April Fools’ Issue: University to give only oral

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The University announced Monday that it would cease recording transcripts and instead only give students oral reports of their academic progress.

Administrators concluded a recordless system is best after it tasked a firm to audit botched admissions data nearly six months ago, but received no formal written report of the investigation.

“If it worked then, it’ll work now,” University President Power Napp said. “What can a written report tell you that we can’t say to you?”

Shortly after administrators announced they screwed up the numbers, the college rankings gods at U.S. News & World Report tossed GW off their list.

Napp said students likely wouldn’t need to send formal reports of their academic reputations to outside schools or employers because “nobody expects that from an unranked institution anyway.”

He shot back against experts’ statements that called the lack of written reports unusual.

“We are holding ourselves to this standard across the University. From now on, nobody will write any plans down. In fact, our 10-year strategic plan will be an oral report,” Napp said. “That thing will cost us like $300 million. We’re bound to miss some stuff, and if you don’t write it down, it’s like it didn’t happen.”

Cutting all written reports will also reduce waste, a top goal in the University’s tree-hugging hippie plan.

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