March 31, 2003

Ohio prep phenom Hegot Games decided to forgo his rookie year in the NBA yesterday to play basketball at GW in a move that head coach Karl Sobbs called “an act of God.” Nobody really knows why Games chose GW over the NBA or Duke, Arizona or even Duquesne for that matter. “GW is gonna […]

Instead of eliminating the tradition of Midnight Madness all together as planned earlier this year, the Athletic Department has decided to move the rally to the Delt House and replace all basketball-related events with “acts of spirited debauchery,” Athletic Director Jack Nopantz said yesterday. University officials had originally planned to scrap the event because of […]

University implements “lifetime fee” Students will have a millionth reason to complain about GW’s extra fees and high tuition when administrators implement a $10,000 per year fee next year that students will pay to the University for the rest of their lives. Officials said the fee will increase their alumni giving rate and give GW […]

Pleased with the progress his freshmen made this season, head men’s basketball coach Karl Sobbs announced yesterday he is making a concerted effort to get even skinnier recruits for next season. Strapped to find anyone more lanky than current freshmen Oh-my Williams, Fruit Loops Mensah-Bonsu and Mike Corridor, Sobbs said he was looking to have […]

In a pre-dawn raid Saturday morning, Useless Pretender officers arrested freshman Simon Limpdick, the notorious Thrustin Hall carpet muncher. UPD Chief Walrus Staffwhore said Limpdick will be charged with sexual impropriety and conspiracy to commit further acts of sexual pleasure. Limpdick is the first student to be prosecuted under the new Consensual Fornicating Act, which […]

GW women’s basketball player Shego Noha, known for her fierce intensity and defensive prowess, lost control Sunday as she started blocking shots from both the opposition and her own teammates. Roughly four minutes into the Colonials’ win over Temple, Noha had a huge rejection that sent the crowd into a frenzy. After letting out an […]

Officials in the Political Copulation program in the School of Mindless and Pointless Affairs announced yesterday that they would no longer accept GW admits into their programs. The program is implementing a three-year plan to purge GW students from its enrollment and secede from the SMPA. Citing disgust with GW’s second-tier rating and infinite tuition […]

GW will implement a two-pronged approach to solving next year’s housing crunch. The University will add a GW Baghdad campus and rename freshman and sophomores “first year” and “second year” seniors next year get around zoning requirements. A District of Corruption court ruled in February that GW must provide beds for 70 percent of its […]

PB and J chair reexamines look Peanut Butter and Jelly Chair Buying Grass decided to change his physical appearance in repsonse to student complaints about PB’s “bad look.” Grass announced last week that Barry Williams (Greg from the “The Brady Bunch”) would headline Spring Fling, and he will be dressing up accordingly. Grass told the […]

Liquor Law Violation – 4/20 – Stoner’s Hall A University Punkass officer responding to a noise violation found several students passed out on the floor of a room. Also in the room were several hundred hypodermic needles, 500 large transparent bags with a “white, powdery substance” and several scales. One of the conscious residents in […]