling around with his cotton swabs and children’s books. “What? What did you say doc? Ha! Got your nose! Oh I’m sorry, […]

Spoof Issue: Wasted in Gelman

GELMAN is hOt@ sssssssssizzle izzlszless ~~~~~~~ ~ YEAH! HeY!- Get outta my Way – -ya JERk! GOD! Doesn’t anyone eat FritoS anymore? Noooo. Noooooo. We all want …. Dor -RI-TOS! With the big cheetah on the front. Yeah HiM! – ! @#. hEy, you com e ba ck here – CAT! I snuck a- a […]

Spoof Issue: Atlantic 10 stripped of automatic bid

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Reacting to a year in which teams in the Atlantic 10 Basketball Conference went 2-132 in non-conference play, the NCAA decided it was time to put the league conference in its proper place: exile. Now considered worse than a Division III league, […]