April 1, 1999

UPD apprehended a Mitchell Hall resident Monday after he was found reading an overdue book on the roof of his residence hall, said Seven Grooves, Gelman’s Dangerous Liaison. “To Kill A Mockingbird was three weeks overdue and someone needed to pay,” Grooves said. “We recovered the book even though three pages had been dog-eared and […]

After years and years of being held captive in Downstage Lisner, Ordinary Theatre has escaped. For the first time, the group will perform in the Dorothy Betts Theatre. “It feels so good to be free,” director Zit Poppin said. “They kept us down there – in that small musty room with uncomfortable chairs and horrible […]

Unqualified Police arrested GW Votes coordinator Madam’s Nipple today and charged him with assault after he used his Army techniques on two Thrustin Hell students who refused to change their voter registration to D.C. “They wouldn’t switch so I pulverized them,” Nipple said. Nipple was petitioning for Eats Minors, a candidate for Annoying Nasty Creatures. […]

The world gasped a dramatic “what the fuck?” when Bad Boy Entertainment superstar Sean “Puffy” Combs performed a duet entitled “Come With Me” with former Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page. While Page has been busy trying to live down that ghetto rendition of “Cashmere,” Puff Daddy has thrown himself back into the world of stupid […]

A resident of Crapfilled Hall has petitioned the University to cohabitate with a goat and Continuously Losing and Loathing Center officials say they are considering the plan. “I just feel I need to live as I please without University intervention,” said Morals Lapsing, who requested to live with “Baby,” a goat he met in Dupont […]

Originally Published 04/01/99 Bar: EvensWhere: 2222 J StreetCrowd: Really nice peopleGetting in: Strictly 21 year oldsPrices: Very reasonableFood: delicious gourmet itemsDancing: YesPick-ups: Only tactful onesPluses: Good-looking people, great music and tons of funMinuses: Absolutely nothing Close to campus, Evens provides the best entertainment for a night of fun with friends. At this bar, there are […]

GW’s in-house spinmeister Just Hopin’ (the Republicans will win the presidency) is graduating in just a few weeks, leaving MS Hatchet reporters wondering who will fill their stories with political mumbo-jumbo and Beltway jive. Hopin’ said he is doing a world-wide search for a replacement, “someone who will circumvent issues and hide behind humor like […]

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Freshman Sen. Unsheathed Hardon introduced a piece of legislation at Tuesday’s Make-Pretend Senate calling for all females in Thrustin’ Hell to go topless at least once a week. “See, this is all about equal rights and keeping it real,” Hardon said. “I think it is entirely unfair that I can be liberated enough to walk […]

Greek letters blazoned across broad chests(but mostly not-so-broad chests) – the eternal April fools.Budweiser, Lowenbrau and Rolling Rock, their only tools. Always a bastion of raunchy news –public drunkenness and debauchery.With frat boys, reporters NEVER lose. Lambda Chi Alpha tried to sell the pretty-boy bro in `99but, in the SA elections, he got burned by […]