April 2, 2001

Volume 97, Issue 55

Stories from the April 2, 2001 issue of the GW Hatchet.

DCD: Free Joint Day at the Smith Center

March 20, 2001 Smith Center 4:20 p.m. As I entered the Smith Center Sunday for the women’s charity basketball game against the Jamaican University Rastas, I would have to say the woman of the hour was none other than Areyou Ready, Sucking ASSociation director of colonial silliness. In a recent move to increase support for […]

Kantdance awards Freeman full scholarship

Athletic Director Jack Kantdance is following the FBI’s lead by placing Adrian Freeman on the University’s Most Wanted list. Kantdance and the GW men’s basketball coach Tomas Pencil both want Freeman to play on the team, and have offered the former campus beanie-baby icon a four-year full ride. “Well, he’d be such a great addition […]

Ball game breaks out during fight

A co-ed pick-up basketball game turned ugly Friday when several players of the “We play for Daniel Soares’ release from a Brazilian jail” team became involved in a scuffle with the “Larry `Tex’ Silverman does not reside in Boca during the winter” squad. Tensions reached their max when players turned on their own teammates. “Larry […]

Bush busted at frat party

President George W. Bush was arrested Sunday night when Metro Police raided a party at the Gang Street Helta Tau Skelta frat house. The Helt house is quiet this morning, but a pair of cowboy boots hangs in the branches of the frat’s infamous “shoe tree” – a poignant reminder of the evenings’ insanity. The […]

University fires coach following NCAA loss

He ranks 14th among the nation’s active coaches in wins, but that is not enough. He has been to the NCAA Tournament nine times, advancing once to the tournament’s Sweet Sixteen and once to the Elite Eight. But even that is not enough. He turned around a disastrous women’s basketball program and within two years […]

Up yours SJT!

GW has once again ignored the valid concerns of its neighbors. We know we are senile old farts who bitch about loud music and moan about the University building a brand new hospital we secretly hope to use. We know we complain about every little thing in what has become a vicious house-to-house war of […]

Hishardcock screws Kandidates

Newly elected Sucking Asslotion Chieftain Rogering Kandidates formed his Kitchen Cabinet Monday by naming Pedro from Papa John’s as his double secret advisor. “Pedro’s always been a close friend of mine, always willing to lend a hand whenever I needed a bullshit receipt for silly campaign finance stuff,” Kandidates said. But other members of the […]

SJT really Jesus! Son of God shares wisdom with GW sinners

As our world goeth about changing itself at a phenomenal pace unto a different kind of placest, a purgatory like GW faces all kinds of problems as it strives for self-definition. Shalt it resist the pull of the Tower of Babel by makingest its campus ever more attractive, ever more laden with usury and entertainment? […]

Kantdance offers Freeman full scholarship

Reports from the news wire indicated major shakeups will take place on the GW men’s basketball bus next season. Administrative assistant James McGovern said he will appeal to the Athletic Department to move his seat from the fourth row, aisle seat to the fourth row, window position. “I think moving to a window position will […]

Terrorist caught in The Aston

University Police arrested Osama bin Laden, the FBI’s most wanted fugitive, Friday after discovering the criminal had been living in Aston Hall for the past nine months under the alias “Miss Olga.” The University Bureau of Investigation pinpointed bin Laden’s hideout in The Aston after noticing $72,583 worth of phone calls to Kabul, Afghanistan, Dar […]