Whole Foods unveils amnesty program for stolen goods

Lines are out the door at Whole Foods – but this time it’s not for the check-out registers.

Whole Foods unveiled its first-ever Amnesty Day last week for its sticky-fingered patrons looking to make amends. Hundreds of GW students lined up on I Street to return various items they had lifted from the store Monday without paying, during the store’s day of no retributions.

“After extensive studies, we’ve come to the conclusion that dips in our revenue have come from our floorplan which makes it incredibly easy to just pick up things and leave,” Whole Foods manager Ihadit Comin said, adding, “Yeah, guess we shouldn’t have gone with that discount contractor during our register redesign last year.”

Students, many of whom donned hats and glasses to avoid being recognized, waited in lines that wrapped around the block for an average of 45 minutes to clear their consciences. One student wore a Georgetown University sweatshirt to “throw them off his trail” while he returned a half-eaten slice of pizza he lifted during a drunken escapade the previous night.

“Also, like, fuck Georgetown,” he said, shouting, “Go Hoyas!” as a manager walked by to “keep his look authentic.”

Though most waited in line with cardboard boxes from things they grabbed from the hot bar, one student held a pie and bowed her head in remorse.

“Two bites into my first slice, the delicious apple started to taste less like cinnamon and more like shame,” she said.

Not all those who came out seemed so embarrassed about their small misdemeanor – many laughed and chatted about their wild tales of nearly being caught, and a chant of “Whole Foods, stole foods!” became so loud at one point a manager had to politely request the Colonial Army to simmer down. The group argued they were just there to contribute to “the strongest turnout for school spirit they’ve seen since the basketball team made it big.”

Perhaps the evening’s biggest gaffe was that it was held during prime dinner hours, and many grumbled that they’d have to wait on another long line to pay for the meals they anticipated buying after returning their stolen goods.

“Honestly, I got so hungry waiting in line I had my friend hold my half-eaten bag of tortilla chips so I could go and grab some cookies, but the line to pay was a clusterfuck again so I figured I’d just do an IOU and bring the crumbs back next year,” she said.

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