April 1, 2002

Volume 98, Issue 55

Stories from the April 1, 2002 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Ejaculate art comes from the heart

GW sophomore makes an unlikely revolutionary. Clad in boxers and a “Big Johnson” T-shirt, he sits in his small studio apartment his bathrobe cast conspicuously across the floor. Piles of videos lay by the television and a collapsed easel lays broken on the ground, a testament to Heart’s uncompromising artistic style. This is the man […]

Staff editorial: Kathie Lee rules

What’s all this fuss about sweatshops? Let’s talk economics. The clothes we wear are cheap because of sweatshops. Yeah, yeah – little people in other countries work hours a day under terrible conditions. So do we at The Snatchet, and we don’t complain. You want to buy American? Then do it. Pay the price. Bitch […]

Staff editorial: Bling, bling moron

Damn it! They are cheap enough now, so buy one already. We at The Snatchet are talking about cell phones. Not only are they cheap, they are free in many cases. So claiming that they are too expensive simply won’t cut it anymore. Holding out because you’re fundamentally against the idea of having a wireless […]

More sappy movie bullshit

Following the box office and critical success of A Beautiful Mind, Hollywood studios are rushing to release a number of other heartwarming movies based on the lives of famous psychopaths. And following director Ron Howard and producer Brian Glazer’s trailblazing move while making A Beautiful Mind, studio execs are not bothering to actually read any […]

Whinos: Taking offense

I would say I read the paper frequently, and I do so with great interest. But would it be possible to refrain from being so offensive. I mean just because it’s April Fool’s Day doesn’t mean that you should be funny. I basically take offense to just about anything involving drugs, alcohol, race, sex, religion, […]

Inside our snatch: Flexible snatch at your service

Editor’s note: The following is not to be read by my mother, grandmother or sweet neighbor Elizabeth. Some of you are tired of hearing about our snatch. You’d rather enjoy it immediately without the commentary or details of its complexities. But that’s life, so let me tell you about it anyway, because our snatch can […]

Whinos: Jail mail

Just want to give a big shout-out to all my devoted fans at GW who still believe in me through all my troubles. Life is decent here. The food ain’t that bad, but the guys have gone nuts finding new ways to use broom handles. Your fan mail has helped me through it. I hear […]

Whinos: Old people rule

Old people get a lot of flack around GW. University Overlord Stealin Your Tracksofland ridicules us publicly, students want us to die off and our children, grand-children, great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren are ashamed to be associated with us. I’m writing to request a little respect. I demand respect because I’m old and wise. I’m not like […]

Lovin Snatches

A mysterious case of food poisoning after a pit stop at an Atlanta Wendy’s chain left the entire University of Kansas basketball team bed-ridden, and doctors say it could be weeks before the team fully recovers. The situation leaves the Jayhawks waving bye-bye to the Final Four and hello to their vomit pails. In an […]

No W’s, but you can buy a vowel

Head basketball czar and losing streak specialist Kills Mobs said during the season (note to readers: wake up, this isn’t about the men’s on-court performance) that he and senior lamppost Chaafing Pits were like father and son. Last week each gave each other what Pits called “the greatest honor I can think of” by changing […]