Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The Atlantic 10 commissioner publicly reprimanded University president Power Napp Monday for hazing new league member George Mason.
Napp, who touted the addition of the Patriots as a chance for GW to engage in a “Battle Royale of the Orange Line,” has apparently been responsible for rampant destruction on George Mason’s campus.
“He’s really been fucking shit up,” A-10 commissioner Bmoney McG said in a teleconference. “I’m talking, like, tee-peeing their trees, spray-painting their buildings. Just sort of taking this new rivalry too far.”
Among Napp’s most egregious attacks, McG said, is Revolutionary-War themed trash talk that’s been spamming the Atlantic 10 presidents’ listserv.
“He keeps sending things out on our listserv that just trash George Mason. Things like, ‘You made the Bill of Rights, we made the country motherfuckers!’ ” McG said. “There’s a time and a place for that. But we prefer that A-10 presidents use the listserv for important things, like cute puppy videos.”
Napp may not have acted alone, McG said. She suspects that his dog, Lays, assisted in leaving a few “presents” on the doorsteps of George Mason’s president, athletic director and men’s basketball head coach.
Members of GW’s men’s basketball team might have assisted him in spray-painting as well, McG said, adding that it was “way too high for Napp to reach without getting on someone’s shoulders.”
“What we’re most concerned about, though, is that Napp tried to kidnap a student,” McG said. “We had reports of him dragging one of our men’s basketball players, Erik Kopez, through a hallway, yelling ‘We had dibs!’ ”
McG warned that if Napp didn’t extend more of a welcome to GW’s new A-10 neighbor, he could find himself without a seat in the A-10’s presidents’ cigar room.
Napp declined to comment.