Slice of Life: Sidelined for the District’s first post-legalization 4/20

This is the story of a friend – a former pothead on the biggest cannabis holiday of the year.

Actually, this is a story of a genuine pothead who, due to the possibility of a drug test and a job offer, is being forced to sit on the sidelines during the first 4/20 since D.C. legalized the possession of up to two ounces of marijuana for people 21 and older. Even though his name isn’t Hyde, we’ll refer to him as such in homage to television’s greatest stoner of all time.

Hyde is the type of person who lives for April 20. He buys a quarter just for himself. He makes sure his debit card has enough money on it for Nando’s and Shake Shack. He ensures that his one roommate, who doesn’t like it when he smokes in the room, knows that he will be hot-boxing the bathroom no fewer than five times over the course of the day.

And because even countercultures have rules, he sets his alarm for 4:15 a.m. to commence the day’s loafing about.

But not this year. With graduation looming, Hyde has been left to struggle with a condition known as FOMO, or fear of missing out.

It’s not just his no-blunt policy that’s fueling his fear of missing out, but the knowledge that he’s missing out on the smoking culture. His 4/20s of yore consisted of more than just double-decker peanut butter sandwiches and the National Geographic Channel: April 20 brings all stoners out of the woodwork to celebrate their expanded appetites and penchants to giggle together.

The principle of the day is “have weed, will travel.” In the past, Hyde trekked to the roofs of apartment buildings, to the rooms of old flings and onto the couches of the girls who lived in his freshman-year residence hall.

To combat his severe case of FOMO on this hazy Monday, Hyde would like every stoner he knows to “please leave [him] the [expletive] alone.”

But that will be nearly impossible. He lives in a room of stoners. He lives in a building of stoners.

Knowing that there will be so many high people around him on Monday has led him down a different path, one that will be out of his system in three to five days.

He’s looking to get his hands on some ‘shrooms.

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