Joseph Kony takes ownership of Cone E. Island

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The popular ice cream shop Cone E. Island, which served its last scoop March 31, will soon reopen under new management.

Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army and murderer of an estimated 10,000 people, has purchased the scoop shop located in 2000 Penn.

“It seemed like a great way to get involved with the community,” the controversial African warlord said in a Butter Knife interview. “Plus I have great ties with the GW administration.”

The purchase will allow Kony to test his innovative business model that nonprofits and government agencies have copied across the city with their unpaid interns: not paying his employees a single dime. Kony’s hundreds of child slaves will work the froyo machines, set the shop’s playlists and refill the toppings boxes.

“After 18 hours of hard work in battle for Kony, he’d usually reward us with an ice cream cone,” said a former child soldier, who requested anonymity. “This will be a nice vertical career move, even though no one else will get paid.”

Kony admitted he has long desired to open a dessert shop, but leadership of his 5,000-child army has kept him from fulfilling his dream. “When I heard that there was this cool ice cream shop in Foggy Bottom, and it already sounded like my name, I knew this was God’s way of telling me to go for it.”

Kony hopes to reinvigorate the store into a fun, family-oriented destination for people in the neighborhood. The 52-year-old father of upwards of 42 children is working on several new flavors that he hopes will “give people insight into my life’s many passions, besides destroying the Ugandan government.”

New flavors include “Guerilla Banana Chunk,” “Rocky Roadside Bomb” and “Blood Diamond Cherry.”

“I’m so excited for people to try them,” he giggled with childlike innocence.

Some students are torn about the move. Peter Calipri, president of the Progressive Student Alliance, said while he is thrilled the ice cream shop will remain open, he is uneasy about the African warlord coming to campus.

Kony has assured his private army of enslaved child soldiers and legion of fanatic lieutenants that his investment in the ice cream shop will not take away from his involvement in the Lord’s Resistance Army or its mission to eradicate all non-believers across the African continent.

“At first, yes, I will have to spend more time in the shop. But I hope to employ some wonderful GW students to help out.”

Kony has said some of the proceeds from the ice cream store will fund his long, protracted wars against the innocent people of sub-Saharan Africa.

Kony Island will reopen by next semester, with later plans to team up with Captain Cookie as “Kaptain Kony”, which Kony hopes will “attract the children” to his store.

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