University buys, rebrands #OnlyAtGWDeli

Media Credit: Brittany "Hide Yo' Kids' Gellerman

GW will buy the GW Deli.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Facing lagging revenue, administrators announced the University’s acquisition of the GW Deli, citing its potential as a cash-generating resource.

“Our acquisition of the Deli falls in line with our plan to shore up our financial resources by ruining everything students love,” spokesman Mouthpiece McGee said in an interview. “After getting rid of the Hippodrome, Chick-fil-A and nearly all elements of students’ freedom, our next natural target was the deli.”

“The consistent lines out the door every morning really signaled to us that this was a resource that we could ruin for our own purposes.”

In keeping with the University’s current marketing plan, the delicatessen has been renamed the #OnlyAtGWDeli and features the slogan #BaconEggAndCheeseHappensHere.

“Additionally, we’re excited to debut some new GW-themed menu items that students will love, including the G-Dub Club, the @GWPitaK Wrap, and the Raise High on Rye.”

In the wake of the deli’s takeover, the University has attempted to reassure students that their favorites menu items will remain available, albeit with a new pair of hands behind the counter.

“We understand students may be concerned by the change in ownership,” McGee said. “But we’re proud to entrust the management of the #OnlyAtGWDeli in the capable hands of Sadexo, a food vendor that GW students know and love.”

“Unfortunately, that also means we had to fire Hot Deli Boy,” he added.

At press time, students had begun rioting.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.