April Fools’ Issue: Construction pit to create vast student space

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

When her castmates told her to “break a leg” before her final dress rehearsal, Jane Jones didn’t actually expect to find herself in the GDub Hospital.

But after falling into a 30-foot concrete borehole during a rendition of “Tomorrow” from “Annie,” the junior theater major snapped both her femurs on impact.

Multiple students have reported injuries just days after the top administrators opened the Science and Engineering Hall construction pit for group gatherings, bending to repeated demands for more student space.

The officials championed their constant concern for student satisfaction in a ribbon-cutting ceremony unveiling the construction pit for student use – adding that the new space will provide “all the space they’ve bitched about for years.”

Administrators said the newly granted space was the largest plot ever allotted solely for student use.

In an informal survey conducted by Le Hachét, the majority of the 15 students polled said they find themselves indebted for life to caring administrators, calling any student space at all “a blessing.”

One respondent said the millions of dollars the University has racked up in debt to pay for the giant hole in the ground demonstrated their ability to be tuned in to students’ most pressing needs.

GW Raas has already staked out the southwest corner of the pit, with its president, Roz Kaos, pointing to the area’s lack of “shrapnel remnants and other large, dangerous objects” as compared to other corners of the dusty, jackhammer-laden plot.

“There is no ladder to get into the pit, so we’ve just had to jump the hundred feet down into the space,” she said. “It’s now a part of our competitive tryout process. If a student doesn’t cry out when his ribs are shattered, then he makes the next round.”

Administrators have already mapped out where to shift student space once the hall’s construction pit fills in. Provost Steve Irwin hinted to reporters Friday that GW will designate 23rd Street as easily accessible student space. Despite concern of students being pancaked by a whirring barrage of rush-hour traffic, administrators cited their continuous dedication to space that is “accessible.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.