April Fools’ Issue: Pretzels take over J Street venues

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Popular pretzel joint Auntie Anne’s will take over nearly the entire J Street serving area next fall, part of a new initiative to actually make money off of the dining hall.

Auntie Anne’s has been the dining hall’s most profitable vendor since it opened in October. It will expand its menu with creations like pretzel-encrusted chicken, fiesta pretzel nachos, pretzel salads and pretzel pasta.

The vendor will begin selling pretzels tossed in a pasta sauce and pad thai made of pretzel chunks with peanuts and soy sauce starting next fall. Auntie Anne’s already offers soft pretzels, pretzel nuggets, pretzel pizzas and pretzel hotdogs.

It will also add a pretzel salad bar to replace the pay-by-the-pound salad bar Greenfields – a Sodexo-run venue that will move into the small area previously used by Auntie Anne’s. Dining officials maintained that Greenfields would continue to offer limp iceberg lettuce, dried-out hummus, congealing meatballs and flaccid lunchmeats as toppings for the pretzels.

The pretzel eatery has already pulled in more dollars than Wendy’s and Chick-Fil-A before both vendors were scrapped in 2011. It surpassed Greenfields tenfold in profits since taking over the Marvin Center with its buttery scent, Director of Campus Support Services Rancid Häagen-Dazs said.

“We were reluctant at first to make the switch, but after poring over our profit margins, it was the only logical choice,” she said.

A newly hired leader of Auntie Anne’s, Dowen Oyle, said he did not foresee any difficulties in developing new menu items.

In fact, the company is familiar with making menu changes.

“Well, we started out with the original soft pretzel in the ‘80s, but then we wanted to jazz things up, so we made the pretzel-dogs and eventually the pretzel pizzas, and now we’re at the point where you can basically have a full meal here,” Oyle said.

Grace Plutenum, a current employee at the Auntie Anne’s location in J Street echoed that point, saying, “Some people do have entire dinners here. We get kids ordering pretzel pizzas with a side of pretzel nuggets and a cinnamon-sugar pretzel for dessert. I’d say it’s pretty balanced.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.