March 31, 2003

Officials in the Political Copulation program in the School of Mindless and Pointless Affairs announced yesterday that they would no longer accept GW admits into their programs. The program is implementing a three-year plan to purge GW students from its enrollment and secede from the SMPA. Citing disgust with GW’s second-tier rating and infinite tuition […]

GW will implement a two-pronged approach to solving next year’s housing crunch. The University will add a GW Baghdad campus and rename freshman and sophomores “first year” and “second year” seniors next year get around zoning requirements. A District of Corruption court ruled in February that GW must provide beds for 70 percent of its […]

PB and J chair reexamines look Peanut Butter and Jelly Chair Buying Grass decided to change his physical appearance in repsonse to student complaints about PB’s “bad look.” Grass announced last week that Barry Williams (Greg from the “The Brady Bunch”) would headline Spring Fling, and he will be dressing up accordingly. Grass told the […]

Liquor Law Violation – 4/20 – Stoner’s Hall A University Punkass officer responding to a noise violation found several students passed out on the floor of a room. Also in the room were several hundred hypodermic needles, 500 large transparent bags with a “white, powdery substance” and several scales. One of the conscious residents in […]

The campus chapter of the Regimented Organization of Tools and Conscripts (ROTC) has launched a coup against the Suckers Association, claiming the scandal-ridden group no longer represents the student body. ROTC officials said the SA had become nothing but a “puppet regime” controlled by former Executive Vice Pillpopper Rick D’Liar and B.J. Blackheart, among others. […]

In an effort to fulfill community service requirements while becoming more politically active in the war effort, the women of the Sexual Drugged-out Tramp sorority made over dirty hippies in the District for anti-war protests Sunday. Sorority members described the hippies as “dread-locked Deadheads in need of some serious low-rise stretch jeans.” While some hippies […]

Housing officials announced Friday they will redistribute housing selection numbers to rising sophomores starting Thursday because of a technical glitch that left out the lower half of housing lottery numbers last week. Other changes include allowing traditional rising sophomores to pull in rising juniors who started attending GW as freshmen in fall 2002 and two […]

In the next phase of its strategic marketing blitzkrieg initiative, the University will utilize next year’s planned writing program to get GW’s name out there in a unique way. A standardized University grammar manual will serve as a basis to teach all incoming students “GWenglish,” in which all words beginning with the letter “g” or […]

GW begins ‘shock and awe’ expansion GW has launched its much- anticipated “shock and awe” campaign to eviscerate historic Foggy Bottom and rid the community of its elderly residents. After giving locals 48 hours to vacate their homes or die, GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney, in an address yesterday, gave the order to begin the […]

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