April 1, 2005

Volume 101, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2005 issue of the GW Hatchet. View a PDF version of this issue.

Spoof Issue: Mini Shockers

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Students may sue after 4-RIDE Long Island trip Two GW sophomores have filed complaints against the 4-RIDE service after they were driven from D.C. to a Long Island mall. The driver left them at the corner instead of right at the door […]

Spoof Issue: I’m on Adderall RIGHT NOW

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Maybe I could just get a prescription. It would be easy enough. Just go into the doctor’s office and start fiddling around with his cotton swabs and children’s books. “What? What did you say doc? Ha! Got your nose! Oh I’m sorry, […]

Spoof Issue: Wasted in Gelman

GELMAN is hOt@ sssssssssizzle izzlszless ~~~~~~~ ~ YEAH! HeY!- Get outta my Way – -ya JERk! GOD! Doesn’t anyone eat FritoS anymore? Noooo. Noooooo. We all want …. Dor -RI-TOS! With the big cheetah on the front. Yeah HiM! – ! @#. hEy, you com e ba ck here – CAT! I snuck a- a […]

Spoof Issue: Atlantic 10 stripped of automatic bid

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Reacting to a year in which teams in the Atlantic 10 Basketball Conference went 2-132 in non-conference play, the NCAA decided it was time to put the league conference in its proper place: exile. Now considered worse than a Division III league, […]

Spoof Issue: Women masturbate in FB

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Useless Po’Po’ officers are on the lookout for three women involved in separate public masturbation incidents that took place in Foggy Bottom last weekend. The most recent incident, which occurred at the International House, prompted UPD to post Public Safety Advisory notices […]

Spoof Issue: Play review: The Penis Monologues

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. GW’s Male Empowerment Mandate for Better Empathy and Rights (MEMBER) brought a controversial new play to campus. The Penis Monologues was part of a fundraiser to promote Y-chromosome organizations nationwide. “After The Vagina Monologues, we realized that men were being repressed,” said […]

Spoof Issue: European roommate perplexes student

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. When freshman James Begley came to GW, he was happy to have a double room all to himself. But things took a drastic turn for the worst after winter break. “I just got back to find some hairy naked kid doing some […]

Spoof Issue: Daily Minuteman: Tower tile suffers

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Special from the Daily Minuteman POSTED 4:47:12 a.m. DailyMinuteman.com According to a University press release, a broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired. “A broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired,” the press release […]

Spoof Issue: GW opens new prison

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. There is a new housing option on campus this semester, and all the residents living there have no choice to opt out. University officials said the prison built last semester on the former hospital site on I Street between 22nd and 23rd […]