Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
It’s over. This is it.
Say goodbye to those polished, glossy letters naming random old men, ex-cons and racists on the buildings across campus.
The University has ended its really big, super-glitzy fundraising explosion halfway through because all the rich peeps took back their naming gifts for buildings and conference rooms after deciding that they didn’t really want to associate themselves with GW anymore.
Mark Bankman, a wealthy businessman who dropped $5 million last spring to name one of the University’s dorms, said he decided to take his name off because it “was just what everyone else was doing.”
Bankman also said that after he donated the $5 million, which is about the amount he keeps in his suit pocket, he realized the dorm was “actually a total dump.”
“Initially, I thought this building was worth my name. But I bet it’s worth basically nothing at all,” he said. “And then all my friends decided they’d rather give money to a better school – so I followed suit.”
The University’s vice president schmoozer, who oversees the fundraising explosion and all related schmoozefests and booze cruises, said the loss is “a big bummer.”
“It’s a real downer,” the schmoozer said. “We spent a lot of money last summer to launch the campaign on a dope-ass boat, and now all we have left is the boat.”
The University has pretty much always been bad at getting alumni to donate after graduation because they are paying off student loans forever. That’s a huge fucking deal because now once the fancy rich people stop giving money, officials say it will be basically impossible to convince anyone else.