April 2, 2004

Volume 100, Issue 56

Stories from the April 2, 2004 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Spoof Issue: Crosby protests for D.C. rapists’ rights

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Former GW men’s basketball convict Atillis Crosby took time out from his job at the D.C. battered women’s shelter yesterday to rally for rapists’ rights in front of the White House, protesting for what he called “a basketball player’s right to pound […]

Spoof Issue: READ ME!

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Pres. Hardon to enter Alcoholics Anonymus Suckssohard Association President Kissmy Hardon announced this week he will enter Alcoholics Anonymous immediately following his term. The junior, who has spent the last three years eroding his liver, said he hopes the University community will […]

Spoof Issue: Campus adopts 24-hour plan

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The University will institute a round-the-clock schedule starting next year, allowing Jew-W to fully utilize all campus facilities. Half the student body will take classes from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., while the other half will learn from 6 p.m. to 6 […]

Spoof Issue: University eliminates fun

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. With the recent sanction placed on the Skinny Drunken Tramps sorority, 100 percent of Greek-letter groups are currently under some form of University-sanctioned suspension. Director of Greek Affairs Really Hairy cited violation of the University Code of Conduct article 5,687 as reason […]

Spoof Issue: Jew-W girls turn to lesbianism

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Female students said they are turning to lesbianism and masturbation in response to the disproportionate numbers of gay, metrosexual and ugly guys at the University. In recent weeks, girls have begun growing armpit hair and burning their bras in Kogan Plaza. Females […]

Spoof Issue: Meal order arrives two years late

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. A Jew-W alumnus unexpectedly received his food from TGI Thursday’s this week, two years after placing his order. Sheldon P. Jobless, who graduated from the University in 2002, said he received the old order of Buffalo wings and a cheeseburger during a […]

Spoof Issue: Cum log

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Drug Law Violation 3/29 – Columbia Plaza – 2 a.m. Metrosexual Police officers arrested Smoking Joints Secretly Director Hungrylikethe Wolf for smoking students’ weed in her apartment. They also confiscated 10 bags of Funyuns and a bong fashioned from a Jew-W coffee […]

Spoof Issue: Fanny Fare makes comeback

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Students will be able to eat kosher-for-Passover food year-round and dine on cotton candy once again, part of Smokingcrackamark’s plan to improve campus dining options. The Matzo-Way and Creamed Peachery will join J Street next month, and Jew-W will add a revamped […]

Spoof Issue: Georges caught in secret affair

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Undersized Penis officers detained Big George and Little George after stumbling upon a sexual tryst between the two mascots in a Marvin Center bathroom Tuesday night. UPD Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead said the two mascots had been engaging in “freaky” sexual behavior in […]