April 1, 2005

Volume 101, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2005 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

Spoof Issue: Whining gets a whole lot easier

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Want to complain about GW but didn’t learn much about writing in your freshman English class? Follow these steps and fill out the form letter below: 1. Pick something that isn’t perfect or could be made more luxurious in your college experience, […]

Spoof Issue: A Statement to the GW community

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Dear readers, There has been a lot of reflection around here lately about the enormous success of last year’s April 1 production, The Jew-W SnipIt. We are, after all, just a bunch of attention-seeking children, and as last year proved, what better […]

Spoof Issue: Univ. creates ‘homeless’ LLC

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The University has solved the campus housing shortage – get students to live on the streets. The Community Lying and Leaching Center has introduced a homeless living and learning community this semester to free up more beds on campus and provide students […]

Spoof Issue: Bush deploys UPD to Iraq

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. After depleting the Army, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard and even shopping mall security troops, President Bush last week called up GW’s entire University Police Department to fight in the war in Iraq. The 100-member battalion of security guards will attempt to […]

Spoof Issue: SJT yanks ANC feeding tube

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. University President Stubbly J. Troll won a legal battle this week to remove the feeding tube that has kept longtime Foggy Bottom resident and advocate Dearthy Maneater alive for years. Maneater is a member of the Almost Nonexistent Community, a local zoning […]

Spoof Issue: Fear and Loathing in the Afterlife

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. “You’d better take care of me, Lord. Otherwise you’re going to have me on your hands.” -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Well, here I am. I bet the so-called “omniscient, all-powerful” bastard thought I was kidding and that he’d never see […]

Spoof Issue: SAC ruins fun, hates charity

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Several students are facing expulsion following a sorority-sponsored charity hopscotch tournament on University Yard that violated GW regulations for Greek-letter groups Saturday afternoon. The sorority violated statute AA-6.58732, which prohibits unrecognized fraternities, ugly people and girls who don’t own Uggs from participating […]

Spoof Issue: Astronauts die in MVC shuttle fire

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. America is mourning the loss of three of its astronauts after their Mount Vernon shuttle bus burst into flames during re-entry to the Foxhall campus Wednesday evening. Commander Stephen Bossy, pilot Balls F. Steele and mission specialist Janet Tokenwomen were taking the […]

Spoof Issue: School Without Walls has walls

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. A yearlong Shocker investigation into the D.C. Public School system and the Office of Planning has revealed that Foggy Bottom’s acclaimed School Without Walls does in fact have walls. “I couldn’t believe it … all these years they’ve been lying about the […]

Spoof Issue: It’s Pat!

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Following in the footsteps of his bigger, higher profile teammates, freshman standout Pat Royce will leave school early for the NBA. According to the NBA’s office in New York, the super-sensational, super-scoring guard will take his high-flying game to the pros next […]