Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

This writer is the former chairman of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC

So, I heard recently that GW decided to blur the ethical lines in its fundraising campaign, taking $80 million from Michael Milken, a white collar crime convict.

Six counts of securities fraud? Classic Milken.

Well, now that GW has its fundraising foot in the door of questionable integrity (sorry, I make money, not metaphors) there’s a great fundraising scheme that GW needs to consider.

First, you have to begin by building up GW’s image. Rebrand the entire University. It’ll take a while, but believe me, it’ll pay off.

Start an advertising campaign that shows GW as a totally unique experience. Make it look as though it is the only college in D.C., and try to ignore as much as possible the significantly better one just down the street.

Put pictures of the White House and the Capitol building all over campus, so that when high school seniors visit campus it’ll seem like they’ll be able to work for the government after they graduate. Slap a Capitol on the side of the library! I don’t know why that sounds enticing, but it’ll work.

When families come to information sessions, tell them you don’t pay any attention to income when you’re admitting students. But actually definitely pay attention to that, obviously.

When students decide to matriculate, distract from any administrative incompetence by building your organization as much as you possibly can. Accept a whole yachtload of students. Maybe even consider expanding to China.

The key is getting students to enroll, and pay up. Keep up the lie for four years, and that’s money in the bank. Give a whole bunch to administrators to roll around in. And once the students graduate, give them a website that is only marginally helpful in finding a job. That maintains the illusion that there’s a return on investment.

It’ll work. I promise.

Sincerely,
Bernie Madoff