University to launch rocket ship for research after everything else fails

Media Credit: Camera Lenscapster | Just Another Overly-Sensitive, "Socially-Liberal-but-Fiscally-Conservative" GW Student

Officials will launch a rocket ship to the Moon, part of an effort to propel research on campus. How exactly that will help, they declined to say.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The University has hatched a new plot to burn extra cash and hopefully get research money, maybe.

Vice President for Science Experiments Chuy Chimichanga announced in a faculty snoozefest Tuesday that GW will launch a “Rocket Ship for Research” to the Moon next year.

Chimichanga declined to say how much the rocket ship would cost, how it would increase research at GW, why officials decided to build the rocket ship, who thought of the idea, how long the trip to the Moon would last or exactly why officials thought the plan seemed logical in the first place.

“I really like metallic silver, so I think it looks nice,” Chimichanga said. “Plus, this will show the entire galaxy that really super great things are happening at GW. I think it will pull in researchers.”

The rocket ship comes after the University just poured $275 million into a new state-of-the-art building for science projects and animal testing, which opened earlier this year. Coincidentally, the building is also outfitted in metallic silver.

Several science fair participants, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they didn’t want anyone to know they talk to an organization as lame as The Hatchet Job, said that the building has not actually motivated them to participate in more competitions. They say the building is so over-the-top and luxurious that they spend their days napping under its green leaves and spinning in its chairs.

But Michael Mastermind, a professor of engineering that sounds complicated and a top performer in national science fairs every year, pointed out a major flaw in the University’s plan.

“Who is going to pilot the rocket ship? My office is so close to Whole Foods now that we have this new building that I don’t want to leave,” Mastermind said.

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