April 2, 2004

Volume 100, Issue 56

Stories from the April 2, 2004 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Spoof Issue: ‘The Passion of the Trachtenjews’: The Ivory Towers

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. “Why Fogey Bitching Association hath thou forsaken me?” With this famous last line from our savior, the screen fades to black, but the gruesome image of Steven Jesus TrachtenJew nailed to a golden column is one that does not fade so easily, […]

Spoof Issue: Kampf again

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. On the rialto, the second wave of the Third Reich will soon be goose-stepping across the boards. Broadway fans are heaving sighs of disbelief over the latest musical comedy to grace the Great White Way, “Mein Kampf, or How I Learned to […]

Spoof Issue: Do the right-wing thing: Spike Lee to direct Bush-Cheney campaign ads

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Acclaimed director and black activist Spike Lee announced yesterday his intention to direct the next round of campaign advertisements championing President George W. Bush for reelection in 2004. “I was never interested in Spike’s movies much, but I finally rented ‘Do the […]

Spoof Issue: Killas, pimps given krunk-ass record deals

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. In a recent press release, Intascope Records outlined its new marketing strategy, the centerpiece of which is a minimum criminal rap sheet for all of its new hip-hop contracts. In the release, Interscope Vice President of Public Relations Chip Thompson said that […]

Spoof Issue: Editorial: You know you’re a GW tool if…

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. * You are double majoring in political science and international affairs * You know what “MCGB” stands for * You kick people out of housing for smoking pot but smoke pot yourself * You are a student and have an office in […]

Spoof Issue: Column: Mel Gibson is going to hell

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. So I’m back. And frankly, I’m not happy about it. I really didn’t think anything could pull me away from my 2,000-year rest at the right hand of my Father. I mean, I died for your sins. I figure I deserve a […]

Spoof Issue: Forum: Suck my love pole … now

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Genesis 3:16 says Eve was commissioned out of Adam’s rib and therefore all women must suck dick at least four times a day or they are worthless wenches. If you don’t suck dick four times a day God will make you will […]