April Fools’ Issue: SA lobbies University to put strippers on GWorld

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Weeks after winning the election with a primary agenda of getting Trader Joe’s on GWorld, incoming Self-important Association president Julia SoSueMe announced she has lobbied the university to add local strip club Camelot to GWorld.

“What kind of SA president would I be if I stood idly by while students couldn’t afford a regular lap dance?” SoSueMe said.

Part of the contract stipulates that GW must finance a new technology that allows students to swipe their GWorld cards through cleavage.

Already lauded by nearly all fraternities on campus, the new policy has doubled Camelot’s revenue stream.

University administrators, though originally expected to strike down the venue as a Colonial Cash partner, approved the decision unanimously after the most recent Board of Trustees meeting, where Camelot hosted free of charge in a private showroom.

However, following a recent drastic drop in GWorld funds among students, University President Power Napp released a statement.

“We encourage students to monitor their GWorld spending at vice locations such as Camelot, and we are looking into solutions to the growing personal budget problems facing the student body at the moment,” he said.

Among the most popular of these solutions has been an effort spearheaded by Provost Steve Irwin to add Camelot as a potential Federal Work-Study location for student employment. He hopes to fully incorporate this new employment opportunity into the 10-year strategic plan.

“We ladies have been here a long time. I’m 50 years old,” Longtime Camelot stripper Ivana Blowya said in an interview. “With the new growth in popularity among GW students, we could really use some 18-year-old freshmen girls to keep up with demand.”

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