April 2, 2004

Volume 100, Issue 56

Stories from the April 2, 2004 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Spoof Issue: Jew-W girls turn to lesbianism

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Female students said they are turning to lesbianism and masturbation in response to the disproportionate numbers of gay, metrosexual and ugly guys at the University. In recent weeks, girls have begun growing armpit hair and burning their bras in Kogan Plaza. Females […]

Spoof Issue: Meal order arrives two years late

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. A Jew-W alumnus unexpectedly received his food from TGI Thursday’s this week, two years after placing his order. Sheldon P. Jobless, who graduated from the University in 2002, said he received the old order of Buffalo wings and a cheeseburger during a […]

Spoof Issue: Cum log

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Drug Law Violation 3/29 – Columbia Plaza – 2 a.m. Metrosexual Police officers arrested Smoking Joints Secretly Director Hungrylikethe Wolf for smoking students’ weed in her apartment. They also confiscated 10 bags of Funyuns and a bong fashioned from a Jew-W coffee […]

Spoof Issue: Fanny Fare makes comeback

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Students will be able to eat kosher-for-Passover food year-round and dine on cotton candy once again, part of Smokingcrackamark’s plan to improve campus dining options. The Matzo-Way and Creamed Peachery will join J Street next month, and Jew-W will add a revamped […]

Spoof Issue: Georges caught in secret affair

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Undersized Penis officers detained Big George and Little George after stumbling upon a sexual tryst between the two mascots in a Marvin Center bathroom Tuesday night. UPD Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead said the two mascots had been engaging in “freaky” sexual behavior in […]

Spoof Issue: GW students earn M.R.S.

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. On college campuses throughout the United States, student organizations have become more and more specialized, catering to the interests of every single social stratum of a university. These groups sometime combine academic studies and entertainment, such as The Boalt – “The O.C.” […]

Spoof Issue: Getting tickled by Bubbles

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Friday night 2:47 a.m. The Mighty Mabel It wasn’t really as dark as I would have expected it to be. The red filters covering the lights not only lit the room adequately, but also set a very exotic tone for the whole […]

Spoof Issue: Student blabs on and on

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. A Jew-W student’s persistent in-class questions and comments are causing heightened levels of irritation in all of his courses, students said. Most class members say Mikey Looselips, a junior, is responsible for an average of 17 minutes worth of wasted time in […]