April 2, 1998

Volume 94, Issue 33

Stories from the April 2, 1998 issue of the GW Hatchet.

House Mad Lib

GWobe Mad LibsThe University’s decision to ____________ (verb phrase) is incredibly short-sighted and ill-advised. It is difficult to believe that in this day and age, _____________ (administrator’s name) still does not understand students here are more than just ________ (noun). We are also _________ (noun). This decision is just further proof we attend a ________ […]

Baseball team wins four of five

Wins continued to pile up for the GW baseball team this week. The Colonials won two out of three games against Rhode Island last weekend, and then posted comeback wins over James Madison and Howard universities Tuesday and Wednesday. GW has won three games in a row and 13 of its last 15. The Colonials […]

The truth has finally come out

I have a confession to make. I lied about my house burning down. I lied in order to gain sympathy from my ex-girlfriend. I thought that if she felt enough pity for me in my time of tragedy and need, it would help us get back together. I mean, who wouldn’t want me. Just look […]

Grateful J Street employee thanks Trachtenberg for her new life in the States

Mariana Velazquez (name changed at administration’s request) was just 15 years old when her parents’ tranquil farm in El Salvador was sacked and burned by guerrilla forces. Her parents and younger brothers dead, Velazquez sat weeping in the charred ruins. “I prayed for salvation,” she remembers. “And when I looked up, there he was. I […]

A talk with an old love interest

Okay kiddies, I have given you, my faithful readers, several columns in which I have poured out my heart and soul, recounting a history of my foiled love attempts. This column will be no different, I shall tell you all about yet another relationship that crashed and burned long before it ever took off. Back […]

Kappa Smacka Slut president gets profound

Running around organizing her sorority isn’t easy on senior Kandy Hertzblaum. Especially in three-inch heels. But Hertzblaum braves blisters and bad hair days. As president and founder of Kappa Smacka Slut, she can barely catch her breath, let alone take a day off (even when D.C.’s intense humidity threatens to frizz her mane). “As the […]

Heat threatens to shut down campus computers

Air conditioning in campus buildings lumbered into operation Tuesday as campus computers came dangerously close to shutting down from the heat and students complained to University administrators about the unseasonably warm weather. Mike Briggs, a systems specialist at the law school, said the school’s mainframe computer came within five degrees of overheating Tuesday afternoon. “There […]

My attempt at Mideast understanding

I DIDN’T WRITE MONDAY’S COLUMN. Those Hatchet fools parodied me. However, this is a real COLUMN by me and it is all about bombings. This is serious stuff so if you want a laugh, go run naked through J Street. I recently read in the paper we were considering bombing Iraq before some commie African […]

Plans for new hospital boost staff morale

A year ago, GW Hospital was abuzz with talk of the University’s decision to establish a partnership with Universal Health Services Inc., one of the largest hospital management corporations in the country. Employees anxiously awaited news of their futures, and wondered how working conditions might change. They faced concerns about every aspect of work at […]