April 2, 2004

Volume 100, Issue 56

Stories from the April 2, 2004 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Spoof Issue: Killas, pimps given krunk-ass record deals

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. In a recent press release, Intascope Records outlined its new marketing strategy, the centerpiece of which is a minimum criminal rap sheet for all of its new hip-hop contracts. In the release, Interscope Vice President of Public Relations Chip Thompson said that […]

Spoof Issue: Editorial: You know you’re a GW tool if…

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. * You are double majoring in political science and international affairs * You know what “MCGB” stands for * You kick people out of housing for smoking pot but smoke pot yourself * You are a student and have an office in […]

Spoof Issue: Column: Mel Gibson is going to hell

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. So I’m back. And frankly, I’m not happy about it. I really didn’t think anything could pull me away from my 2,000-year rest at the right hand of my Father. I mean, I died for your sins. I figure I deserve a […]

Spoof Issue: Forum: Suck my love pole … now

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Genesis 3:16 says Eve was commissioned out of Adam’s rib and therefore all women must suck dick at least four times a day or they are worthless wenches. If you don’t suck dick four times a day God will make you will […]

Spoof Issue: Forum: Don’t be a wussy, eat my pussy

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Life’s not fair. Well, it’s not fair for women. We get our periods, putting us sexually out of commission once a month. We have to shave – guys can shut up about their chins until they’ve shaved a bikini line. But that […]

Spoof Issue: GW hires Uday Hussein

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. In a move to restore the competitiveness of the GW softball team, the University hired former Iraqi Olympic chairman Uday Hussein as its new softball head coach yesterday. After GW’s last coach, Brauntay’ Heman, was fired for beating players over the head […]

Spoof Issue: GW fans suck

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Are you a GW fan? Do you chant “Richmond sucks”? If so, you are responsible for the countless deaths of men, women, little children, puppies and Princess Di. Your chants at GW basketball games negatively influence the team. And when the GW […]

Spoof Issue: TIGHTY WHITIES

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Jew-W considers Mars campus Jew-W students will have a closer view of Uranus this fall if the University purchases property on Mars. University President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood said the $3 billion project is part of GW’s effort to get in on the […]