April 1, 2002

Volume 98, Issue 55

Stories from the April 1, 2002 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Whinos: Jail mail

Just want to give a big shout-out to all my devoted fans at GW who still believe in me through all my troubles. Life is decent here. The food ain’t that bad, but the guys have gone nuts finding new ways to use broom handles. Your fan mail has helped me through it. I hear […]

Whinos: Old people rule

Old people get a lot of flack around GW. University Overlord Stealin Your Tracksofland ridicules us publicly, students want us to die off and our children, grand-children, great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren are ashamed to be associated with us. I’m writing to request a little respect. I demand respect because I’m old and wise. I’m not like […]

Lovin Snatches

A mysterious case of food poisoning after a pit stop at an Atlanta Wendy’s chain left the entire University of Kansas basketball team bed-ridden, and doctors say it could be weeks before the team fully recovers. The situation leaves the Jayhawks waving bye-bye to the Final Four and hello to their vomit pails. In an […]

No W’s, but you can buy a vowel

Head basketball czar and losing streak specialist Kills Mobs said during the season (note to readers: wake up, this isn’t about the men’s on-court performance) that he and senior lamppost Chaafing Pits were like father and son. Last week each gave each other what Pits called “the greatest honor I can think of” by changing […]

Former basketball star finds religion

No, it’s not everybody’s favorite convicted felon Athrilla Causei’mbuyingsex. Instead. After leaving GW at the end of his depressing sophomore season – one in which he went unselected (huge understatement) in the 2001 NBA Draft, failed to lock on with an National Basketball Development League team and had little success on the corner of 14th […]

Burying the Snatchet

A few weeks ago I slept with this guy on the floor of his closet after a party, never expecting to see him again. Then yesterday I was talking to this really hot guy in line at Starbucks. I later realized it was the guy who I slept with. I would really like to see […]

Smokin’: Alcohol good, weed better

Look, I see where you’re coming from, I guess. There are definitely positives to drinking, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had plenty of drunken good times, and I’ll down a Tom Collins anytime you’ve got one to spare. It’s just that I’d rather chill out with my friends, smoke a bowl and maybe order a […]

Comish, the fish: Fish gets scaled

Alright, GW, you asked for it. As your distinguished commissioner and all around toolbox responsible for the legacies of Posh Swinger and the like. I’m finally coming clean. The contradictions are just too many. And The Snatchet won’t take my calls any more. I guess they’re on to my verbal mastery of taking hours to […]

CNN tags freshmen booty

THRUSTIN HALL – CNN host Stuckher Inthrustin was found unconscious in a pool of his own vomit Sunday night after an apparent trifecta of sex, drugs and bush jumping during a weekend-long visit to his new GW stomping grounds, his fan club reported. Inthrustin was taken to the GW Hospital, where 80 ounces of Old […]