April 2, 2004

Volume 100, Issue 56

Stories from the April 2, 2004 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Spoof Issue: Column: Mel Gibson is going to hell

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. So I’m back. And frankly, I’m not happy about it. I really didn’t think anything could pull me away from my 2,000-year rest at the right hand of my Father. I mean, I died for your sins. I figure I deserve a […]

Spoof Issue: Forum: Suck my love pole … now

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Genesis 3:16 says Eve was commissioned out of Adam’s rib and therefore all women must suck dick at least four times a day or they are worthless wenches. If you don’t suck dick four times a day God will make you will […]

Spoof Issue: Forum: Don’t be a wussy, eat my pussy

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Life’s not fair. Well, it’s not fair for women. We get our periods, putting us sexually out of commission once a month. We have to shave – guys can shut up about their chins until they’ve shaved a bikini line. But that […]

Spoof Issue: GW hires Uday Hussein

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. In a move to restore the competitiveness of the GW softball team, the University hired former Iraqi Olympic chairman Uday Hussein as its new softball head coach yesterday. After GW’s last coach, Brauntay’ Heman, was fired for beating players over the head […]

Spoof Issue: GW fans suck

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Are you a GW fan? Do you chant “Richmond sucks”? If so, you are responsible for the countless deaths of men, women, little children, puppies and Princess Di. Your chants at GW basketball games negatively influence the team. And when the GW […]

Spoof Issue: TIGHTY WHITIES

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Jew-W considers Mars campus Jew-W students will have a closer view of Uranus this fall if the University purchases property on Mars. University President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood said the $3 billion project is part of GW’s effort to get in on the […]

Spoof Issue: Crosby protests for D.C. rapists’ rights

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Former GW men’s basketball convict Atillis Crosby took time out from his job at the D.C. battered women’s shelter yesterday to rally for rapists’ rights in front of the White House, protesting for what he called “a basketball player’s right to pound […]

Spoof Issue: READ ME!

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Pres. Hardon to enter Alcoholics Anonymus Suckssohard Association President Kissmy Hardon announced this week he will enter Alcoholics Anonymous immediately following his term. The junior, who has spent the last three years eroding his liver, said he hopes the University community will […]

Spoof Issue: Campus adopts 24-hour plan

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The University will institute a round-the-clock schedule starting next year, allowing Jew-W to fully utilize all campus facilities. Half the student body will take classes from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., while the other half will learn from 6 p.m. to 6 […]

Spoof Issue: University eliminates fun

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. With the recent sanction placed on the Skinny Drunken Tramps sorority, 100 percent of Greek-letter groups are currently under some form of University-sanctioned suspension. Director of Greek Affairs Really Hairy cited violation of the University Code of Conduct article 5,687 as reason […]