March 31, 2003

The GW Athletic Department announced yesterday it is cutting all varsity sports except men’s and women’s basketball, citing a total lack of interest from the student body. The decision lowers the number of sports offered at GW from 18 to two and gives the basketball teams 100 percent of athletic department funding, up one percent […]

After 30 years of butch girls vainly attempting to play sports, young women at universities throughout the nation are finally headed back to the kitchen. Concluding a year of debate over what to do with Title IX, a presidential committee decided yesterday to revoke the law entirely. This removes all obligations from universities to give […]

Instead of eliminating the tradition of Midnight Madness all together as planned earlier this year, the Athletic Department has decided to move the rally to the Delt House and replace all basketball-related events with “acts of spirited debauchery,” Athletic Director Jack Nopantz said yesterday. University officials had originally planned to scrap the event because of […]

Ohio prep phenom Hegot Games decided to forgo his rookie year in the NBA yesterday to play basketball at GW in a move that head coach Karl Sobbs called “an act of God.” Nobody really knows why Games chose GW over the NBA or Duke, Arizona or even Duquesne for that matter. “GW is gonna […]

Pleased with the progress his freshmen made this season, head men’s basketball coach Karl Sobbs announced yesterday he is making a concerted effort to get even skinnier recruits for next season. Strapped to find anyone more lanky than current freshmen Oh-my Williams, Fruit Loops Mensah-Bonsu and Mike Corridor, Sobbs said he was looking to have […]

University implements “lifetime fee” Students will have a millionth reason to complain about GW’s extra fees and high tuition when administrators implement a $10,000 per year fee next year that students will pay to the University for the rest of their lives. Officials said the fee will increase their alumni giving rate and give GW […]

GW women’s basketball player Shego Noha, known for her fierce intensity and defensive prowess, lost control Sunday as she started blocking shots from both the opposition and her own teammates. Roughly four minutes into the Colonials’ win over Temple, Noha had a huge rejection that sent the crowd into a frenzy. After letting out an […]

In a pre-dawn raid Saturday morning, Useless Pretender officers arrested freshman Simon Limpdick, the notorious Thrustin Hall carpet muncher. UPD Chief Walrus Staffwhore said Limpdick will be charged with sexual impropriety and conspiracy to commit further acts of sexual pleasure. Limpdick is the first student to be prosecuted under the new Consensual Fornicating Act, which […]

GW will implement a two-pronged approach to solving next year’s housing crunch. The University will add a GW Baghdad campus and rename freshman and sophomores “first year” and “second year” seniors next year get around zoning requirements. A District of Corruption court ruled in February that GW must provide beds for 70 percent of its […]

Officials in the Political Copulation program in the School of Mindless and Pointless Affairs announced yesterday that they would no longer accept GW admits into their programs. The program is implementing a three-year plan to purge GW students from its enrollment and secede from the SMPA. Citing disgust with GW’s second-tier rating and infinite tuition […]