April 2, 2001

Volume 97, Issue 55

Stories from the April 2, 2001 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Hishardcock screws Kandidates

Newly elected Sucking Asslotion Chieftain Rogering Kandidates formed his Kitchen Cabinet Monday by naming Pedro from Papa John’s as his double secret advisor. “Pedro’s always been a close friend of mine, always willing to lend a hand whenever I needed a bullshit receipt for silly campaign finance stuff,” Kandidates said. But other members of the […]

SJT really Jesus! Son of God shares wisdom with GW sinners

As our world goeth about changing itself at a phenomenal pace unto a different kind of placest, a purgatory like GW faces all kinds of problems as it strives for self-definition. Shalt it resist the pull of the Tower of Babel by makingest its campus ever more attractive, ever more laden with usury and entertainment? […]

Kantdance offers Freeman full scholarship

Reports from the news wire indicated major shakeups will take place on the GW men’s basketball bus next season. Administrative assistant James McGovern said he will appeal to the Athletic Department to move his seat from the fourth row, aisle seat to the fourth row, window position. “I think moving to a window position will […]

Terrorist caught in The Aston

University Police arrested Osama bin Laden, the FBI’s most wanted fugitive, Friday after discovering the criminal had been living in Aston Hall for the past nine months under the alias “Miss Olga.” The University Bureau of Investigation pinpointed bin Laden’s hideout in The Aston after noticing $72,583 worth of phone calls to Kabul, Afghanistan, Dar […]

Staff Editorial: And die

Opinions Editor’s Note: Written at 12:35 a.m. Thursday, March 5, 2001 after an emergency editorial meeting, the following editorial was intended to appear in that day’s issue of The GW Hatchet until the JEC came to its senses, which in turn caused the editorial board to meet again at 2:07 a.m. to adjust its opinion. […]

Campaign finance reform set to pass in Senate

By Alex Kingsbury U-WIRE Washington Bureau April 2, 2001 Following a long and arduous battle, the Senate is posed to vote on the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform bill on Monday — a bill that, if passed, would change more than a quarter century of election funding law. The bill restricts some forms of political advertisement, […]

Glassblowing class gains popularity at GW

The Art Department’s new Glassblowing for Beginners class has gained popularity over the last year, Art Department Chair Exhippie McSellout said. “The students are very enthusiastic about the class,” says Wesley Willis, who teaches the class. “But they are always forgetting things, like due dates.” The class was first offered in the fall, McSellout said, […]

Staff Editorial: Eat shit

We here at The Mullet want to raise awareness. GW students, those lazy, apathetic wretches who only seem to get their panties in a twist when the line at Einstein Bros. is too long or someone gets a better deal on pizza from Papa John’s, are famous for … OK, we recognize that GW is […]

GW cuts 4-Ride service

Students who call the University escort service 4-RIDE for a ride from one on-campus locations to another must use the Colonial Express Shuttle if they are near a shuttle stop starting this week, said Dolores Stafford, director of University Police. “During peak hours students going from one building to another on the shuttle route will […]

Bush pals win teaching jobs

In a plan to acclimate GW students to real-life politics and boost GW rankings, the University announced a number of new political science classes for the 2001-2002 school year. The most high-profile of the courses lie in the new Compassionate-Conservative concentration to be taught by Bush cabinet officials. Classes in the new curriculum include “Destroying […]