April 1, 1999

Unqualified Police arrested GW Votes coordinator Madam’s Nipple today and charged him with assault after he used his Army techniques on two Thrustin Hell students who refused to change their voter registration to D.C. “They wouldn’t switch so I pulverized them,” Nipple said. Nipple was petitioning for Eats Minors, a candidate for Annoying Nasty Creatures. […]

The world gasped a dramatic “what the fuck?” when Bad Boy Entertainment superstar Sean “Puffy” Combs performed a duet entitled “Come With Me” with former Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page. While Page has been busy trying to live down that ghetto rendition of “Cashmere,” Puff Daddy has thrown himself back into the world of stupid […]

A resident of Crapfilled Hall has petitioned the University to cohabitate with a goat and Continuously Losing and Loathing Center officials say they are considering the plan. “I just feel I need to live as I please without University intervention,” said Morals Lapsing, who requested to live with “Baby,” a goat he met in Dupont […]

Originally Published 04/01/99 Bar: EvensWhere: 2222 J StreetCrowd: Really nice peopleGetting in: Strictly 21 year oldsPrices: Very reasonableFood: delicious gourmet itemsDancing: YesPick-ups: Only tactful onesPluses: Good-looking people, great music and tons of funMinuses: Absolutely nothing Close to campus, Evens provides the best entertainment for a night of fun with friends. At this bar, there are […]

GW’s in-house spinmeister Just Hopin’ (the Republicans will win the presidency) is graduating in just a few weeks, leaving MS Hatchet reporters wondering who will fill their stories with political mumbo-jumbo and Beltway jive. Hopin’ said he is doing a world-wide search for a replacement, “someone who will circumvent issues and hide behind humor like […]

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Freshman Sen. Unsheathed Hardon introduced a piece of legislation at Tuesday’s Make-Pretend Senate calling for all females in Thrustin’ Hell to go topless at least once a week. “See, this is all about equal rights and keeping it real,” Hardon said. “I think it is entirely unfair that I can be liberated enough to walk […]

Greek letters blazoned across broad chests(but mostly not-so-broad chests) – the eternal April fools.Budweiser, Lowenbrau and Rolling Rock, their only tools. Always a bastion of raunchy news –public drunkenness and debauchery.With frat boys, reporters NEVER lose. Lambda Chi Alpha tried to sell the pretty-boy bro in `99but, in the SA elections, he got burned by […]

Riot breaks out at Smith Center The usual evening overflow in the Smith Center work-out room turned violent last night as students began brawling over the use of stationary bikes. Observers said several female students became entangled in the melee, which began when one accused another of cutting in line for the much-coveted bikes. “Some […]

The recently opened GW Women’s Center is a pile of rubble today, after it collapsed Wednesday morning under the weight of its own self-importance. “It’s been on the brink of collapse for weeks,” said M. Power Edd, head of facilities at GW’s Mount Vernon campus. “I’m surprised it took this long.” The center’s limit was […]