April 1, 2002

Volume 98, Issue 55

Stories from the April 1, 2002 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Lovin Snatches

A mysterious case of food poisoning after a pit stop at an Atlanta Wendy’s chain left the entire University of Kansas basketball team bed-ridden, and doctors say it could be weeks before the team fully recovers. The situation leaves the Jayhawks waving bye-bye to the Final Four and hello to their vomit pails. In an […]

No W’s, but you can buy a vowel

Head basketball czar and losing streak specialist Kills Mobs said during the season (note to readers: wake up, this isn’t about the men’s on-court performance) that he and senior lamppost Chaafing Pits were like father and son. Last week each gave each other what Pits called “the greatest honor I can think of” by changing […]

Former basketball star finds religion

No, it’s not everybody’s favorite convicted felon Athrilla Causei’mbuyingsex. Instead. After leaving GW at the end of his depressing sophomore season – one in which he went unselected (huge understatement) in the 2001 NBA Draft, failed to lock on with an National Basketball Development League team and had little success on the corner of 14th […]

Burying the Snatchet

A few weeks ago I slept with this guy on the floor of his closet after a party, never expecting to see him again. Then yesterday I was talking to this really hot guy in line at Starbucks. I later realized it was the guy who I slept with. I would really like to see […]

Smokin’: Alcohol good, weed better

Look, I see where you’re coming from, I guess. There are definitely positives to drinking, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had plenty of drunken good times, and I’ll down a Tom Collins anytime you’ve got one to spare. It’s just that I’d rather chill out with my friends, smoke a bowl and maybe order a […]

Comish, the fish: Fish gets scaled

Alright, GW, you asked for it. As your distinguished commissioner and all around toolbox responsible for the legacies of Posh Swinger and the like. I’m finally coming clean. The contradictions are just too many. And The Snatchet won’t take my calls any more. I guess they’re on to my verbal mastery of taking hours to […]

CNN tags freshmen booty

THRUSTIN HALL – CNN host Stuckher Inthrustin was found unconscious in a pool of his own vomit Sunday night after an apparent trifecta of sex, drugs and bush jumping during a weekend-long visit to his new GW stomping grounds, his fan club reported. Inthrustin was taken to the GW Hospital, where 80 ounces of Old […]

BZA doesn’t affect students

A Buysnothing Zattheuniversitysays Aboutthecampus committee ruled Tuesday to force GW to house 110 percent of its students on campus by next fall. The same day, the Advice Nobodyingovernment Caresabout commission voted to force GW to analyze the noise generated by students sitting on the new solid gold couches on he fourth floor of the library, […]

Masturbator weds vagina

A man known as the “lewd driver,” who cruises around campus revealing himself, said he felt it is time to cum clean Wednesday in a recent Snatchet interview – and boy were his hands dirty. The campus celebrity – who frequents the 22nd and L streets corridor asking for directions to New York Avenue with […]