The hidden cost of student hookups

Media Credit: Camera Lenscapster | A Fine Pilsner

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Administrators believe they have found the perfect way to save campus dining and dating culture.

Starting next fall, underclassmen will be required to sign up for dates at restaurants across the city where they can use their GWorld, helping carve away at the University’s debt load – and lack of campus courtship – with every swipe.

The move comes after a survey by the Center for Slut Engagement found that just 14 percent of students have been asked on a date in college. GW is also a billion dollars in debt after a campuswide development boom.

The office’s founding director, Miller Lite, said the mandatory program will also prop up dozens of small business – that are not Whole Foods – around campus.

“We can totally brand this as community building. They won’t realize it until it’s too late!” Miller Time whispered audibly to a Thurston Hall house staff member.

Officials said the dates can take place in the shops in Ivory Tower and 2000 Penn as well J Street, though administrators acknowledged that they didn’t realistically expect any budding relationships to begin there.

Top administrators immediately agreed to the plan, and multiple staff members in the room said they heard Executive Vice President and Treasurer Louie Cats screamed out, “At last!”

Nancy Haagen-Dazs, who runs the University’s fraudulent food operation, has for years plotted new ways to raise cash to supplement her plan to take over the Marvin Castle.

In an email to Miller Lite, which was obtained by The Butter Knife, she wrote: “You’ve just earned your place in the cabinet of my future kingdom. With the GWorld operation as our foundation, we’ll be unstoppable.”

The pair then began plotting an event called “Win a Date With Hot Deli Boy,” with the first bid coming from Tools Club president Julia So-Sue-Me.

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