Jewlius Crouton

April Fool’s Issue: Trach is “Client No. 8”

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. FBI documents obtained by The Hatchet revealed the prostitution ring which brought down the governor of New York also brought down former University President Stella Joke Trachtenomorejob. Identified as “Client No. 8,” Trachtenomorejob frequented the President’s Club VIP on GW’s dime. […]

April Fools’ Issue: GW disengages from FB; $JT in coma

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. After decades of terrorist attacks from the Dying Geezers Association, GW completed its unilateral disengagement from the Western Strip of campus Wednesday morning. Later that day, University President Stealin’ Your Trachtenbucks fell into a coma on the way back to campus […]

April Fools’ Issue: University V.P. shoots donor in the face

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. GW Vice President Bab Cherney accidentally shot and wounded a wealthy donor of the University in the face during a hippopotamus hunting trip along the Potomac Saturday afternoon. After 45 minutes on hold with Undersized Penis officers, an EMeRG vehicle was […]

April Fools’ Issue: Hurricane Shaniqua irony: blacks saved, Jews screwed

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. A half-year after Hurricane Katrina’s devastation in the Gulf, a new disaster has taken the country by storm, this time striking the nation’s capital. Hurricane Shaniqua struck Washington over the weekend, causing the Potomac River to overflow, reaching GW’s campus early […]

April Fools’ Issue: WMDs at package services

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue. One of President Bush’s myriad causes for war in Iraq finally panned out after the now-occupied country’s infamous weapons of mass destruction surfaced Wednesday afternoon at GW’s package center. Long thought to be hidden in Iraqi bunkers or terrorist encampments in […]