April 1, 1999

Freshman Sen. Unsheathed Hardon introduced a piece of legislation at Tuesday’s Make-Pretend Senate calling for all females in Thrustin’ Hell to go topless at least once a week. “See, this is all about equal rights and keeping it real,” Hardon said. “I think it is entirely unfair that I can be liberated enough to walk […]

Greek letters blazoned across broad chests(but mostly not-so-broad chests) – the eternal April fools.Budweiser, Lowenbrau and Rolling Rock, their only tools. Always a bastion of raunchy news –public drunkenness and debauchery.With frat boys, reporters NEVER lose. Lambda Chi Alpha tried to sell the pretty-boy bro in `99but, in the SA elections, he got burned by […]

Riot breaks out at Smith Center The usual evening overflow in the Smith Center work-out room turned violent last night as students began brawling over the use of stationary bikes. Observers said several female students became entangled in the melee, which began when one accused another of cutting in line for the much-coveted bikes. “Some […]

The recently opened GW Women’s Center is a pile of rubble today, after it collapsed Wednesday morning under the weight of its own self-importance. “It’s been on the brink of collapse for weeks,” said M. Power Edd, head of facilities at GW’s Mount Vernon campus. “I’m surprised it took this long.” The center’s limit was […]

You thought you exactly knew what the alphabet soup of acronyms at GW meant. You thought wrong. Here are the real words behind the letters. SJT Still Jackin’ TuitionJEC Jointly Evading CompetenceIFC Intoxicated Frat CreepsCLLC Center for Lackeys, Laziness and ClodsANC Association of Ninnies and CheatsSA Simply AsininePB Piss-poor BudgetingGW VP Getting Wages; Vapid PerformancesMVC […]

Student Association 5% of GW students know what the SA is12% think they have seen the SA walking down the street68% wish they had never heard of the SA15% told us their opinion, but because they missed a meeting, they were fined and thrown off the final results. Program Board 99.9% of students wish they […]

Orally satisfying The Troupeawhores would like to take the opportunity to introduce ourselves to the GW community. We are GW’s only a cappella escort service. The way we work is quite simple: You call us up (or e-mail us at whores@gwu.edu), and order one of our performances. We can do group songs, duos or solos. […]

Following in the footsteps of fellow super-group the Spice Girls, ‘N Sync announced this week it will star in its own motion picture. The film will be about five guys in a band who are obsessed with New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys and try to emulate their icons. “When I first read […]

Everyone knows the Simply Aggravating elections were a joke. The candidates were inept. The ones who lost would have done shitty; the ones who won also will do shitty. Actually they won’t do much of anything. (There will, however, be a “student rally” outside the Marvin Center next week protesting the lack of Orangina in […]

Just Enjoys Carelessness announced Tuesday that Swingin’ “Mr.” Rogers (hey, baby check out my Land of Make-Believe) won this year’s election for Student Alienation president. “We’re gonna make the SA mo’ bigger, mo’ stronger, mo’ better,” Rogers said. He then went back to standing under a J Street table. Rogers did not run a write-in […]