April 1, 1999

Volume 95, Issue 59

Stories from the April 1, 1999 issue of the GW Hatchet.


Note from the degenerates who wrote this: Welcome to our annual April Fool’s issue. We hope it makes you laugh, love, learn and grow intellectually. Well, maybe not the last few. This is intended to be funny, not offend. Everything is written in jest. If you’ve had your sense of humor surgically removed (you know […]

Big George grows, starts fucking shit up

It turns out that GW’s newest mascot, Big George, is not as roly-poly and lovable as everyone thought. After growing to 50 times his original size, Big George turned evil Sunday afternoon and destroyed many parts of the downtown Washington, D.C., area. After wreaking havoc across GW’s campus, Big George, moved to the National Mall […]

Angry SEAS students destroy Tompkins Hall

Students from the School of Eggheads and Dateless Nerds demolished Tompkins Hall, the engineering school’s S&M facility, late Wednesday night. The roar of several strategically placed bombs awoke area residents – mostly homeless men drunk off of forties of Olde English – some time around 1:45 a.m. “I was watching Springer reruns when I heard […]

GW haz no skillz, nobody can slam in dunk contest

A much-anticipated slam dunk competition among some of the players on the GW men’s basketball team ended in a tie, as all of the competitors failed to dunk the ball. The spectacle at the Spit Center was quite a laugh for the GW fans who turned out to see the contest, as the players missed […]

Street gangs terrorize campus after elections

The streets of GW are burning this week as a slew of Student Association-fueled hate crimes have come in the wake of last Thursday’s elections. Roving street gangs have turned GW’s once safe and virtually Tab-free community into a war zone. Riots started immediately after the results were announced Thursday night as supporters of presidential […]

Games No One Cares About

B-BattleshipC-CandylandCNT-co-ed naked TwisterBHS-bald head shiningLH-loogie hockingTS-tobacco spittingPE-phlegm expectorating *In a vat of Jell-O Today: B at Navy-12 a.m. A few days from now: C at Florida St.CNT vs. Mount Vernon* Sometime next week: BHS at St. John’s Whenever: LH vs. Oklahoma St.TS at Virginia TechPE at Ohio St.

Sports Boxers

Hatchet reporter sold soul for basketball history knowledge The Hatchet sports writer who wrote the “History of GW Basketball” series sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the information, Lucifer said in a press conference in hell Tuesday. While many thought that Day Hore did all of his own research for the lengthy […]

GW denounces Republic of Venereal Disease

GW President Stinkin’ Tackyturd announced Monday at a press conference the decision to bomb the Republic of Venereal Diseases, a sovereign nation established by a couple of students with no friends last fall. What first began as a program recognized and celebrated by the Crazy Lazy Losers Center dissolved into a dissident group wanting only […]

GW Athletics Quiz

See if you bleed buff and blue. Test your GW sports IQ: 1. Round thing used in many GW sports (i.e. basket____). 2. The number “54” that GW point guard Shawnta Rogers wears has this relationship to his height. 3. GW crew teams use these to row their boats through the water. 4. GW head […]