April 2, 2001

Volume 97, Issue 55

Stories from the April 2, 2001 issue of the GW Hatchet.

STOPLIGHT: J Street worker spits before you swallow

He serves thousands of students a day in J Street. He’s been around for years. He is the one with the giant afro-mullet with six gold combs sticking out. He is Ty-foid Tyron Jennings. Jennings is better known to students as Ty-foid because he never washes his hands. Several disease outbreaks on campus have been […]

Dildo in my eye

I am shocked and appalled that The Mullet would print the word “dildo.” Being a feminist fundamentalist, I find dildos offensive and wish to say shame on you for printing the word dildo. The Mullet can maintain its journalistic integrity without printing dildo or other similarly offensive words. You do not see fit to print […]

NOT GOOD ‘NUFF: IM Harasses Students

Students have complained about a user of AOL Instant Messenger who is harassing female students. The culprit, whose screen name is BigStudSJT69, claims to be a GW administrator. “He’s a creep!” said junior Julie Hoolie, whose screen name is SororityChickGDub. “He IMed me out of nowhere and wanted to know what I was wearing. Yuck!” […]

Students still sloshed

Weeks after the change from Coca-Cola to Budweiser in all campus drink machines, students are still feeling the buzz. “Err . what u askin’ me?” a junior who could not remember his name said. “I’m so drunk. Man isn’t that J Street worker HOT! She can take my order!” The switch to Budweiser from Coca-Cola […]

B is for blowjob

In the interest of academic freedom, I should be able to say and do whatever I want in my classroom. If I want to teach constitutional law in my birthday suit, no administrator or feminist windbag is going to stop me. I am protected by due process and the Faculty Code, not to mention an […]

Alice DeeJay voted the absolutely best techno-trance-a-tronica band

In the greatest triumph of techno artistry to date, the International Amalgated Union of Techno Enthusiasts declared Alice DeeJay the greatest techno-trance-a-tronica band in the free world. “We’ve been to a lot of raves,” says 13-year-old Corey Reamer, president of IAUTE. “And if there’s a band that truly embodies the spirit of a bunch of […]

DCD: Free Joint Day at the Smith Center

March 20, 2001 Smith Center 4:20 p.m. As I entered the Smith Center Sunday for the women’s charity basketball game against the Jamaican University Rastas, I would have to say the woman of the hour was none other than Areyou Ready, Sucking ASSociation director of colonial silliness. In a recent move to increase support for […]

Kantdance awards Freeman full scholarship

Athletic Director Jack Kantdance is following the FBI’s lead by placing Adrian Freeman on the University’s Most Wanted list. Kantdance and the GW men’s basketball coach Tomas Pencil both want Freeman to play on the team, and have offered the former campus beanie-baby icon a four-year full ride. “Well, he’d be such a great addition […]

Ball game breaks out during fight

A co-ed pick-up basketball game turned ugly Friday when several players of the “We play for Daniel Soares’ release from a Brazilian jail” team became involved in a scuffle with the “Larry `Tex’ Silverman does not reside in Boca during the winter” squad. Tensions reached their max when players turned on their own teammates. “Larry […]

Bush busted at frat party

President George W. Bush was arrested Sunday night when Metro Police raided a party at the Gang Street Helta Tau Skelta frat house. The Helt house is quiet this morning, but a pair of cowboy boots hangs in the branches of the frat’s infamous “shoe tree” – a poignant reminder of the evenings’ insanity. The […]