March 31, 2003

Volume 99, Issue 57

Stories from the March 31, 2003 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Muff diver arrested in University sex sting

In a pre-dawn raid Saturday morning, Useless Pretender officers arrested freshman Simon Limpdick, the notorious Thrustin Hall carpet muncher. UPD Chief Walrus Staffwhore said Limpdick will be charged with sexual impropriety and conspiracy to commit further acts of sexual pleasure. Limpdick is the first student to be prosecuted under the new Consensual Fornicating Act, which […]

Noha snaps, begins blocking GW shots too

GW women’s basketball player Shego Noha, known for her fierce intensity and defensive prowess, lost control Sunday as she started blocking shots from both the opposition and her own teammates. Roughly four minutes into the Colonials’ win over Temple, Noha had a huge rejection that sent the crowd into a frenzy. After letting out an […]

PoliCop program to secede from GW

Officials in the Political Copulation program in the School of Mindless and Pointless Affairs announced yesterday that they would no longer accept GW admits into their programs. The program is implementing a three-year plan to purge GW students from its enrollment and secede from the SMPA. Citing disgust with GW’s second-tier rating and infinite tuition […]

GW to open Baghdad campus; renames students

GW will implement a two-pronged approach to solving next year’s housing crunch. The University will add a GW Baghdad campus and rename freshman and sophomores “first year” and “second year” seniors next year get around zoning requirements. A District of Corruption court ruled in February that GW must provide beds for 70 percent of its […]

More useless shit

PB and J chair reexamines look Peanut Butter and Jelly Chair Buying Grass decided to change his physical appearance in repsonse to student complaints about PB’s “bad look.” Grass announced last week that Barry Williams (Greg from the “The Brady Bunch”) would headline Spring Fling, and he will be dressing up accordingly. Grass told the […]

How was your weekend?

Liquor Law Violation – 4/20 – Stoner’s Hall A University Punkass officer responding to a noise violation found several students passed out on the floor of a room. Also in the room were several hundred hypodermic needles, 500 large transparent bags with a “white, powdery substance” and several scales. One of the conscious residents in […]

ROTC stages hostile coup, replaces SA govt

The campus chapter of the Regimented Organization of Tools and Conscripts (ROTC) has launched a coup against the Suckers Association, claiming the scandal-ridden group no longer represents the student body. ROTC officials said the SA had become nothing but a “puppet regime” controlled by former Executive Vice Pillpopper Rick D’Liar and B.J. Blackheart, among others. […]

Greek boxer briefs

In an effort to fulfill community service requirements while becoming more politically active in the war effort, the women of the Sexual Drugged-out Tramp sorority made over dirty hippies in the District for anti-war protests Sunday. Sorority members described the hippies as “dread-locked Deadheads in need of some serious low-rise stretch jeans.” While some hippies […]

GW to reissue sophomore housing numbers this week

Housing officials announced Friday they will redistribute housing selection numbers to rising sophomores starting Thursday because of a technical glitch that left out the lower half of housing lottery numbers last week. Other changes include allowing traditional rising sophomores to pull in rising juniors who started attending GW as freshmen in fall 2002 and two […]

GWiting to GWow rankings

In the next phase of its strategic marketing blitzkrieg initiative, the University will utilize next year’s planned writing program to get GW’s name out there in a unique way. A standardized University grammar manual will serve as a basis to teach all incoming students “GWenglish,” in which all words beginning with the letter “g” or […]