April 1, 1998

Volume 94, Issue 32

Stories from the April 1, 1998 issue of the GW Hatchet.

`Q’ forced work study to shave his hairy neck

Student Manipulation President Komingupand `Q’ Gulpendown forced a work study student to shave his neck, according to secretly-recorded audio tapes obtained by The GWobe. In the tapes, work study Moaning Loudly describes the strange relationship she had with Gulpendown. “He led me into his office and said he needed my help with something. We walked […]

Lies! Lies! Lies! MVC just a sham

GW President Students Don’t Mattermuch admitted yesterday that Mount Vernon College does not exist. “I just felt the need to be in The Washington Post,” Mattermuch said. According to Mike Beardman, director of defending the president and bringing random events to campus, the University successfully manipulated the Post into thinking the women’s campus existed. “We […]

SJT renames Smith Center after himself

Colonial Inauguration became a nightmare for a large class of incoming freshmen when University President Steven Jole Trachenburgh initiated a campus building renaming spree and poisoned protesting parents, according to recently surfacing reports. Parents wreaked havoc on stationary exercise bikes when Trachtenburgh announced his plan to rename the Smith Center the Trachtenburgh Complex. As a […]

Students fear fatalities at Commencement

Grassroots groups are uniting across campus to change the location of Commencement this May. Students are asking that graduation be held at the MCI Center as El Ni?o threatens to bring lightening storms, hurricanes and tornadoes to the East Coast in May. Members of the Student Committee Against El Ni?o and Graduation on the Ellipse […]

GWhat a GWonderful GWorld GWhen GWorking

Tokay Liquors is the newest off-campus partner to join the GWorld card program, Program Manager Wesell Tires announced today. “GWe are pleased that Tokay has agreed to join the program,” Tires said. “They’re a GWonderful establishment that really exists to serve students.” Tires said Tokay will be the first partner to use GW’s new system […]