April 1, 2005

Volume 101, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2005 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

Spoof Issue: SJT yanks ANC feeding tube

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. University President Stubbly J. Troll won a legal battle this week to remove the feeding tube that has kept longtime Foggy Bottom resident and advocate Dearthy Maneater alive for years. Maneater is a member of the Almost Nonexistent Community, a local zoning […]

Spoof Issue: Fear and Loathing in the Afterlife

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. “You’d better take care of me, Lord. Otherwise you’re going to have me on your hands.” -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Well, here I am. I bet the so-called “omniscient, all-powerful” bastard thought I was kidding and that he’d never see […]

Spoof Issue: SAC ruins fun, hates charity

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Several students are facing expulsion following a sorority-sponsored charity hopscotch tournament on University Yard that violated GW regulations for Greek-letter groups Saturday afternoon. The sorority violated statute AA-6.58732, which prohibits unrecognized fraternities, ugly people and girls who don’t own Uggs from participating […]

Spoof Issue: Astronauts die in MVC shuttle fire

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. America is mourning the loss of three of its astronauts after their Mount Vernon shuttle bus burst into flames during re-entry to the Foxhall campus Wednesday evening. Commander Stephen Bossy, pilot Balls F. Steele and mission specialist Janet Tokenwomen were taking the […]

Spoof Issue: School Without Walls has walls

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. A yearlong Shocker investigation into the D.C. Public School system and the Office of Planning has revealed that Foggy Bottom’s acclaimed School Without Walls does in fact have walls. “I couldn’t believe it … all these years they’ve been lying about the […]

Spoof Issue: It’s Pat!

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Following in the footsteps of his bigger, higher profile teammates, freshman standout Pat Royce will leave school early for the NBA. According to the NBA’s office in New York, the super-sensational, super-scoring guard will take his high-flying game to the pros next […]

Spoof Issue: Red Sox win, bitching continues

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. While celebrating in the middle of Kogan Plaza on that fateful night last October, a freshman tool-bag with a bright orange shirt and popped collar had an epiphany. “My life is complete!” said the unidentified student, whose first Red Sox experience happened […]

Spoof Issue: Bono to Succeed John Paul II

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. In a surprising turn of events for the worlds of faith and commercial music, Pope John Paul II announced that Bono, lead singer of the popular rock group U2, will succeed him as the Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. In a […]

Spoof Issue: The tables are turnin’

It all started back in 1992. The East Coast/West Coast battle between Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G was heating up when PBS NewsHour’s Jim Lehrer called the similarities “whack.” But at the time, the public just wouldn’t believe. More recently, the parallel between hip-hop and political feuds have made themselves painfully clear, as a polarized […]