Ben Hart

Column: Goodbye GW

Rummaging through my mailbox last week, I almost missed an envelope wedged between a Victoria’s Secret catalog and my new edition of Gambling Debt Monthly (this month: “Never Mess With the Russians”). The return address listed none other than Stephen Joel Trachtenberg. Inside, on yellow polka-dotted stationery, was a beautifully handwritten note. It read as […]

Column: Hart Murmurs: One last job

Note to Reader: Here follows a brief explanation of the extended absence of “Hart Murmurs” from this newspaper: I relocated to Grand Forks, N. D., after the stress of writing an extremely sporadic humor column combined with last year’s devastating Red Sox playoff loss put me in the emergency ward one too many times. I […]

Column: SJT and the hurricane conspiracy

It’s been ten days since Hurricane Isabel roared into Washington like … a glorified rainstorm with some gusty winds. I do not want to have to remind anyone of that traumatic Thursday when the world stopped, but it’s my job to report the facts. And the fact is that your president and mine, Stephen Joel […]

Column: Convincing foreigners America ain’t bad

BARCELONA, Spain – When we left off, our muckraking hero had volunteered to do what no other GW Hatchet columnist dared – convert the image of the United States abroad back to the soft, cuddly teddy bear it had been in the days of Truman and Eisenhower. It wouldn’t be easy, but nothing about being […]

Column: Don’t you know there’s a war on?

BARCELONA, Spain – I was sipping tequila from Penelope Cruz’s navel when my signature “Born To Be Wild” custom cell phone ring screamed from my jeans pocket. “Is that the bad men who want to kill you?” cooed Cruz, her face a picture of wanting uncertainty, if there exists such a thing. “Come on, you […]

Humor column: W stops by for grilled cheese

Nine p.m. Tuesday, Nov. 5, I was so engrossed in my baby chemistry notes it slipped my mind that Joe and Jill Q. Uninformed were deciding this country’s future in voting booths across the country. Flipping on CNN Headline News, I drummed my fingers to a salsa beat as I waited for a pressing story […]

Humor column: I guess today was a good day

It began as a typical enough Tuesday night. I had been up 38 straight hours studying for the day’s exams and was enjoying a soothing World Series baseball game made even better than usual by the lack of sleep, which was causing me to hallucinate that the Red Sox and Giants were battling it out […]

Humor column: A day with our President

When we left off, our disillusioned protagonist had endured an unpleasant experience at the parking office. He wondered aloud whether the cliched “rip-off” complaints about GW were true, only to be admonished as a whippersnapper by GW President Stephen Joel Trachtenberg, who happened to be crouching behind an adjacent tree at the time. “You’re that […]

Humor column: The saga of old Bessie

When I first contemplated bringing my car, Old Bessie, down to Washington for the semester, I was eating lunch with Jennifer Aniston at the summer estate in Lexington, Mass. (I had a red roasted partridge and a Tom Collins, while Jennifer went for the escargot with herb french fries and a scotch and soda). “Jenny,” […]

Hart murmurs: Making something happen here

It all started on a warm April day in those innocent days of 2000, when movie tickets cost $9.00 and Marc Rich was just a twinkle in Bill Clinton’s eye. I was frolicking in my backyard Jacuzzi in Lexington, Mass., with Ashley Judd and Natalie Portman. As I politely asked Ashley to pass the Courvosier […]