April Fools’ Issue: Mitchell kids forced into singles night

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The rooms in Mitchell Hall may be singles, but the residents sure hope their relationship statuses aren’t.

The hall has started a “date night” for students with a mutual desire to get down and dirty.

Resident Michael Jones said the date night has been just what the dorm needed to become slightly less hated than the Mount Doom Campus.

“I mean, we all have this underlying bond of a strong desire to live in Mitchell, but it’s nice to finally talk openly about it,” Jones said.

The date nights will be held the first Friday of every month. Dates are chosen out of a hat, much like the University’s housing placement process.

The rules of the night are simple: Dates must take place in Mitchell, and the rest is up to the decrepit building’s denizens. Food for the evening is provided only from the frozen section of 7-Eleven.

Though some have criticized the event’s limitations, second-floor resident Amy Lang said the in-house dates offer a special ambiance and help to set the mood.

“The limited rules force you to be really creative with date ideas. The last one I went on was a toothpaste fight in the communal bathroom, and it was magical,” Lang said.

Frank Little, a sophomore who had requested a triple in literally any building other than Mitchell, said he likes to keep his dates simple.

“Personally, I like to just sit with my partner in the hallway, eating our Swedish meatball Lean Cuisines and staring at the one faded election poster for Captain Morgan hanging on the wall. It really just sets a great tone for the night,” Little said.

However, for some, like Susan Edgar, the restrictive location can be a challenge for a date gone wrong.

Desperate to escape a date from hell, Edgar attempted a getaway out the window.

“I tried I make a rope out of sheets, but since I only had my single twin sheet, it barely reached down to the floor below. Even though it was extra long…” Edgar said.

Edgar managed to escape her date by claiming she had to tutor a freshman in Thurston.

“You know it’s bad when you’re thinking of Thurston as the better option,” Edgar said.

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