Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The Majorly Poopy Department charged University President Jock Strapp this week with arson after an investigation revealed he burned down the $275 million Science and Engineering Hall.
In a statement, Strapp admitted to setting the building on fire to score the insurance as a potential way to pay off the building’s debt. The debt disaster has plagued the University for the past several years, and before the incident, officials had yet to really figure out how to pay off the building.
The arrest follows a month-long investigation into the blaze that threatened nearby luxury residence Fulbright Hall and completely destroyed the University’s most recent waste of money. No damage to whatever the fuck Porkfish is was reported.
“We believe President Strapp himself burned the building down. He must have realized it’s a total waste of space,” an MPD officer whispered on the scene. MPD officers are, of course, not allowed to talk to the media, but he thought if he said it quietly enough maybe people wouldn’t notice.
Strapp claimed to have been shopping for luxury paper goods and bougie candles in Georgetown, and said he returned after the building was already in flames.
“Getting paid so much money to pretend to do this job is hard,” Strapp said. “Even I need a break every now and then.”
This is the latest in a string of high-profile scams on campus. Around the time construction started for GW’s newest dorm, Provost Merman claimed his mustache had been damaged in a front-end collision with a microphone and received $2.6 million in damages, but was later spotted taking the well-groomed mustache to SoulCycle.
In 2005, Chief Money Man Luscious Lou told officials that his reading glasses had been stolen, but a three-month investigation later revealed that they were tucked into his jacket pocket.
Strapp was on scene to show UPD officers around and seemed to sob uncontrollably over the loss of open collaboration spaces, high-tech labs and ridiculously shaped furniture, according to an MPD report.
“It’s amazing what a lot of debt can make a person do,” said a gray-haired professor who is a member of the University’s Faculty Senate. He seemed to forget that he was speaking to student reporters with thousands of dollars of debt themselves. He declined to provide his name, saying he felt shy after being quoted in The Hatchet Job several times a week.
The investigation also found that Strapp had packed the building with artwork from the Corcoran as well as flammable textiles from the Textile Museum – items from two of the University’s other magnificent wastes of space.
Strapp will appear in court later this month. Because he has residences in Ankara, Beijing and Dubai, a federal judge has refused Strapp’s bail, calling him a possible flight risk.