Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Unlawful entry

Location: Ivory Tower
The University Gestapo stopped a man who had reportedly entered Ivory Tower by riding on top of a student’s back.
Creeper barred from campus

Cruelty to animals

Location: 1925 F St. Case closed
UPD responded to reports of a sheep inside University President Power Napp’s residence. The animal appeared to be neglected over the weekend. The Washington Humane Society took possession of the sheep.
Referred to animal lovers

Loitering

Location: Circa
The Metropolitan Police Department responded to a call that students Jayjay LivesatGWforever and BJ Dickerson refused to leave the restaurant and bar Circa. The former Self-important Association presidents – still irrelevant – were barred from campus.
Subjects arrested

Cutting the line

Location: Whole Foods Market
The Gestapo responded to a call that a 20-year-old student entered the “B” line when he was in the C lane.