School Without a Cafeteria takes over admissions office

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The admissions office outsourced its application reading process this year – to local public school students learning how to calculate probability.

A math class at the School Without a Cafeteria made the trek to Quinoa Hall once a week throughout the winter to select which applicants would be accepted to the University. Rather than reviewing the applications holistically, the mathematicians-in-training determined whether a student would be admitted based on a coin flip.

The student was accepted if it landed on heads and rejected if it landed on tails. The change led to GW’s highest acceptance rate in recent history.

“It was a really great way to learn probability,” said one student, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he was afraid of retribution from rejected students. “I feel so important having contributed to GW. I can’t believe I got to choose its freshman class.”

Provost Merman said GW would continue to partner with the School Without a Cafeteria to accept students in the future, since it’s a way to save money while promoting education for local children.

“We really wanted to give these kids the best introduction to probability,” Merman said. “This is a great new partnership with the School Without a Cafeteria. Plus, its another easy way to make budget cuts.”

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