Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The baseball team showed up to Barcroft Park clean shaven over the weekend after sophomore shortstop Kev Mahalo was arrested in Virginia earlier in the week because police mistook him for a man wanted for organizing a ring of meth labs in the state.
“In the beginning, it was to build character,” head coach Get Richie said. “But the guys started to scare away people’s dogs, then kids. When Kev got dragged in and spent a night in the clink, that was the last straw.”
Officer Rachel Profilyn said she saw Mahalo “loitering around a field” way, way out in Arlington on Thursday, and that he was a “perfect match” for Walter Off-White, who has been wanted in Virginia since 2006.
Mahalo said Profilyn ran him down in the parking lot and handcuffed him. Mahalo was unable to convince Profilyn that he was innocent when questioned.
“She asked me why anyone in their right mind would ever think of having people play baseball all the way, way, way out in Arlington where no one could get there, and I couldn’t think of a good answer, so she arrested me,” Mahalo said.
After Richie had to bail Mahalo out of jail, he called the players, order them to shave.
“I guess they were just too manly,” Richie said. “Turns out people fear the beard too much.”