Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
He’s posing next to a cardboard cutout of the president and wearing a suit. You’ve seen that suit before — you’re pretty sure he wears it to class sometimes, just because. School of Global Concerns? Yes. Interning for his congressman on the Hill? Yes. Plotting his next Student Disorganization campaign? Of course. He’s ready for Hillary and also a good time, but only if you can drag him away from C-SPAN. Swipe right.
Chances are, you already met him in a beer-soaked basement the first week of freshman year. He’s wearing salmon-colored shorts and Sperry Top-Siders. He’s cute, irreverent and oozing Fratagonia. Cropped out of his pro pic? A 12-pack of Natty and his little. He’s just a single gazelle in a Vineyard Vines herd but, hey, now you’ll have one more answer the next time you’re asked, “Who do you know here?” Swipe right.
The former flame
This was bound to happen sooner or later. Besides waving half-heartedly as you pass each other on the street, you haven’t spoken since that final tryst after Spring Flop last year. He was an overenthusiastic Snapchatter, was kind of sloppy and snored. But he’s still cute. And you wonder if he still thinks the same about you. Swipe right.
He’s on the crew team, is dressed impeccably, is totally hot and – wait, what’s this? “Hoyas Class of 2017.” So he doesn’t even go here. But who cares? Georgetown admissions might have spurned you during your senior year of high school, but you knew what you were doing when you set your discover preferences to a six-mile radius. And maybe when you go over to his place you’ll finally figure out what this “Lau” thing is that everyone talks about on Yik Yak. Swipe right.
The guy from lecture
Your 12:45 p.m. microeconomics lecture is hardly the place you thought you’d meet the next great love of your life. You swear you weren’t imagining an intense connection when you accidentally made eye contact with him while handing in your midterm exam. It must be a sign: His profile picture is glowing on the screen in front of you. There’s only one thing left to do. Swipe right.