Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The University revealed Friday that it has been misrepresenting its namesake as George Washington, the first president of the United States, for over a century.
University President Stephen Klapp acknowledged that GW was in fact renamed in 1904, as a tribute to scientist George Washington Carver.
Klapp has created a task force to investigate how the University was named George Washington Carver University before the renowned researcher was even that famous.
“We are not sure how this error could have been miscommunicated unnoticed for so many years, but we are looking into the root causes of the miscommunication,” Klapp said in a statement. “I speak for myself and the entire administration when I say that George Washington Carver was a great man and a true innovator, and we are excited about our University’s new identity.”
Sources close to the president’s office said Klapp would likely blame former admissions dean Kathy Napsack for the misstep. “How convenient,” the source said.
Born in Missouri in 1864, Carver was a successful scientist, botanist, educator and inventor – one of his most noteworthy accomplishments was the creation of peanut butter. Time magazine recognized him as a “Black Leonardo” in 1941, according to his Wikipedia page.
Klapp said the true namesake is still an appropriate match with GW’s core values of education and spreadable meat substitutes. He said the University will not be renamed “The George Washington Carver University” because it is just too many syllables.
The University will also add peanut-tasting stations in front of each residence hall and academic building on the Foggy Bottom Campus to honor Washington Carver. To appease students and faculty with peanut allergies, the Mount Vernon Campus will be renamed the Mount Vernon Peanut-free Campus.
Michael Lessberger, vice president for lack of development and alumni apathy, said the Colonial mascot will be phased out over the next few weeks and replaced with something that works better with two slices of Wonder Bread and strawberry jelly.
“We’re not too upset about it because quite frankly, our current mascot looks like an even scarier version of the Burger King guy,” Lessberger said.
Administrators have seemingly spread themselves too thin with keeping other secrets from the student body, they will be accepting suggestions for the new mascot through the end of the month.
So far, the top submissions are a jar of peanut butter, a peanut, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a dancing clitoris.