April 1, 2000

Volume 96, Issue 53

Stories from the April 1, 2000 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Prez Shaft rallies against the man

Newly elected SA president Shaft Burnt shook shit up Wednesday afternoon in the first annual Rally Against The Man, an event coordinated by the Shaft regime from GW and Howard Universities. I’ve got the power now, boyeee, Shaft shouted to the crowd with funkadellic music playing in the background. We’re gonna bring down this establishment […]

High hos

News of new Crappy Life and Low Cooperation programs is usually a big snore to most everyone besides the staff of CLLC. But the unveiling of two new Sweet Love Cities has some GW students ripping off their pants and getting’ jiggy with glee. Following the dubious success of The Smarty-Pants Shtetl, which puts up […]

Upcoming games

Monday: Flip Cups vs. Florida State-1 a.m. Tuesday: Hi, Bob at UCLA-11 p.m. Craps at UNLV-TBA Wednesday: Cow tipping at Oklahoma State-12:30 a.m. Thursday: Quarters vs. Miami-midnightishTruth or Dare at Texas-3 p.m.

GW buys White House, Clinton moves to a trailer on the Ellipse

GW officials announced today they would purchase 89 percent of the White House and hope to use their new acquisition as residence hall space for next year’s exceedingly large freshman class. This is a great, great day for GW, said University President Biggie Joel. Now, GW will finally receive the national attention we deserve. Officials […]

D.C.Diary: Babe behind bars

March 31, 2000 D.C. Jail Cell 9:21 p.m. He’s been called a parasite to the world, a tragic literary figure, and a prince. Former GW student Ned Meindoesntwork’s story is the stuff of scandalous biographies and made-for-TV movies. Sensing a good story and not wanting to get scooped by Fox News or some other reputable […]

Handy Tips for Getting Maximum Protection from University Police

-from your not-so-friendly UPD officers – If you need protection, call two hours before anything happens. If we’re not on a lunch, coffee, bathroom or donut break or harassing the homeless, we’ll be with you in a few hours. – If you need an escort van, call four hours in advance. Be sure to be […]

The Barbelle: Fraternity House

Bar: Fraternity House Where: You all know Crowd: frat boys and sorority girls Getting In: show them your boobs and you’re a shoo-in Prices: free (if you show them your boobs) Food: are you kidding? Dancing: I guess you could call it that Pick-ups: they’ll pick you up and take you anywhere you want to […]

Phil Meisjerk sells University to AOL

A month before starting to serve on the Marvin Center Whining Board, Phil Meisjerk has already been impeached for attempting to sell the University to America Online. Meisjerk held a press conference Sunday at J Street to announce that he was disbanding the University and selling off the property and the student body as laborers […]

`Making the Girl’ reveals how to be the next Britney

You’ve seen Making the Band. It’s the show where a few special guys are selected to become the next boy-band sensation. And you knew this show would follow close behind. It’s Making of the Girl. And anyone can be the next Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera or Mandy Moore. However, the producer of the show, Aaron […]