April 1, 2000

Volume 96, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2000 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Prez hires new VP, ‘I will call him Mini-Me’

GW’s prez, Dr. T-Evil said Wednesday that a new vice president in charge of Silly Ass Student Support started work this week. Mini-Me, who was genetically engineered to be a one-eighth-size replica of Dr. T-Evil, will become the new SASS vice president. Although Mini-Me has no prior experience at a university, Dr. T-Evil said he […]

Enough about you people, let’s talk about me

(Ed. Note: Mr. Holt has a well-documented drinking problem. He turned 21 three weeks ago, and now he just sits at his desk with a scotch bottle glued to his lips cursing Georgetown for beating GW in some obscure 1960s baseball game. He pounded out this column sometime Saturday night before passing out in The […]

Band-ing together forever and ever and ever

Eager to lead the enthusiastic and always intense Buff and Blue faithful, the GW band arrived late Saturday night at South Riding field to begin preparing for next season’s women’s soccer opener. After fixing the clinks in the trumpets and trombones, the band began practicing the Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ The Impression That I Get for […]

Prez Shaft rallies against the man

Newly elected SA president Shaft Burnt shook shit up Wednesday afternoon in the first annual Rally Against The Man, an event coordinated by the Shaft regime from GW and Howard Universities. I’ve got the power now, boyeee, Shaft shouted to the crowd with funkadellic music playing in the background. We’re gonna bring down this establishment […]

High hos

News of new Crappy Life and Low Cooperation programs is usually a big snore to most everyone besides the staff of CLLC. But the unveiling of two new Sweet Love Cities has some GW students ripping off their pants and getting’ jiggy with glee. Following the dubious success of The Smarty-Pants Shtetl, which puts up […]

Upcoming games

Monday: Flip Cups vs. Florida State-1 a.m. Tuesday: Hi, Bob at UCLA-11 p.m. Craps at UNLV-TBA Wednesday: Cow tipping at Oklahoma State-12:30 a.m. Thursday: Quarters vs. Miami-midnightishTruth or Dare at Texas-3 p.m.

GW buys White House, Clinton moves to a trailer on the Ellipse

GW officials announced today they would purchase 89 percent of the White House and hope to use their new acquisition as residence hall space for next year’s exceedingly large freshman class. This is a great, great day for GW, said University President Biggie Joel. Now, GW will finally receive the national attention we deserve. Officials […]

D.C.Diary: Babe behind bars

March 31, 2000 D.C. Jail Cell 9:21 p.m. He’s been called a parasite to the world, a tragic literary figure, and a prince. Former GW student Ned Meindoesntwork’s story is the stuff of scandalous biographies and made-for-TV movies. Sensing a good story and not wanting to get scooped by Fox News or some other reputable […]

Handy Tips for Getting Maximum Protection from University Police

-from your not-so-friendly UPD officers – If you need protection, call two hours before anything happens. If we’re not on a lunch, coffee, bathroom or donut break or harassing the homeless, we’ll be with you in a few hours. – If you need an escort van, call four hours in advance. Be sure to be […]