April 1, 2005

Volume 101, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2005 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

Spoof Issue: Daily Minuteman: Tower tile suffers

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Special from the Daily Minuteman POSTED 4:47:12 a.m. DailyMinuteman.com According to a University press release, a broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired. “A broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired,” the press release […]

Spoof Issue: GW opens new prison

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. There is a new housing option on campus this semester, and all the residents living there have no choice to opt out. University officials said the prison built last semester on the former hospital site on I Street between 22nd and 23rd […]

Spoof Issue: The GWome Depot

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. AISLE 1: Joint Election Committee (JEC) Played a crucial role in the 2000 election, which did not produce a winner for six weeks. Has since moved on to destroying other, much much more meaningless elections. Recently pulled off seemingly impossible feat of […]

Spoof Issue: Two in her meat, one in her seat

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The days of one orifice at a time are behind us. It is time to move into the new age of double orifice penetration. In the age of ADD children used to hundreds of TV channels and the Internet’s instant gratification, one […]

Spoof Issue: Whining gets a whole lot easier

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Want to complain about GW but didn’t learn much about writing in your freshman English class? Follow these steps and fill out the form letter below: 1. Pick something that isn’t perfect or could be made more luxurious in your college experience, […]

Spoof Issue: A Statement to the GW community

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Dear readers, There has been a lot of reflection around here lately about the enormous success of last year’s April 1 production, The Jew-W SnipIt. We are, after all, just a bunch of attention-seeking children, and as last year proved, what better […]

Spoof Issue: Univ. creates ‘homeless’ LLC

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The University has solved the campus housing shortage – get students to live on the streets. The Community Lying and Leaching Center has introduced a homeless living and learning community this semester to free up more beds on campus and provide students […]

Spoof Issue: Bush deploys UPD to Iraq

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. After depleting the Army, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard and even shopping mall security troops, President Bush last week called up GW’s entire University Police Department to fight in the war in Iraq. The 100-member battalion of security guards will attempt to […]

Spoof Issue: SJT yanks ANC feeding tube

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. University President Stubbly J. Troll won a legal battle this week to remove the feeding tube that has kept longtime Foggy Bottom resident and advocate Dearthy Maneater alive for years. Maneater is a member of the Almost Nonexistent Community, a local zoning […]

Spoof Issue: Fear and Loathing in the Afterlife

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. “You’d better take care of me, Lord. Otherwise you’re going to have me on your hands.” -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Well, here I am. I bet the so-called “omniscient, all-powerful” bastard thought I was kidding and that he’d never see […]