April Fools’ Issue: Crime Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Unlawful entry

Location: Ivory Tower
The University Gestapo stopped a man who had reportedly entered Ivory Tower by riding on top of a student’s back.
Creeper barred from campus

Cruelty to animals

Location: 1925 F St. Case closed
UPD responded to reports of a sheep inside University President Power Napp’s residence. The animal appeared to be neglected over the weekend. The Washington Humane Society took possession of the sheep.
Referred to animal lovers


Location: Circa
The Metropolitan Police Department responded to a call that students Jayjay LivesatGWforever and BJ Dickerson refused to leave the restaurant and bar Circa. The former Self-important Association presidents – still irrelevant – were barred from campus.
Subjects arrested

Cutting the line

Location: Whole Foods Market
The Gestapo responded to a call that a 20-year-old student entered the “B” line when he was in the C lane.

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