Essay: Swiping through the District

I took the hour trek out to the University of Maryland once before. But I won’t do it again.

It’s an easy fix – I just have to cut College Park, Md. out of my Bumble range. I’m at about 10 miles right now and that should do the trick. The District can’t be that big, it isn’t even a state.

I’ll try five. Shoot. That cuts out American University. I can’t just talk to people from GW because I could run into them on the street. I’ll have to expand.

Eight miles. It seems like the perfect compromise, let’s see if it pays off. Now I caught the edge of College Park. That’s not too bad. Maybe someone there will want to come here. Why wouldn’t someone going to school in Maryland want to make the short trip to the nation’s capital? Oh, really?

OK, never mind then. Apparently, the hour commute might just be too far for all of us.

Back to the drawing board. Seven miles ought to do it. GW, American, Catholic and Howard universities are now included. I’ll just swipe away.

It’s only been a few hours. There is no way I swiped through every profile in this city. There are about 7 million people in the District’s metropolitan area, so there must be more profiles.

I guess I’ll resort to meeting someone the old fashioned way. Tinder it is.

OK, this is getting outrageous. I will spend $120 on a textbook I will never crack open, but I’m not spending money on more swipes.

I’m done with Tinder. Bumble wasn’t too bad anyway – I just have to be patient waiting for women to message me. Not the worst thing in the world. I’ll go to class and check back later.

This professor has been droning on forever. It must be almost time to go. I’ll sneakily check the time on my phone under the desk and check Bumble while I’m at it.

Nothing. Back to 10 miles, I suppose. Ah perfect, thousands of more profiles.

I guess an hour on the Metro isn’t that bad. I’ll just take an Uber.

Kiran Hoeffner-Shah, a sophomore double-majoring in political science and psychology, is The Hatchet’s contributing opinions editor.

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