Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The Supreme Court issued a surprisingly early decision on the country’s same-sex marriage bans Monday, pointing to the flood of red equals signs that filled their Facebook feeds last week in a sweeping gay marriage victory.
“We were just so moved by the outpouring of student support for their gay BFFs,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in a unanimous decision. “These students have mastered the art of activism.”
Associate Justice Clarence Thomas was not initially convinced by the steady stream of red equal signs, but said he was convinced to join the majority after noticing links on people’s news feeds to Macklemore’s “Same Love,” a song Thomas cites as one of his new favorites.
“At first I saw no room in the Constitution for same-sex marriage, even with these new profile pictures,” Thomas said. “But once the ‘Same Love’ links came flowing in, I realized that this was about the heart.”
Antonin Scalia, who had previously compared homosexuality to beastiality, said his view of gay marriage has also shifted because of social media. After clicking through 27 BuzzFeed cat meme pages, he announced at the justices’ press conference that he would soon wed his 6-year-old calico cat Tigger.
“I’ve realized that Tigger and I are meant to be together. The definition of marriage needs to bend,” he said.
The move ignited mass celebrations across campus Sunday, with students bursting with pride in the role they played in the historic ruling. Some said they planned to celebrate by Instagramming selfies of them and their friends making air hearts together with captions like “love is love.”
Leading student activists said they thought their late-night strategy sessions to sway the relatively conservative justices paid off.
“We thought the cheeky, clever posters we were planning to carry on the Supreme Court steps would do the trick, but we decided to promote the profile picture switches at the last minute,” Allied in Wine leader Ray N-Bow said. “That appeared to be the deciding factor.”