April 1, 2002

Volume 98, Issue 55

Stories from the April 1, 2002 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Comish, the fish: Fish gets scaled

Alright, GW, you asked for it. As your distinguished commissioner and all around toolbox responsible for the legacies of Posh Swinger and the like. I’m finally coming clean. The contradictions are just too many. And The Snatchet won’t take my calls any more. I guess they’re on to my verbal mastery of taking hours to […]

CNN tags freshmen booty

THRUSTIN HALL – CNN host Stuckher Inthrustin was found unconscious in a pool of his own vomit Sunday night after an apparent trifecta of sex, drugs and bush jumping during a weekend-long visit to his new GW stomping grounds, his fan club reported. Inthrustin was taken to the GW Hospital, where 80 ounces of Old […]

BZA doesn’t affect students

A Buysnothing Zattheuniversitysays Aboutthecampus committee ruled Tuesday to force GW to house 110 percent of its students on campus by next fall. The same day, the Advice Nobodyingovernment Caresabout commission voted to force GW to analyze the noise generated by students sitting on the new solid gold couches on he fourth floor of the library, […]

Masturbator weds vagina

A man known as the “lewd driver,” who cruises around campus revealing himself, said he felt it is time to cum clean Wednesday in a recent Snatchet interview – and boy were his hands dirty. The campus celebrity – who frequents the 22nd and L streets corridor asking for directions to New York Avenue with […]

SA EVP undergoes robot body transplant

The GW Hospital announced the successful transplant of Snooty Association Executive Extremely Vain Pimp Josh Bling-Blinger’s brain into a robotic body yesterday. His legion of followers applauded the effort and marched in unison behind him for his initial tour of GW’s campus. On the tour, Bling-Blinger had troubling adjusting to his new weaponry and destroyed […]

MPD outlaws alcohol thoughts

The Might Patrol D.C. Department arrested 10 GW students last week for underage “alcoholic thoughts” after a new law prohibiting students from thinking about alcohol was passed with neighborhood approval. The officers said the students were “probably thinking about the alcohol.” MPD officer Copsin Shops said laws indicate that if you are thinking about alcohol, […]

Around This Shithole

PB messed up, again Programming Bullshit Concert Couch Posh Doyouwantmybody said he “was happy” to bring Chumbawumba and Lou Bega to campus calling them “popular modern-day acts.” “I am happy to announce that we that students will be able to dance to ‘Tubthumping’ and ‘Mambo Number Five’ in the Smith Center,” Doyouwantmybody said, clutching the […]

Neighbors declare jihad on GW

A suicide bomber from know terrorist group the Viagra Militia blew up the Extraneous School of Illicit Affairs building as part of a declaration of war against what they call GW’s “occupying forces.” “Enough is enough! We are going to teach GW that we will not take their invasion of our community lightly,” said Freakin […]

SAE, ZBT joins hazers anonymous

Several fraternities jumped up and kicked the University in the balls Friday when they announced at a press conference that they are starting an organization for fraternities that haze. “We’re tired of all this pussy fraternity shit,” said Snatches Are Excellent President Friday Focker. “You got questions, I’ve got answers. We haze the shit out […]

Japs protest CP loss, don black in protest

GW Japs declared a campus-wide month of mourning this week over the loss of Columbia Plaza as a viable housing option. The bitches announced they will wear all black on Friday and Saturday nights all month. “Like there’s a fucking surprise,” was the most common response from students. Others included: “Does mourning shed fat from […]