Commencement speaker to open apple store

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Apple’s chief executive officer and this year’s Commencement speaker Tim Cook is bringing apple products to campus.

No, not computers. An apple store will open on campus in March 2016. The store will serve McIntosh apples sourced from an orchard in Virginia.

Cook will skip teaching a course at the University and delve right into replacing Porkfish on the corner of 22nd and I streets. The new store will specialize in slow-fancy cuisine with an apple base, apple sides and a variety of apple sauces.

Apple oracles, experts who wear lanyards and are required to grow beards, will seat students using iPads.

In light of the scurvy outbreak on campus this year, administrators have been looking for a way to bolster student well-being. Cook said he hopes the store will bring students more Macs and promote dental health.

To ensure the apples’ ripeness all year round, Cook replaced the plants in the Science and Engineering Hall with McIntosh apple trees. He’s also working with faculty to keep the fruit fit to serve.

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