March 31, 2003

Volume 99, Issue 57

Stories from the March 31, 2003 issue of the GW Hatchet.

GW to reissue sophomore housing numbers this week

Housing officials announced Friday they will redistribute housing selection numbers to rising sophomores starting Thursday because of a technical glitch that left out the lower half of housing lottery numbers last week. Other changes include allowing traditional rising sophomores to pull in rising juniors who started attending GW as freshmen in fall 2002 and two […]

GWiting to GWow rankings

In the next phase of its strategic marketing blitzkrieg initiative, the University will utilize next year’s planned writing program to get GW’s name out there in a unique way. A standardized University grammar manual will serve as a basis to teach all incoming students “GWenglish,” in which all words beginning with the letter “g” or […]

April Fools Issue

GW begins ‘shock and awe’ expansion GW has launched its much- anticipated “shock and awe” campaign to eviscerate historic Foggy Bottom and rid the community of its elderly residents. After giving locals 48 hours to vacate their homes or die, GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney, in an address yesterday, gave the order to begin the […]

Meet the editors

Dandy Balldips I am Brazil’s leading male-bikini model and some times I overcompensate for my small penis by stuffing plantains in my leopard print Speedo. I enjoy long walks on the beach, ritualistic sacrifices of baby boars, underage women and face-painting. My talents include posing for pornographic photography, putting my legs behind my head and […]

Battle of the Genitals

Q: I am beginning to fear that I can only get my rocks off with make-up sex. I purposely start fights with my boyfriend so that we can spend the next three hours fucking until we love each other again. I think it is becoming a serious problem … I don’t think I can be […]

GW begins ‘shock and awe’ expansion

GW has launched its much- anticipated “shock and awe” campaign to eviscerate historic Foggy Bottom and rid the community of its elderly residents. After giving locals 48 hours to vacate their homes or die, GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney, in an address yesterday, gave the order to begin the takeover of the historic community Sunday. […]

Jesus stages second coming

“Make way, biznitch. Bethlehem in the house!” The words of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rang out last weekend on the GW campus. Unfortunately his message fell on deaf ears. “They were deaf,” said Jesus. “Not literally deaf, of course. I could deal with that. These kids were just real friggin’ ignant.” Jesus Christ’s […]

Oh, the places you’ll go

Bill and Louisa’s Bait, Tackle and Syringe Emporium had fallen on hard times. However, things have changed since the Amalgamated Union of Reefers and Republicans recently endorsed marijuana as the nation’s premier gateway drug. “We’ve got the cleanest needles in town and darn good prices, too,” said Bill, as he wrapped an oversized rubber band […]

GW changes name to Georgetown

In a last ditch attempt to gain applications, GW will rename itself The Georgetown University next fall to trick incoming freshmen into thinking they are going to a better school. University officials are ordering new signs for all campus buildings and flags for streetlights, a project expected to cost $2 million in marketing materials. “My […]