Volume 101, Issue 53
Stories from the April 1, 2005 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. A yearlong Shocker investigation into the D.C. Public School system and the Office of Planning has revealed that Foggy Bottom’s acclaimed School Without Walls does in fact have walls. “I couldn’t believe it … all these years they’ve been lying about the […]
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Following in the footsteps of his bigger, higher profile teammates, freshman standout Pat Royce will leave school early for the NBA. According to the NBA’s office in New York, the super-sensational, super-scoring guard will take his high-flying game to the pros next […]
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. While celebrating in the middle of Kogan Plaza on that fateful night last October, a freshman tool-bag with a bright orange shirt and popped collar had an epiphany. “My life is complete!” said the unidentified student, whose first Red Sox experience happened […]
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. In a surprising turn of events for the worlds of faith and commercial music, Pope John Paul II announced that Bono, lead singer of the popular rock group U2, will succeed him as the Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. In a […]
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Paris Hilton is slated to play Linda Lovelace in a remake of “Deep Throat,” drawing on what producer Jerry Bruckheimer calls “her fantastic abilities as both a thespian and a whore.” The 1972 film tells the touching tale of a woman whose […]
It all started back in 1992. The East Coast/West Coast battle between Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G was heating up when PBS NewsHour’s Jim Lehrer called the similarities “whack.” But at the time, the public just wouldn’t believe. More recently, the parallel between hip-hop and political feuds have made themselves painfully clear, as a polarized […]
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Students may sue after 4-RIDE Long Island trip Two GW sophomores have filed complaints against the 4-RIDE service after they were driven from D.C. to a Long Island mall. The driver left them at the corner instead of right at the door […]
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Maybe I could just get a prescription. It would be easy enough. Just go into the doctor’s office and start fiddling around with his cotton swabs and children’s books. “What? What did you say doc? Ha! Got your nose! Oh I’m sorry, […]
Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The Chicano, The Jew and The Oriental are in a sandwich shop. No, it’s not the start of a racist joke. They’re the names of three new racist sandwiches at Coggins’, which is seeking to capitalize on the success of its popular […]
GELMAN is hOt@ sssssssssizzle izzlszless ~~~~~~~ ~ YEAH! HeY!- Get outta my Way – -ya JERk! GOD! Doesn’t anyone eat FritoS anymore? Noooo. Noooooo. We all want …. Dor -RI-TOS! With the big cheetah on the front. Yeah HiM! – ! @#. hEy, you com e ba ck here – CAT! I snuck a- a […]