Reader’s note: This piece is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Indecent Exposure

A Hatchet news editor was found indecently exposing her sources to a University staff member behind Potomac Hall.

Subject laughed at.

Destruction

The Universally Pathetic Department detained a student after he literally pooped all over campus.

No known defecator.

Theft

The Majorly Poopy Department stopped three female students who were taking rugs from the Textile Museum to decorate their Thirsty Hall dorm room.

Future interior decorators arrested.

Indecent Exposure

Lays the dog was referred to Students’ Lefts and Irresponsibilities after trying to fornicate on a new George Washington bench statue.

Subject neutered.