April 1, 1999

Volume 95, Issue 59

Stories from the April 1, 1999 issue of the GW Hatchet.


Everyone knows the Simply Aggravating elections were a joke. The candidates were inept. The ones who lost would have done shitty; the ones who won also will do shitty. Actually they won’t do much of anything. (There will, however, be a “student rally” outside the Marvin Center next week protesting the lack of Orangina in […]

Rogers elected new Student Alienation prez

Just Enjoys Carelessness announced Tuesday that Swingin’ “Mr.” Rogers (hey, baby check out my Land of Make-Believe) won this year’s election for Student Alienation president. “We’re gonna make the SA mo’ bigger, mo’ stronger, mo’ better,” Rogers said. He then went back to standing under a J Street table. Rogers did not run a write-in […]

Who should we bomb today? – Staff editorial

We are always amazed at how much impact our editorials have on national and international issues. It seems that any time we tell another nation what they should do on a given issue, they listen to us. Just consider:  In the early 1940s, we warned the Japanese that if they carried out their expansionist […]

Choose your own fantastic frat adventure

Freshman I.B. Horney said he always fantasized about going Greek, ensconcing himself in Greek letters and preparing himself for daily beatings. “My senior year of high school was spent taking bong hits and keg stands. Ya know, for practice,” Horney said. But, after years of waiting, Horney has arrived at GW. He said he is […]

The SA rocks our world! – Staff editorial

This year, has been one of the most productive years ever for the Student Association. It has accomplished more this year than any other SA has ever even attempted to do. Students should be extremely impressed with the leadership exhibited by their elected leaders this year. The fact that those meanies in Rice Hall never […]


Note from the degenerates who wrote this: Welcome to our annual April Fool’s issue. We hope it makes you laugh, love, learn and grow intellectually. Well, maybe not the last few. This is intended to be funny, not offend. Everything is written in jest. If you’ve had your sense of humor surgically removed (you know […]

Big George grows, starts fucking shit up

It turns out that GW’s newest mascot, Big George, is not as roly-poly and lovable as everyone thought. After growing to 50 times his original size, Big George turned evil Sunday afternoon and destroyed many parts of the downtown Washington, D.C., area. After wreaking havoc across GW’s campus, Big George, moved to the National Mall […]

Angry SEAS students destroy Tompkins Hall

Students from the School of Eggheads and Dateless Nerds demolished Tompkins Hall, the engineering school’s S&M facility, late Wednesday night. The roar of several strategically placed bombs awoke area residents – mostly homeless men drunk off of forties of Olde English – some time around 1:45 a.m. “I was watching Springer reruns when I heard […]

GW haz no skillz, nobody can slam in dunk contest

A much-anticipated slam dunk competition among some of the players on the GW men’s basketball team ended in a tie, as all of the competitors failed to dunk the ball. The spectacle at the Spit Center was quite a laugh for the GW fans who turned out to see the contest, as the players missed […]

Street gangs terrorize campus after elections

The streets of GW are burning this week as a slew of Student Association-fueled hate crimes have come in the wake of last Thursday’s elections. Roving street gangs have turned GW’s once safe and virtually Tab-free community into a war zone. Riots started immediately after the results were announced Thursday night as supporters of presidential […]