April 1, 2002

Volume 98, Issue 55

Stories from the April 1, 2002 issue of the GW Hatchet.

SA EVP undergoes robot body transplant

The GW Hospital announced the successful transplant of Snooty Association Executive Extremely Vain Pimp Josh Bling-Blinger’s brain into a robotic body yesterday. His legion of followers applauded the effort and marched in unison behind him for his initial tour of GW’s campus. On the tour, Bling-Blinger had troubling adjusting to his new weaponry and destroyed […]

MPD outlaws alcohol thoughts

The Might Patrol D.C. Department arrested 10 GW students last week for underage “alcoholic thoughts” after a new law prohibiting students from thinking about alcohol was passed with neighborhood approval. The officers said the students were “probably thinking about the alcohol.” MPD officer Copsin Shops said laws indicate that if you are thinking about alcohol, […]

Around This Shithole

PB messed up, again Programming Bullshit Concert Couch Posh Doyouwantmybody said he “was happy” to bring Chumbawumba and Lou Bega to campus calling them “popular modern-day acts.” “I am happy to announce that we that students will be able to dance to ‘Tubthumping’ and ‘Mambo Number Five’ in the Smith Center,” Doyouwantmybody said, clutching the […]

Neighbors declare jihad on GW

A suicide bomber from know terrorist group the Viagra Militia blew up the Extraneous School of Illicit Affairs building as part of a declaration of war against what they call GW’s “occupying forces.” “Enough is enough! We are going to teach GW that we will not take their invasion of our community lightly,” said Freakin […]

SAE, ZBT joins hazers anonymous

Several fraternities jumped up and kicked the University in the balls Friday when they announced at a press conference that they are starting an organization for fraternities that haze. “We’re tired of all this pussy fraternity shit,” said Snatches Are Excellent President Friday Focker. “You got questions, I’ve got answers. We haze the shit out […]

Japs protest CP loss, don black in protest

GW Japs declared a campus-wide month of mourning this week over the loss of Columbia Plaza as a viable housing option. The bitches announced they will wear all black on Friday and Saturday nights all month. “Like there’s a fucking surprise,” was the most common response from students. Others included: “Does mourning shed fat from […]

TRL to battle CNN

In a bid to compete with CNN’s Crunchtire, MTV executives have decided to move TRL to GW permanently. “We wanted to get something for the lame kids as well as the poli-sci nerds,” said University President Steely Dan Truckasaurus. The show will be broadcast from the Terrace in J Street. Lame-obsessed young people with nothing […]

Arts: GW sex scandel revealed

Merely minutes after the announcement of the tragic breakup of Justin Timberlake and the vivacious Britney Spears, the pop-diva cum legitimate film star was spotted in J Street making come-hither glances at GW’s number one policy wonk, Posh Swinger. But almost as soon as word spread of Swinger’s sexual victory, campus sources reported a sea […]

Crime Report

Liquor Law Violation 3/18 Livetostudy Hall A Community Fornicator smelled orange juice on the seventh floor. An administrative search was conducted, and an empty bottle of Fresh Samantha orange juice was confiscated. Orange juice is the latest addition to the list of beverages forbidden by the CLLC, because “if you leave it out too long […]