Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Though selling weed is still illegal in D.C., a Hatchet Job investigation reveals that a quietly rolled-out task force has begun unloading 100 pounds of weed a week to make up for the massive budget cuts hitting campus.
The bulk of the product is being sold to students. University President Jock Strapp, a bohemian who plays the bongos and likes reading poetry with his dog, Lays, confirmed the reports this week — setting the stage for a showdown between his Cabinet of Babysitters and the Majorly Poopy Department.
“Dude, you know, I’m just trying to make everyone happy and get high along the way,” Strapp said as he was lighting up a fat joint rolled with brown papers. D.C. residents can now officially smoke and grow marijuana in the privacy of their own homes.
Fifty-percent slashes to budgets across campus have forced officials to cut all required classes, shutter buildings, lay off more than 100 faculty and do away with the Student Disorganization. That means the 1,000 student groups on campus can’t have fun because they haven’t been allocated money.
Students, faculty and alumni have begun hinting that pitchforks could soon make an appearance in Foggy Bottom.
Strapp’s task force was secretly named The Gang That Raises High on F Street. Every night, between 10:30 p.m. and 2 a.m., the team would run to their posts. Strapp confirmed that the most lucrative locations were Thirsty Hall, Frat Row and Junk Bond Tower.
Deep Throater, an official who’s close to Strapp, said a few weeks ago Strapp began asking those closest to him to go out and reportedly “hold down the corners” on the busiest sidewalks of campus and push the drugs in an effort to pad the University’s revenue stream. They had to take a secret oath while hooded and drink from the same buff-and-blue chalice.
“He just thinks he can solve all of the University’s problems with weed. I keep telling him, ‘Man, this isn’t Berkley anymore,” Throater said.
The Hatchet Job investigation found that the green rooftops — an idea from the Office of Making the Environment Happy’s green, carbon, hippie footprint document — actually wouldn’t grow food for the overly expensive dining options on campus. They were called “green roofs” because of the weed, which experts say is a strong public relations move.
Strapp has also been seen sneaking onto the roofs to secure some ganja for himself, according to a Hatchet Job stakeout that lasted a whole semester.
If the rate of sales increases by 5 percent every month for the next 20 years, the University will be able to dig itself out of its debt hole, which is almost deep enough to reach China, according to a document of projections obtained by The Hatchet Job.
But Throater said he doesn’t believe the report. He pointed to declining graduate student enrollment for the past several years, the $13 million a former business school dean overspent and the inability of the University to pay for the $275 million Science and Engineering Hall’s construction as reasons to not believe the numbers.
A group of wild and outrageous Faculty Senate tenured professors are decrying the decision, but blame Chair of the Board of Overlords Nellie Carbonara for bullying Strapp into carrying out the scheme.
“Carbonara is breaking the faculty code and his bullying won’t get past me. I’m preparing for a showdown,” the slightly off-his-rocker, tenured and gray-haired professor said.