April 1, 1999

Volume 95, Issue 59

Stories from the April 1, 1999 issue of the GW Hatchet.

Street gangs terrorize campus after elections

The streets of GW are burning this week as a slew of Student Association-fueled hate crimes have come in the wake of last Thursday’s elections. Roving street gangs have turned GW’s once safe and virtually Tab-free community into a war zone. Riots started immediately after the results were announced Thursday night as supporters of presidential […]

Games No One Cares About

B-BattleshipC-CandylandCNT-co-ed naked TwisterBHS-bald head shiningLH-loogie hockingTS-tobacco spittingPE-phlegm expectorating *In a vat of Jell-O Today: B at Navy-12 a.m. A few days from now: C at Florida St.CNT vs. Mount Vernon* Sometime next week: BHS at St. John’s Whenever: LH vs. Oklahoma St.TS at Virginia TechPE at Ohio St.

Sports Boxers

Hatchet reporter sold soul for basketball history knowledge The Hatchet sports writer who wrote the “History of GW Basketball” series sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the information, Lucifer said in a press conference in hell Tuesday. While many thought that Day Hore did all of his own research for the lengthy […]

GW denounces Republic of Venereal Disease

GW President Stinkin’ Tackyturd announced Monday at a press conference the decision to bomb the Republic of Venereal Diseases, a sovereign nation established by a couple of students with no friends last fall. What first began as a program recognized and celebrated by the Crazy Lazy Losers Center dissolved into a dissident group wanting only […]

GW Athletics Quiz

See if you bleed buff and blue. Test your GW sports IQ: 1. Round thing used in many GW sports (i.e. basket____). 2. The number “54” that GW point guard Shawnta Rogers wears has this relationship to his height. 3. GW crew teams use these to row their boats through the water. 4. GW head […]

The Dangerous Liaison cracks down on deviants

UPD apprehended a Mitchell Hall resident Monday after he was found reading an overdue book on the roof of his residence hall, said Seven Grooves, Gelman’s Dangerous Liaison. “To Kill A Mockingbird was three weeks overdue and someone needed to pay,” Grooves said. “We recovered the book even though three pages had been dog-eared and […]

It came from the basement

After years and years of being held captive in Downstage Lisner, Ordinary Theatre has escaped. For the first time, the group will perform in the Dorothy Betts Theatre. “It feels so good to be free,” director Zit Poppin said. “They kept us down there – in that small musty room with uncomfortable chairs and horrible […]

GW Votes whoops freshman booty

Unqualified Police arrested GW Votes coordinator Madam’s Nipple today and charged him with assault after he used his Army techniques on two Thrustin Hell students who refused to change their voter registration to D.C. “They wouldn’t switch so I pulverized them,” Nipple said. Nipple was petitioning for Eats Minors, a candidate for Annoying Nasty Creatures. […]

Puff Daddy, Taco Bell dog unite for song

The world gasped a dramatic “what the fuck?” when Bad Boy Entertainment superstar Sean “Puffy” Combs performed a duet entitled “Come With Me” with former Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page. While Page has been busy trying to live down that ghetto rendition of “Cashmere,” Puff Daddy has thrown himself back into the world of stupid […]