April 2, 2001

University Police arrested Osama bin Laden, the FBI’s most wanted fugitive, Friday after discovering the criminal had been living in Aston Hall for the past nine months under the alias “Miss Olga.” The University Bureau of Investigation pinpointed bin Laden’s hideout in The Aston after noticing $72,583 worth of phone calls to Kabul, Afghanistan, Dar […]

Opinions Editor’s Note: Written at 12:35 a.m. Thursday, March 5, 2001 after an emergency editorial meeting, the following editorial was intended to appear in that day’s issue of The GW Hatchet until the JEC came to its senses, which in turn caused the editorial board to meet again at 2:07 a.m. to adjust its opinion. […]

By Alex Kingsbury U-WIRE Washington Bureau April 2, 2001 Following a long and arduous battle, the Senate is posed to vote on the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform bill on Monday — a bill that, if passed, would change more than a quarter century of election funding law. The bill restricts some forms of political advertisement, […]

The Art Department’s new Glassblowing for Beginners class has gained popularity over the last year, Art Department Chair Exhippie McSellout said. “The students are very enthusiastic about the class,” says Wesley Willis, who teaches the class. “But they are always forgetting things, like due dates.” The class was first offered in the fall, McSellout said, […]

We here at The Mullet want to raise awareness. GW students, those lazy, apathetic wretches who only seem to get their panties in a twist when the line at Einstein Bros. is too long or someone gets a better deal on pizza from Papa John’s, are famous for … OK, we recognize that GW is […]

Students who call the University escort service 4-RIDE for a ride from one on-campus locations to another must use the Colonial Express Shuttle if they are near a shuttle stop starting this week, said Dolores Stafford, director of University Police. “During peak hours students going from one building to another on the shuttle route will […]

In a plan to acclimate GW students to real-life politics and boost GW rankings, the University announced a number of new political science classes for the 2001-2002 school year. The most high-profile of the courses lie in the new Compassionate-Conservative concentration to be taught by Bush cabinet officials. Classes in the new curriculum include “Destroying […]

Fitter, happier, more productive Never paying for food With a Mullet belly so seductive Thurston 15 where are you? You slapped our asses And yelled “Whoa Nelly” We gave you notes for classes Production weekends were smelly The king of beer pong Dethroned by CORE luck Office morale remained strong Until Mullet Bowl IX, “you […]

Before attending a Helta Tau Skelta political party, President George W. Shrub spoke to the GW Collard Greens thanking them from the “bottom of (his soulless, black) heart” for getting him elected. “Yee-haw! If it weren’t for your efforts, this wouldn’t have been possible,” Shrub said. “Hell, y’all made the difference in Florida.” In particular, […]

Green lights flash. The silence of the night is shattered by squawking radios, “32, what’s your 10-20? 32? 32? Big Dawg! Where the fuck are you?” Just another Newagehippiesmokinup Hall drug raid. Just another Wednesday night for the intrepid gumshoes of the Universally Pointless Dopes. Tonight began like any other in Foggy Bottom. Big Dawg […]