April Fools’ Issue: Without blueprints, construction halts

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Zoning officials this week deemed GW’s massive science and engineering building structurally unsound, and construction workers are blaming the University for refusing to print a blueprint.

The city’s chief building inspector found multiple defects in the Science and Engineering Hall after it was completed last week, including a shaky foundation that indicated an imminent collapse.

The company leading the project, Klark Konstruction, said crews could not recall details – including where to lay the walls and how many stories to build – because University officials banned workers from writing down specific parts of the plan.

GW has followed a pattern of failing to write reports and plans since the school admitted it flubbed admissions data in November and hired a firm to conduct an audit. But that audit was never written down and administrators only received an oral report from investigators.

Administrators, including GW’s top development officer Ah GiveMeANight, gave an oral report of the building’s plans at a closed-down zoning meeting in fall 2010. Multiple city and GW officials said the University did not present written documentation of any kind.

“I’m pretty sure the final building is entirely different than what GW originally proposed,” Bob Builder said.

When asked why the blueprints were never put into writing, Babysitter #1 said, “We are ignoring your request. Please do not expect an answer before your deadline.”

The $275 million building, meant to boost the University’s research profile, is GW’s most expensive and pointless to date.

University President Power Napp said last month that he doesn’t think the “super shiny” building will improve the quality of GW’s science and engineering students. But multiple administrators, including Napp, said it would make a “stellar new stop” on the prospective student tour route.

Junior Skippy Magoo said he was extremely frustrated to hear the project’s construction had been halted, and would be demanding answers.

The political science major said he didn’t care about taking classes in the building, but cited the severe personal stress he endured from the twice-daily blastings near his dorm room.

“What the hell were they blowing up if they didn’t know what they were doing?!” Magoo said.

In addition to causing early-morning earthquakes, the project also hiked up tuition and caused bickering among the handful of science-related departments at GW.

More than a dozen faculty members declined to comment for this story because they’re too busy not doing research to answer phone calls or emails.

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