Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
As The Hatchet Job’s manifesto board, we weigh in on salient campus issues.
We report and research a given topic, and produce a well-thought-out staff manifesto as a product of lively debate.
Other times, though, we have feelings. Thoughts and feelings. Feelings that come from our diverse array of upbringings in suburban New Jersey. Our emotions are important and confirmed when we meet over green tea in our echo chamber, sit on floor cushions and listen to Enya.
We’re not saying that we have a problem with things – though we’re not NOT saying that. But over the last few months, we’ve restricted our writing to so-called “important” topics. And we’re sick and tired of it.
So we’re letting people know what we really think, and think about. As gatekeepers in the media, we’re opening the floodgates. We’re going to write about everything now.
Like, we think Kim Kardashian is an American hero, and we don’t care what you think. After all, she did turn a sex tape into an empire. Also, the dress was white and gold, people. We don’t care that you found the real one in a catalogue. (Manifesto board member and doodle editor Sofree McQueer recuses herself from this statement.)
And we’re seriously just stressed about One Direction right now. Also, are we really ready for Hillary?
As Colonials, we need to get loud and band together for the sake of our campus community to solve these issues.
Like, can ANYONE just let us live?
We don’t necessarily have any concrete plans in mind for how to solve these many problems, and it’s impossible to tell how much they’ll cost. But whatever it may be, it’s a cost worth footing. We support this initiative because we woke up this morning and decided that people needed to hear what we had to say.
The editorial board is composed of Hatchet Job staff members and operates sometimes. This week’s piece was written by echo chamber editor Rubbalubba Dingdong and contributing echo chamber editor Pair A. BlueJeans, based on boozy discussions with secretary Crostini Pellegrino, game theorist Slayanora, doodle editor Sofree McQueer, head nerd in charge Raquel de la Guerra and doodle assistant Zayn LaSpain.