April 1, 2000

Volume 96, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2000 issue of the GW Hatchet.

FBI opens investigation into GW’s Smith Center Mafia

After a FOX-5 report that aired last week, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has opened an inquiry into the so-called Smith Center Mafia, the Bureau announced Friday. FOX-5 discovered that although ostensibly, the GW athletic department was full of competent, easygoing and friendly employees, something sinister appeared to lurk underneath. The station found evidence that […]

Brown scores 100, GW loses 160-102

Freshman guard SirShootalot Brown amazed the packed Smith Center Thursday night with a 43-for-120 shooting performance that netted the nation’s leading scorer 100 points. Despite Brown’s record-shattering performance, the Colonials fell to Duquesne, 160-102. I always said, once I get my shootin’ thang on, ain’t no stoppin’ me, said Brown, who then started crying because […]

NATIONAL CHAMPS

(footballFlorida State 17GW 20) NEW ORLEANS, LA. – Finally. After waiting 110 years, the George Washington University took home its first football championship Sunday night when the No. 1-ranked Colonials (12-0) pulled out a heart-stopping 20-17 win over the Seminoles from No. 2 Florida State University (11-1) in the Nokia Sugar Bowl. When the polls […]

Sports Briefs

Boxer Briefs Ultimate Frisbee team hit with NCAA sanctions The fallout continues after a New York Times expos? revealed in February that ultimate Frisbee player Better vanNookin’ held a Beer Blast at his apartment in January. The NCAA announced in Indianapolis, Ind., Friday that the Hungry, Hungry Hippos will not be allowed to appear on […]

Trustees to decide coach’s fate

The Board of Trustees met into the wee hours of the morning late Sunday night to discuss the fate of the men’s water polo coach after another disappointing year. Powerful alumni, working behind the scenes in August of 1999, made their feelings clear to the administration that if the GW program did not shape up […]

Prez hires new VP, ‘I will call him Mini-Me’

GW’s prez, Dr. T-Evil said Wednesday that a new vice president in charge of Silly Ass Student Support started work this week. Mini-Me, who was genetically engineered to be a one-eighth-size replica of Dr. T-Evil, will become the new SASS vice president. Although Mini-Me has no prior experience at a university, Dr. T-Evil said he […]

Enough about you people, let’s talk about me

(Ed. Note: Mr. Holt has a well-documented drinking problem. He turned 21 three weeks ago, and now he just sits at his desk with a scotch bottle glued to his lips cursing Georgetown for beating GW in some obscure 1960s baseball game. He pounded out this column sometime Saturday night before passing out in The […]

Band-ing together forever and ever and ever

Eager to lead the enthusiastic and always intense Buff and Blue faithful, the GW band arrived late Saturday night at South Riding field to begin preparing for next season’s women’s soccer opener. After fixing the clinks in the trumpets and trombones, the band began practicing the Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ The Impression That I Get for […]

Prez Shaft rallies against the man

Newly elected SA president Shaft Burnt shook shit up Wednesday afternoon in the first annual Rally Against The Man, an event coordinated by the Shaft regime from GW and Howard Universities. I’ve got the power now, boyeee, Shaft shouted to the crowd with funkadellic music playing in the background. We’re gonna bring down this establishment […]